[“Creatures of the Night” was a nature mockumentary that I was making but has now been consigned to the dustbin of failed projects. Here’s a Science Revue version to try and resurrect it]

A man in a typical explorer’s outfit stands on stage. He sounds similar to David Attenborough, but not enough to be a bad imitation. He holds a remote control for a slide projector. Whenever he pushes it, a photo on screen changes with a clicking noise.

Explorer: The setting of the sun heralds a time of remarkable change.  The conservative dog-walking mothers, the strolling elderly and the smiling children will all return to their dwellings, not to re-emerge until daybreak.

Slides of the various things as he mentions them.

E: Replacing them is the P-Plater…

Photo of P-Plater drifting/doing burnout.

E: The Drunken Chick…

Photo of a group of girls standing on a street corner, holding drinks.

E: And the Underage Drunk.

Photo of a group of guys outside the toilets of an oval. Then, a photo of a liquor store.

E: This is a neighbourhood liquor store. It is here that alcoholic refreshments are purchased to be consumed for sustenance throughout the night.

Photos of various P-Plater things.

E: The P-Plater can be seen lumbering along most roads during the night. Some may be out for a ‘hoon’, others in search of Drunken Chicks to mate with.

Slides of a P-Plater pulling up next to a group of Drunken Chicks, one girl getting into the car.

E: Using a mobile telephone, the Drunken Chick will make contact with a nearby P-Plater and arrange a place for pick-up.

Photo of same car in an industrial area (or something).

E: They will then drive to a secluded area…

Photo of the car pulled over, headlights off.

E: …And proceed to mate on the back seat. When the ordeal is over, the P-Plater leaves without a word…

Photo of the P-Plater speeding off, Drunken Chick standing on the road.

E: …And the girl is left crying.

Close-up photo of the girl, in tears. She clutches a Vodka Cruiser to her chest.

E: She holds her remaining drinks close, protecting them. Without them, she may remember what happened.

Pause.

E: Now, this is a neighbourhood sporting ground, the refuge of the Underage Drunk.

Photo of an oval at sunset.

E: On any given Friday or Saturday night, Underage Drunks gather here around cases of cheap beer and cask wine. Being rather primitive creatures, they pit themselves against each other in competitions to determine who can vomit the most frequently and vigorously.

Photos of Underage Drunk things – shadowy figures at an oval, etc.

E: Never ones to miss engaging in a lovely spot of property destruction, Underage Drunks also enjoy writing on walls.

Photo of some indecipherable graffiti.

E: Some believe that these scribbles are mere territorial markings…

Photo of an easily-readable swear word.

E: …While others believe they are a possible glimpse into a rich and detailed culture and history.