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Theme 5

THEME 5


(Int jail cell. LEIKA, SAM, BUZZ.) <Light in only centre 1/2 of stage>

(LEIKA is sitting at a desk, handcuffed to it)
Uncle Sam: I think we should play good cop, Uncle Sam.
Buzz: I suspect we were going to anyway. Do I really have to be a part of this?
Uncle Sam: You’re my second in command Neil.
Buzz: It’s Buzz.
Uncle Sam: Right! This has all been going so fast. Let’s end this war now!
Buzz: Really?
Uncle Sam: Ha ha! No. This is the greatest thing to ever happen on this moon rock.
Buzz: Oh.
Uncle Sam: Finally a use for all those moon tanks, moon lasers and moon shine to polish those moon boots! And with the information we’re going get out of this Russian swine, we’re going to get the upper fist. And I’ll have my victory! I’ll be the greatest American since Spacezilla!

(They sit down at the desk.)


Leika: Buzz!
(Buzz sits silently)
Uncle Sam: Miss Leika Novokov. Your reputation proceeds you.
Leika: Uncle Sam, Your.. You’re wearing a hat.
Uncle Sam: She’s right. Dammit, she’s right.
Buzz: Sir.
Uncle Sam: Miss Novokov, you are charged with an incredibly serious offence. Your treasonous actions -
Leika: It’s not treasonous
Uncle Sam: You think killing one of my soldiers isn’t treason?
Leika: Not when you’re on the other side.
Uncle Sam: You killed an American soldier!
Leika: You misdefined treason! And Neil isn't dead.
Uncle Sam: You froze him in carbonite!
Leika: Unfreeze him!
Uncle Sam: We don’t have that kind of technology!
Leika: You can freeze him but not unfreeze him?
Uncle Sam: Kind of like how we can shoot you but not un-shoot you.
Buzz: What drove you .. Why would you do this?
Leika: Buzz .. Buzz.. (looks at Uncle Sam) I did it because I am your enemy.
Uncle Sam: You infiltrated a top secret American facility. You must have had help.
Leika: (beat) (looks at Buzz) I was working alone.
Buzz: Alone?
Leika: I had no help infiltrating your facility.
Buzz: Are you certain?
Uncle Sam: Problem, Buzz?
Buzz: No.. No I just - I thought.. Why Neil?
Leika: I’m sorry.
Buzz: Why Neil? Why did you kill Neil and not me?
Leika: Are you annoyed I didn’t murder you?
Buzz: I’m more annoyed you murdered him.
Leika: I didn’t have a choice.
Buzz: Really? Really!?
Leika: I’m the head of Soviet Intelligence. When faced with Neil Armstrong I had to take my shot.
Buzz: You’re the head. ..
Uncle Sam: You’re the head of Soviet Intelligence!? Aha! Tricked you!
Leika: Tricked me?
Uncle Sam:  You confessed!
Leika: How was that a trick?
Uncle Sam:  I tricked you by listening to the words that were coming out of your mouth-hole.
Buzz: Leika.. Why did you turn yourself in?
Leika: I - I couldn’t let someone else take the fall for me.
Buzz: You could have run away.
Leika: I was going to. I was going to go to Mars.
Uncle Sam: The Russians are headed for Mars?
Leika: No! No. I was. Just me. Acting alone, again.
Buzz: I guarantee you, if you made it to Mars there’d be an American already there waiting for you.
Leika: I was counting on it.
Buzz: Sam, a word.
(They walk away from the table)

Uncle Sam: The head of Soviet Intelligence! She could tell us exactly what we need to end this war.
Buzz: Exactly what I was thinking. I’ve got her number. Just leave it to me.
Uncle Sam: Classic Buzz. I’ll be outside. Try not to make a mess.
(Uncle Sam goes to leave. Buzz sits down in front of Leika)
Uncle Sam: Now you’ll get what’s coming to you.
(Sam leaves.)
(Buzz kisses Leika)
Buzz: It wasn’t you!
Leika: What!?
Buzz: You didn’t kill him!
Leika: Of course I didn’t!
Buzz: Why are you here!?
Leika: It’s Stella. She thought freezing Neil would tear us apart.
Buzz: Yeah.. wasn’t wrong there. Why’d you come back!?
Leika: I had to come back. If I didn’t come here, you’d have come after me. I couldn’t risk it.
Buzz: You can’t sacrifice yourself for Stella!
Leika: Why not?
Buzz: She’s a total bitch!
Leika: Yeah, but she’s my total bitch. Buzz, can’t you see why this is so important to me? She’s family.
Buzz: She’s never going to let us be together.
Leika: We can’t be together now, Buzz. They’re going to kill me. You.. You’re going to kill me.
Buzz: Leika, why are you doing this!?
Leika: Stella killed Neil. This makes us even. It stops here.
Buzz: It will never stop here, Leika. Mankind will never learn to share the moon! It’s not like Canada. Or Space Canada, where we shared it with the wasps. As long as people like Uncle Sam and Castronaut are around, we can never have peace. And as long as people like Stella are around, we can never be together.
Leika: Then let’s go.
Buzz: What?
Leika: Let’s go
Buzz:You .. you know you’re in the middle of a top security base right?
Leika: Got in before.
Buzz: Fair. (Buzz undoes the handcuffs)
Leika: How do we get out of here!?
Buzz: Quick, get into this crate.
Leika: Boy, it’s lucky you have these.
Buzz: We use them for smuggling. Never thought I’d be smuggling myself in them.
Leika: Where are these going?
Buzz: The launchpad.
(They shut themselves in the crates)

<Lights down on main and Lights up Juliets>
Castronaut: Mother Russia will look up on this day.
Uncle Sam: In this moment, ask not what you can do for your country, ask what your country can do to the enemy!
Castronaut: Remember, that the sun will rise, and the sun will fall, and one day we will plant a flag on that Sun, and that conquest starts today!
Uncle Sam: Today you boys make your country proud. When you step on this battlefield, you will be taking one small step for man. And one giant leap for-

Castronaut: Wolves! Leaping through the sky! Sky wolves! Comin atchya!
Uncle Sam: And we will tame and crush those sky wolves and use them to power our rockets.
Castronaut: No longer will we be...

Uncle Sam: Oppressed by the...
Castronaut: Ideals our enemy...
Uncle Sam: Represents.
Castronaut: Achoo!
Uncle Sam: Bless you.

<Lights down on Juliets>

<Normal lighting>
Crate is on stage, American Soldier is standing by it. Another American on the other side.
American 1: Where are you taking this .. thing?
American 2: Rocket parts. Launch pad 1138.
American 1: I wasn’t notified. I better have it cleared.
(Buzz and Leika burst out)
American 1: Look out, it’s loose!
(They knock them both out)
Buzz: We made it, Leika.
Leika: Where are we?
Buzz: Lake Tranquility Spaceport. You won’t find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy on the moon.
Leika: These are the battle grounds. Buzz.. The armies! They’ll be coming here!
Buzz: This is a good a time as any to leave then.
Stella: Not so fast. (Holding a shotgun)
Buzz: Oh fuck me in the face-hole, what now?!
Leika: Stella! How did you know we were going to be here?
Stella: You didn’t think I’d let you get away that easy, did you!?
Buzz: No, seriously, from a purely physical perspective - how did you know we were going to be here?
Stella: I’m the head of Soviet intelligence
Buzz: Well, you’re very good at your job.
Stella: Thank you. I’m still going to shoot you in the face. But thank you.
Buzz: One good deed deserves .. not being shot in the face.
Stella: Sorry guys. End of the line.
(Buzz steps in front of Leika)
Leika: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, STELLA!? WHY CAN’T YOU LET ME BE HAPPY!?
Stella: I am a total bitch.
Buzz: You really are!
Stella: There never was a tale of more woe than that of Leika, and her space-jerk. Good bye. See you in space hell.
(SLOW MOTION) <Gold/Bluish lighting>
(CHARIOTS OF FIRE THEME PLAYS)
(KRISTIE AND KRISTOFF RUN IN FROM OFF STAGE.
STELLA POINTS HER GUN AT BUZZ. SHE FIRES.
KRISTOFF DIVES IN FRONT OF THE BULLET.
STELLA FIRES AGAIN. 
KRISTIE DIVES IN FRONT OF THE BULLET.
STELLA RELOADS. FIRES.
KRISTOFF GETS UP AND DIVES IN FRONT OF IT AGAIN.
LEIKA TAKES THE GUN AND KNOCKS STELLA TO THE GROUND)
<Normal lighting>

Stella: Leika. Please. Don’t.
Leika: After everything we’ve been through - after I gave myself up for you - you go and do this?
Stella: Please. I was doing this for you -
Leika: You tried to kill us!
Stella: I was doing it for you!
Buzz: You tried to kill us.
Stella: Don’t kill me. Please don’t kill me.
Leika: I gave myself up so you didn’t have to. I’m not going to kill you, not after all this. (takes a gun out from the crate)
Stella: You said you wouldn’t kill me!
Leika: I won’t. This is Checkov’s gun.
Stella: No - no -
Leika: (fires the gun, freezes Stella) <Flashing lights>
Buzz: (About Kristie/Kristoff) What about them?
Leika: They’re already gone, Buzz. We have to go.
(They exit)

Kristie: You okay buddy?
Kristoff: I’m about ready to leave. You?
Kristie: Yeah, I think it’s time to leave too.
Kristoff: We’re coming, Crabby.
Kristie: We're coming, Crabby.
Leika: They’re coming, Buzz. We have to go.
(Armies from both sides march on the stage.) <Stage lights fade to 50%, blue, while lights up on right Juliet, 50% lights left>

Buzz: Let’s leave this place behind, Leika.
Leika: Where are we headed, Buzz?
Buzz: Anywhere!
(ARMIES STILL AMASSING) <LIGHTS ON STAGE RED - Lights up on left juliet>
Leika: We can go to Mars! And start our own bar! A Mars Bar!
Buzz: And we can have happy hour again!
Leika: Oh god, it’s been so long since we’ve had a happy hour!
(UNCLE SAM AND CASTRONAUT ENTER - POINT THIER GUNS AT EACH OTHER)
Buzz: Of all the gin-joints, of all the moons, of all the planets, you had to fight a war on mine.
Leika: Buzz, this could be the start of a beautiful relationship.
<SMOKE. ROCKET BLAST.>
<Spotlight on Rocket><Lights 100% left juliet>
(GHOST BARMAN, KRISTIE AND KRISTOFF WATCH FROM THE OTHER JULIET)

(WALKING ON SUNSHINE. WOOHOOOHOO)
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