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[OUTDATED] Theme 2

(Lights up on bar. Stella, Leika, Leika’s mother, Bill, Ben, Barman are on stage as well as three Americans at one table and three Russians at another)
Stella: You can’t like him Leika. He’s American.
Leika:  I know
Stella: And a soldier
Leika: I know!
Stella: And a wolf
Leika: He is not a wolf!
Stella: Inconsequential, you can’t fraternise with the enemy! That’s the first rule of war!
Leika: What rules?
Stella: Did you ever read Sun Tzu’s The Art of War?
Leika: Yeah
Stella: He wrote a sequel, “The Rules of War” and the first rule of war is don’t fraternise with the enemy!
Leika: Well what’s the second rule?
Stella: Get shot less than your opponent.
Leika: Well why are we even fighting the Americans anyway?
Stella: For all those reasons you hated just a second ago! Their manifest destiny, their stars and stripes, those tiny cheeseburgers that come in a can
Leika: I quite like those burgers
Stella: Even the ones stuffed with liberty and capitalist wealth?
Leika: You mean mustard?
Stella: Mustard killed my father
Leika: Colonel Mustard killed your father! And
I don’t see what this has to do with Buzz
Stella: He’ll kill you with mustard!
Leika: I think you have a vendetta against condiments
Stella: By the power invested in my by our friendship contract drawn up in the third grade which I just so happen to have with me here in my pocket, I forbid you to like that American!
Leika: Why do you always insist on carrying that around?
Stella: For situations like this!
Leika: I think you’re over reacting, I just said he had beautiful blue eyes
Stella: Oh it starts out with beautiful blue eyes, then he gives you his number. So you call him and you decide to meet up and have a picnic. The strawberries taste great as does the orange juice and then he produces the pancakes to tempt you to hold his hand. Which you do, and then you iron his pants just to show you care. And in those pants you find a ring. But then he gives the ring to someone else and you’re left with just his pants.
Leika: Stella did Kristof leave you again?
Stella: He’ll be back, he only has one pair of pants.
Barman: Are you two fighting about the war?
Leika: No we’re fighting about boys.
Barman: Boys and war?
Stella: No just boys.
Barman: Well I know what will fix that problem! A drink, a laugh and a lifetime subscription to Moonwheels magazine, the greatest moon car magazine on the moon!
Leika: Really?
Barman: They’re our sponsors. I’m obligated to mention them every night. Anyhoo, drinks?
Stella: A fruit tingle.
Barman: And you?
Leika: A cosmopolitain with a hint of lemon.
Barman: The same unique drink as always coming right up.
Bill: You know girls I’ve had my fair share of boy problems over the years, and termite problems and that problem with those French people that moved in next door and tried to build an eyesore of a bastille in their backyard, but I solved them all.
Ben: Oh and how did you solve those problems Bill?
Bill: I have my methods.
Ben: Did you kill them Bill?
Bill: Well I killed those termites.
Ben: And the French?
Barman: Here’s your drinks ladies. Now I’ve seen a number of hearts broken on my barfloor and it’s damn messy to clean up so here’s a bit of advice that my wife Lucile used to say to me before she mysteriously disappeared: Life is too short to fight. So drink, dance and make sure you love. And I don’t mean that kinda love where you wake up and can’t walk straight or remember what was inside you. I mean that kinda love where you make bread together on a Sunday morning, and smell flowers that remind you of the good times, and write cards to each other with cute little puns inside them.
Leika: Thanks Barman, you always know what to say.
Barman: So did Lucile.
Stella: What happened to Lucile?
Barman: Get out!
Stella: But I haven’t finished my-
Barman: Get out!
Leika: (To Stella) We should probably leave. (to Barman) Take care of Mum won’t you?
Barman: Until the end of my days. (turns to the distance) I’ll miss ya, Lucile
(Leika & Stella exit)
Barman: So how did you get rid of those French people Bill?
Bill: Well it’s a funny story. I woke up one Tuesday and picked up my...
(Uncle Sam enters)
Uncle: Crabby!
Barman: Sam! Your usual?
Uncle: Yes please. And one of those canned cheeseburgers, I’m feeling patriotic.
Barman: Coming right up!
Uncle: So how have you been Crabby? Still managing to keep your nose out of the war?
Barman: And the rest of my body, and my bar. How’s the wife?
Uncle: You know she left me.
[His wife is literally the statue of liberty]
Barman: Ah, so she did. How are the kids?
Uncle: She took them too.
(Uncle Sam walks over to Americans)
Uncle: Boys
Americans: Sam!
(Spacemanchev, leader of the Russian Army walks into Bar as Sam and Americans mime conversation)
Spacemanchev: Crabby!
Barman: Comrade Senior Battlechief of the Mission for Domination Spacemanchev! (beat) You know we really need to give you a nickname
Spacemanchev: I’m open to suggestions
Barman: How about Comrade?
Ben: Or Fluffy?
Bill: Cockface
Barman: I’m gonna go with Spacemanchev.
Spacemanchev: I like it.
Bill: Classic Cockface!
Spacemanchev: I don’t know who you are but I will punch you in the face. (to Barman) Just the usual thanks Crabby
Barman: Coming right up Spacemanchev!
(Spacemanchev walks over to the Russian table)
Spacemanchev: Comrades
Russians: Comrade Senior Battlechief of the Mission for Domination Spacemanchev!
Spacemanchev: Drink up and get ready for tomorrow boys, it’s going to be a long day of war.
(Spacemanchev walks back to his side of the bar. Uncle Sam goes back to his side at the same time)
Spacemanchev: Sam is that you? It is you!
Uncle: (bitterly) Spacemanchev.
Spacemanchev: Mary sends her regards. So do your children.
Uncle: That’s good.
Spacemanchev: You know Billy said his first words the other day.
Uncle: Really, what were they?
Spacemanchev: Spacemanchev is my only father. It was a moment I’ll never forget, seeing your child speak for the first time.
Uncle: I’ll get you one day Spacemanchev
Spacemanchev: Oh with what, your American space rockets built by people living on third-world planets? I’d like to see that.
Barman: Hey! No fighting about the war you two.
Uncle & Spacemanchev: Sorry Crabby, slip of the tongue.
Uncle: Yeah slip of the tongue. I’ll have four whiskeys for me and my three friends, and one for Ben.
Ben: Thanks Sam!
Spacemanchev: And I’ll take four vodkas for my comrades and I.
Bill: *coughs*
Spacemanchev: And one for this guy.
Bill: Thanks cockface!
(Barman serves their drinks)
Spacemanchev: Well, when in space
(Spacemanchev and Uncle drink their drinks tensely)
Barman: Look boys I have to go and change the barrels over again, you people just drink too much. I’ll be back up in a second. Remember the rules. And no stealing any more peanuts Ben!
(Barman descends, Uncle Sam and Spacemanchev move to their friends and take the other drinks over to their friends)
American #1: I’ve got a good one, I’ve got a good one. Why could the Russian not drive his spaceship? Because he was Stalin’!
(Americans laugh)
American #2: He also probably forgot to Putin the gas!
(Americans laugh)
Uncle: Now boys, lets be friendly.
(Russians burst out laughing)
American #3: What’s so funny comrades?
Russian #1: You wouldn’t get it, you are too silly.
American #3: Try me, I got halfway through a crossword just this morning as well as putting all the 4s into the sudoku!
Russian #1: Very well. I just told funny joke. I said what do you call an American born out of an American? A double idiot.
(Russians explode laughing)
American #2: Not very funny. Maybe your funny bone is broken. Let me try and fix it.
(American #2 goes for Russian #1. A struggle ensues)
Uncle: Break it up boys, no fighting in the bar
Spacemanchev: Respect Crabbys rules boys
Barman: (offstage) Whats all this melee I can hear downstairs?
(Barman comes back up upstairs, sees fighting going on)
(Barman charges out and as he splits them up a Russian pulls out a gun and shoots Barman in attempting to shoot the American)
Uncle: No!
Spacemanchev: No!
Bill: No!
Ben: No!
Barman: I’ve been shot. Usually it’s me dealing out the shots. Ironic. Down I go.
(Barman falls to the ground, Uncle Sam catches him)
Spacemanchev: EVERYBODY OUT! NOW!
(Bill, Russian &American soldiers leave)
Spacemanchev: (To Ben) I said everybody!
Ben: I haven’t moved from this chair in 30 years, I’ll be damned if I move now!
Spacemanchev: Fine!
(Spacemanchev picks up the stool with Ben on it and carries him offstage. Spacemanchev runs to Barmans side)
Spacemanchev: I’m so sorry Crabby
Uncle: This is all your fault
Spacemanchev: I didn’t shoot him
Uncle: You brought him here
Spacemanchev: Your boy started it!
Barman: Boys, stop arguing. It was both your faults. A plague on both your continents. All these years the wars been knocking at my door and you two finally brought a big enough army to knock it down…
Uncle: Don’t talk like that Barman, we can’t lose you. I mean you were my best man when I married my wife.
Spacemanchev: And you were my best man when I married his wife.
(Beat, Uncle and Spacemanchev are silent)
Barman: I’ve lived a wonderful life. I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I’ve watched C-Beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. I’ve seen a man with two dicks. All these moments will be lost in time like tears in the rain. At least I’ll get to see dear old Lucile again.
Spacemanchev: Crabby, we gotta know. What happened to-
Barman: Get out. (Beat) I mean it get out. What are you gonna deny a man his dying wish, get out I said no questions about Lucile!
(Spacemanchev exits sadly)
Barman: Happy hour is over. Time to die.
(Barman dies. Leika’s mum wakes up finally).
Mum: Crabby give me a vodka. Crabby?
(Mum looks around and sees he is dead)
Mum: CRABBY!!!!!
(Mum runs off stage still screaming Crabby’s name. Runs back across screaming it still. Runs back in, goes behind the bar screaming still, serves herself a drink and drinks it whilst crying, spilling it everywhere)

Lights fade to black