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Theme 3


<Normal Lighting>
(Outside the Freedom Dome, American soldiers stand on Juliet. Neil and Buzz are sitting in their bunker, doing their own things.)

NEIL: I bought a new laser today.

BUZZ: Cool.

NEIL: Gotta get all my shopping done before we leave for Mars.

BUZZ: Sure do.

NEIL: It's amazing. We leave tomorrow! Can you believe it?

BUZZ: Nope.

NEIL: We're gonna be the first - and second - men on Mars!

BUZZ: Can't wait.

NEIL: It'll be like the moon all over again!

BUZZ: Sure will.

NEIL: First it'll be empty, and then we'll be there, and then Russians will be there -

BUZZ: Oh no.

NEIL: And then we'll get to fight the Russians, and then we'll have a war, and then I'll buy another laser -

BUZZ: I bet you will, Neil.

NEIL: - and then I'll kill some Russians and then you'll kill slightly less Russians and then some Russians will kill a friend of ours but we'll avenge him and then we'll get medals -

BUZZ: Shiny.

NEIL: Oh, come on Buzz! I'm sick of this! You used to love this war. Now ever since you met that Russian girl, you've hated the thought of killing all those Russians - particularly that Russian girl.

BUZZ: You remember how you used to hate tomatoes--
NEIL: So much.
BUZZ: --until you found out they made tomato sauce?

NEIL: Yeah?

BUZZ: It's kind of the same thing.

NEIL: Is it because they're both red?

BUZZ: Almost.

<Lights at 50% on American side (left hand side, lights stay up)>

(Cut to Stella and Leika across the stage, making their way to the Americans’ dwelling.)

STELLA: Are you sure we're heading the right way?

LEIKA: I've been through the Freedom Dome a dozen times before. Would you stop being so nervous?

STELLA: I'll stop being nervous when these soldiers stop being American. Or stop being armed. One of the two.

LEIKA: Relax. These uniforms have never failed before.

STELLA: Things are different now. The bar's gone. They've got extra security. Is it really worth the extra risk just to see him?

LEIKA: I wouldn't be here otherwise.

STELLA: I don't understand what you see in him. There are so many nice Russian men!

LEIKA: Are there? Really? Name one.

STELLA: Well, there's... that raccoon sex guy.

LEIKA: ...sometimes I don't think we're even related.

STELL: Besides, all these American soldiers are dirty, crude brutes.

(walking by) Too true!

STELLA: You see?

LEIKA: They're not that bad.

AMERICAN: Oh, yes we are!

STELLA: What did I tell you? It's stupid to risk your life for one man. Or two. Even three!

LEIKA: Stella, you-

STELLA: Now, five, you can start bargaining. If I was an American I'd kill myself.

AMERICAN: So would I!

AMERICAN 2: Jerry, are you alright?

AMERICAN: I'm really not.

LEIKA: Stella, you don't have to be here. You can leave if you want to. You've been against this relationship from the start. And I get it if you want to go. Because you obviously hate Buzz and my relationship with him.

STELLA: Leika, I may not approve of this relationship, but I'll always defend your right to ruin it yourself. Because you're my sister. And more importantly... my only friend.

LEIKA: Thank you. This is it.

(LEIKA knocks on the door) <Normal lighting both sides of stage>

BUZZ: Is that Leika?

NEIL: Stay there. I'll check. We don't know who it could be. It could be Leika!

(NEIL opens the door a crack)

LEIKA: Hi Neil. Can you let us in?

NEIL: How can I be sure you're not Russian?

LEIKA: I am Russian!

NEIL: I don't believe you. You'd better come in.

(NEIL lets them in. STELLA and LEIKA enter) <Lights 50% on left hand side of stage>

NEIL: Buzz? Leika and that Russian lady we hate are here.

BUZZ: Leika?

LEIKA: Buzz!
(they embrace)

NEIL: Russian lady I hate?

STELLA: Fuck you.

BUZZ: What are you doing here?

LEIKA: The bar's been closed and I had to see you!

BUZZ: Come upstairs. We need to pack. Tomorrow, we leave this place.

LEIKA: For what? Where are we going?

BUZZ: Space.

LEIKA: I don't understand!

BUZZ: I'll explain upstairs.

(They exit)

NEIL: So... what's it like being wrong all the time?

STELLA: What does it feel like to cause all the suffering on the moon?

NEIL: Firstly, only most of the suffering. Secondly: it's kinda like velvet.

STELLA: Look, we need to talk.

NEIL: Are we breaking up?

STELLA: Are we going out?


STELLA: Look, we need to talk about Buzz and Leika.

NEIL: Are they breaking up?

STELLA: I think they should.

NEIL: Yep. Agreed.

STELLA: Good. Good.


STELLA: The war claims-

NEIL: Don't talk about! - sorry. Force of habit.

STELLA: So, you're commander of the American Forces.

NEIL: And you're the head of Soviet Intelligence.

STELLA: Those are nice glasses on the table, we probably shouldn't fight.

NEIL: They're plastic.


(STELLA turns the table over, the glasses fall off and smash.)

STELLA: You said they were plastic!

NEIL: You killed my glasses, I'll kill you!

(NEIL stands up, throws his chair back and reaches for his gun. STELLA has already drawn her gun and points it at NEIL)

STELLA: Whoah. Easy there, cowboy

NEIL: How'd you know I was a cowboy? And where'd you get that carbonite gun?

STELLA: It's Checkov's gun, it was just lying around, I thought I might as well use it.

NEIL: Well I guess you've found a way to break them up.

STELLA: I guess I have.

NEIL: Congratulations. You've won. You're going to freeze the commander of the American forces.

STELLA: That's just a bonus. I'm hurting the man that's trying to run away with my best friend.

NEIL: .. Yeah. I think I might be hurting him too. Do me a favour?

STELLA: Definitely not.

NEIL: Just one.. Let them be together.

STELLA: I'm going to tear them apart.

NEIL: Over my frozen body.

STELLA: That's the idea. I've been looking forward to this for a long time.

NEIL: I'll bet you have.

(NEIL reaches for his ray guy, STELLA fires freezing NEIL in carbonite) <Lighting Flashes>

(Enters) Stella, Neil! Buzz and I are going to Mars. We're going to escape this horrible place and we want you to - to .. Oh god, Stella, what have you done?

STELLA: You don't understand -

(Alarm) <Red flashing>

LEIKA: Get out of here!

STELLA: Come with me!

LEIKA: I can't .. I have to let Buzz know -

STELLA: They're going to kill you!

LEIKA: RUN! <Normal lighting both sides>

(They flee. As LEIKA reaches the wings, she turns to see BUZZ as she exits)

BUZZ: Leika? .. NEIL! (Runs to NEIL) <Alarm fades>

BUZZ: Oh god .. Neil .. I never got to tell you how much you meant to me... 

<Screen is on, lights fade, red flashing ceases>

(Golden Girls Theme plays. Buzz holds his frozen friend, a video starts up literally depicting the lyrics of the theme song in an incredibly cheesy manor: Buzz has thrown a party, invited everyone he knew. Neil enters - with the biggest gift. Card attached says "Thank you for being a friend".)

<Lights down>