Show Archive‎ > ‎2011‎ > ‎Video sketches‎ > ‎

Wizards

Short opening sequence. Background music plays to soundless clips of various Harry Potter characters doing ordinary things (Cho at a football game; George is running his shop; Luna is gardening; Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermoine laughing over coffee). "Wizards" appears as text over the sequence.

Harry and Ron are walking down a suburban street.

NARRATOR: Today, we find our friends from Hogwarts scouring the local property market, looking for some accommodation of their very own.

Close up of Harry and Ron.

RON: Yeah, the two of us decided to look for a place to move out together.

HARRY: There's a time where you've got to grow up and move on, y'know?

Cut to a shot of Mrs Weasley standing outside the bathroom inside her family home. The words "Last Week" are captioned in. The bathroom door opens, and Ginny walks past, wearing only a towel. Harry follows shortly afterwards, covering his privates with a shampoo bottle.

Cut back to Ron and Harry. They are outside an apartment building.

HARRY: Ah, this is the place.

A real estate agent is walking Ron and Harry through an apartment.

REAL ESTATE AGENT: And that concludes our tour of the property. Mr Potter, Mr Weasley?

HARRY: We'll take it!

RON (aside to Harry): We can't afford this place on Auror internship wage, Harry.

HARRY: We can always get a third, Ron.

Cut to a shot of Harry and Ron sitting down in their new living room. Neville is standing in front of them holding a dirty cup.

NEVILLE: And watch the dirty cup become....clean!

Neville taps the cup twice. A plant grows out of it.

Cut to a shot of Harry in a suit, sitting across from an important looking MANAGER in an office.

NARRATOR: We find Harry in the business district, looking for a second job to support the rent on his new apartment.

Close up of Manager.

MANAGER: Mr Potter, tell us, what do you think you could bring to Big British Bank?

HARRY: Well...I'm Harry Potter.

MANAGER: Yes.

HARRY: You know...boy wizard? Expelliarmus (mimmicks waving a wand) and all that?

MANAGER: Yes.

HARRY: Defeated the most powerful dark wizard of all ti...

MANAGER: Yes Mr Potter, I know who you are, and your extra-curricular activities are most impressive. But what about formal qualifications? Communication skills? Mathematics? They taught you maths at (squints at Harry's application) Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, yes?

Harry is staring perplexed at the Manager.

Cut back to apartment.  A glass of butter beer flies from the hallway. Ron stops it from breaking against the wall just in time (writer's note: what is a spell that would stop something flying through the air?)

HERMOINE: What do you mean a LOAN?

RON: Please honeypot, calm down.

HERMOINE: Don't you honeypot me Ronald Weasley. And don't even THINK about telling me to CALM DOWN. How about you THINK about GETTING A JOB?

RON: Poppet, please, it's complicated...

HERMOINE: YOU THOUGHT FUCKING POTIONS WAS COMPLICATED. (Harry walks through the door at this point, witnessing the scene) AM I JUST SOME KIND OF CASH COW TO YOh hellow Harry. You're looking well.

HARRY: Hermoine.

Hermoine looks at Ron. He tries to plead with her. She turns around and makes for the door. As she leaves, she points her wand at Ron's underwear.

HERMOINE: INCENDIO.

Hermoine slams the door as Ron's underwear catches on fire.

RON: I'm going to run out of underwear at this rate.

HARRY: I'll get the fire extinguisher.

Cut to a shot of Ron walking down the hallway towards a bedroom door.

NARRATOR: Next time on "Wizards"

Ron is opening the door from one side.

RON: Hey Harry, the bank is on the phone and they'd like to tal...WHAT THE FUCK.

Camera zooms into the room. Ginny is covering herself up to her face with a quilt cover. Harry is covering himself with only a pillow, with one hand behind his back. Following the stream of white light, Harry's Patronus Charm is attempting to obscure itself in the corner.

GINNY: Not what it looks like.

FTB
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