Show Archive‎ > ‎2011‎ > ‎Video sketches‎ > ‎

Internet Pirates

The Pirates of the Caribbean music is playing ( A man wearing a captain's hat bursts into a room full of computers and servers and all manner of computer magic. A number of people are behind the computers, looking tired and disoriented.

CAPTAIN: Up, you scurvy dogs! This is no time for respite. Shipwright, clear ports for bearings one hundred through four thousand. The rest of you, scrub the the portal for spams and scams and run your virus checkers twice and again. Quartermaster, distribute caffeine and sugar to those below desks. We make a course firmly towards the bay which all manner of thieves, freebooters and buccaneers are named.

QUARTERMASTER: Privateer Bay, sir?

CAPTAIN: Aye, Privateer Bay. Lookout, what have we got on the horizon?

LOOKOUT: Over to the west, cap'n! Data flow on the 3000th port is indicating a huge request volume for the blu-ray release of Firefly!

CAPTAIN: Yarrrrrgh, break out the rum boys, a boost like that'll keep us drinking for a week.

Crew cheers.

SHIPWRIGHT: Cap'n, there's some additional stress on the direct download sail. It seems there's a high increase in queries for showtunes.

CAPTAIN: Blast it, Glee must be back from mid-season break. Hard to torrents, mateys. We'll tweet the bandwidths to the main sails and ride this surge to internet fame and glory!

Crew cheers

CAPTAIN: And If I catch a single one of ye streamin that garbage, I'll have him thrown overboard so quick he'll be wishin he was at home doin puzzles with his mum!

Crew laughs.

CREW MEMBER (From below decks): Captain, sir, the firewall has sprung a leak!

MICROSOFT SAM PARROT: Sprung a leak, sprung a leak.

CREW MEMBER: We're leaking IP addresses everywhere. If we don't plug it up soon, sir, the...

CAPTAIN: Yargh, I know what'll happen. Stop yer whining, and put that lousy wooden excuse for a patch in the eye of the storm and execute the protocols. We've got bigger problems here than a little leak. Quartermaster, how is the uplink to our off-shore servers?

QUARTERMASTER: Aye captain, the leak is capping our bandwidth. We've lost wireless connection!

CAPTAIN: Shipwright!

The shipwright swings in on a network cable attached to the roof and plugs it into the back of the computer.

SHIPWRIGHT: Connection re-established, cap'n!

CAPTAIN: Outstanding. Shipwright, back at the helm. Make for Privateer Bay.

LOOKOUT: Sir, I see the feds off our outbound stream!

CAPTAIN: Hard to local ports.

CREW MEMBER (below decks): Sir, they're tracing our leaking IP addresses!

CAPTAIN: Change proxies!

QUARTERMASTER: They've made our peer-to-peer connections!

CAPTAIN: Terminate connections! Shift uploads to offshore servers!

SHIPWRIGHT: They're inside our local area network!


The Shipwright nods, and runs to a eerie machine in the corner of the room. Booting it up, it makes the gong noise from PotC. He executes kraken.exe.

CAPTAIN: May god have mercy on us all.

Long pause. Only the sound of computer fans can be heard. A huge error beep sounds from the kraken computer.

SHIPWRIGHT: Good lord, they've taken down the kraken!

CAPTAIN: Blast! We've only got one shot at this then. Load the main cannon with everything you can. We'll draw them into close combat and throw every last bit of data we can at them. They ain't gettin' a single megabyte of the complete Land Before Time collection!

A blast happens off-camera. The shot pans around to see an actual smoking cannon pointed at the server stack.

CAPTAIN: Yargh, excellent work mateys!

Crew cheers.

QUARTERMASTER: Captain, there was a lot lost during the attack, but some of the data got redistributed.

SHIPWRIGHT (Holding a mouse and network cables in his hands): Including some of your....personal collection.

CAPTAIN: Are ye goin through my private hardware now?

SHIPWRIGHT: Cap'n, data leaked everywhere during the raid. Your folders wound up falling into our own hard drives.

QUARTERMASTER: The entire series of My Little Pony, Captain?

CAPTAIN: What? What?! Wait, those fed bastards! Those law lubbers must've put it there!

QUARTERMASTER: It's got your watermark all over it. You've clearly ripped it from DVD.

CAPTAIN: Mutinous dogs! I'll have you walk the plank for this!

SHIPWRIGHT and QUARTERMASTER begin to tie the captain up on a chair.

SHIPWRIGHT: Sorry sir, but this kind of not fitting for a Captain of the High Speeds.

SHIPWRIGHT pushes the chair towards the door as the QUARTERMASTER opens it. The CAPTAIN is wheeled outside.

CAPTAIN: You can't do this! This is MY basement!

QUARTERMASTER shuts the door.

QUARTERMASTER: Let's take a moment to mourn the loss of our poor, unfortunate former captain.(Pause. Pirates of the Caribbean music slowly begins to pick up. As it reaches volume:). Lookout, what's our status?

LOOKOUT: Captain sir, the latest Lady Gaga album has leaked off the starboard server!

QUARTERMASTER: You heard him boys, we've got us a hit album to share! Reconnect the torrents! Drop the main seeders! Fix that IP leak and give us a northwest connection. We make headway for Privateer Bay.