Show Archive‎ > ‎2011‎ > ‎Theme‎ > ‎

Theme 1


(End closing dance) <Normal lighting>

BAR: Ladies and Gentlemen, the bar is open!

ALL: Cheers!

(All but THEME 1 cast move offstage)

CRABBY: Now I know some of you are involved in this here war over who gets to run that there space business and that’s all fine and dandy out there on those crater rocks, but in here we don't speak of such unpleasantness and tomfoolery. I ain't never much cared for space myself. Couldn't see the point of it. Lucile used to shake me awake in the middle of the night and she's say “Boy, you won't even believe what space is doing right now” And I'd say “Dammit woman, if I wanted to blast-hop a wind farm I'd go down to Ol' Man Price's discount cosmos factory and I'd get myself some kind of pastry treat, perhaps a Cinnamon scroll, but not necessarily a Cinnamon scroll, you hear me, woman?” For these reasons and probably others this bar is a war free zone!

ALL: Cheers!

CRABBY: So here in my bar, I only have three rules. First rule of my bar: there is no talking about the war. Second rule of my bar: There is no talking about the war, god damn you. Third rule of my bar: No open toed shoes.

ALL: Cheers!

CRABBY: Fourth rule of my bar, ain't no fancy feather hats to be worn inside. Fifth rule of my bar, we don't like your type around here. Sixth rule of my bar, just kidding, we do like your type around here. Seventh rule of my bar, no Eskimos. Eighth rule of -

BUZZ: (aside) There are an awful lot of rules, Neil.

NEIL: There's an awful lot of bar, Buzz.

CRABBY: And finally, the 10th rule of the bar, Under no circumstances is anyone to ever ask me about my dear departed wife Lucile. No matter how curious you are about Lucile and what happened to her, you may never ask me about her. Even if I hint as if I really want to talk about Lucile, and share some of the memories of our surely passionate love that was probably tragically cut short, you are to never ask me about my dear departed wife Lucile.

PERSON 1: What happened to your -

CRABBY: Get out. (beat) Get out.

PERSON 1: But .. it's the moon out there – and I don't have a spacesuit.

CRABBY: You should have thought about that before you spoke about my dear departed wife Lucile.

PERSON 1: I... I'll die.

CRABBY: Yes. I suspect your lungs will explode.   

<The Scientist by Coldplay> 
<Slight Blue Lighting & Spotlight on PERSON 1>
PERSON 1 exits
<Music stops>
<Normal lighting>

CRABBY: Now what’ll it be Neil?

NEIL: Just a glass of America’s finest please, Crabby

CRABBY: Coming right up! Whiskey and coke, mixed with the tears of an eagle. Roosevelt's Tea.

BUZZ: Nothing better than a taste of home huh Neil?

NEIL: You said it, Buzz!

BUZZ: I did say it, Neil.

NEIL: Damn right you did, Buzz.

CRABBY: There you go, Neil

NEIL: How much?

CRABBY: Do you take me for some kind of a moon-pirate?

NEIL: I don't take you for some kind of a moon-pirate.

CRABBY: Well, I'd have to be some kind of a moon-pirate to expect the man who discovered the moon to pay for his moonshine.

BUZZ: He didn't discover-

NEIL: I guess that's the thanks I get from discovering the moon.

BUZZ: You didn't - well then I should get my drinks free for being the second person on the moon.

CRABBY: Second!? Who gives a cooee about the second anything? Who was the second man on the moon? Nobody knows!

NEIL: Probably some giant space-lizard.

BUZZ: It was me!

NEIL: Like, SpaceZilla, you know? A big lizard.. in a space suit .. with a flag.. and a picture of a lizard on the flag. SpaceZilla.

BUZZ: There's no such thing as SpaceZilla!

CRABBY: Hey, show some respect. You're talking about the second man on the moon, and the first spacelizard on the moon.

(LEIKA and STELLA enter the bar)

CRABBY: Evening ladies what can I do you for?

STELLA: I'll have a Fruit Tingle.. uh, Leika?

LEIKA: The usual

CRABBY: Ah, another cosmo..politan with a dash of lemon. Very good.

(Ladies sit next to KRISTIE)


(Ladies get up and go to sit next to KRISTOFF)



(Ladies just stand, they find a carbonite gun on the ground)

STELLA: Who left this carbonite gun lying about!?

LEIKA: That's Chekov's gun. Why? Do you need one?

STELLA: Not right now, but I might use it later.

CRABBY: Hey Buzz, could you go give these drinks to the Novokov sisters over there? I’ve got to go change the barrels over downstairs

BUZZ: Sure thing, Crabby

(BARMAN goes down, BUZZ walks over to STELLA and LEIKA)

BUZZ: There you go girls, one fruit tingle and a cosmo..politan, shaken, not pissed in.

LEIKA: Just how I like it. Thank you.. uh.

BUZZ: Oh Buzz, Buzz Aldrin.

LEIKA: Thank you, Buzz (Hold each other’s gaze)

STELLA: AHEM, yes thank you Buzz. That will be all.

(BUZZ goes back to NEILl)

LEIKA: What beautiful eyes he has.

STELLA: You can’t like him Leika, it’s too dangerous

LEIKA: What? Why?

STELLA: Just look at the company he keeps! That's Neil Armstrong! History's greatest villain!

LEIKA: What does it matter who his friends are -

STELLA: Leika, if you want to be his lover you've got to get with his friends. Besides, he works in a bar.. you know what they say about guys who work in bars. They're wolves!

LEIKA: I don't think that's true.

STELLA: I'm sure they are definitely wolves.

(They drink and mime talk)

BUZZ: What big eyes she has.

NEIL: You can’t like her Buzz, it’s too dangerous.

BUZZ: What, why?

NEIL: Because she’s too different.

BUZZ: Why, because she’s Russian?

NEIL: No, because she’s a girl. It'll never work out.

BUZZ: Oh, come on Neil. She seems nice enough.

NEIL: I don't like the look of her. And check out her sister.

BUZZ: The pretty blonde she's with? 

NEIL: Watch yourself, Buzz. That's Stella Novokov - the head of Soviet Intelligence.

BUZZ: Who cares who her sister is? Nothing's going to happen .. I'm just having a good time for once.

NEIL: Fine but I’m out. I’ll meet you at the Freedom Dome. Don’t be late.

BUZZ: I won’t.

(Neil exits, Leika walks to Buzz, Stella stands at bar staring them down)

LEIKA: Your friend's leaving

BUZZ: Yeah, he's got stuff to do

LEIKA: Have you worked here long? I don't remember seeing you behind the bar.

BUZZ: I'm .. I'm elusive. Like a ghost.

LEIKA: You're a ghost?

BUZZ: In a manner of speaking..

LEIKA: What manner of speaking?

BUZZ: I haunt the .. uh. I have unfinished busine - .. John Edwards might tr- Would you like another drink?

LEIKA: Have one with me?

BUZZ: Okay. Crabby, can I grab...

LEIKA: A cosmopolitain with a dash of lemon.

BUZZ: Lemon?

LEIKA: It's my thing.

BUZZ: Okay, Crabby, one cosmo..politan with a dash of lemon for the lady and I'll have an orange juice.

LEIKA: Don't you drink?

BUZZ: Uh, no. Never.

CRABBY: Orange juice? Do you mean whiskey, Buzz?

BUZZ: Definitely not. I never drink.

LEIKA: Particularly not that American swill.

BUZZ: Sure, yeah. I'll just have my usual Crabby.

CRABBY: That's whiskey, Buzz. With the tears of an eagle. Roose-

BUZZ: Usual orange Juice. Yep, just an orange juice for me. Play us a song, Sam.

(Band begins to play Cantina)

LEIKA: My friend doesn't like you.

BUZZ: I'll be careful.

LEIKA: You'll be death-stared.

BUZZ: I think I can handle it.

CRABBY: Here you are you two.

BUZZ: Cheers, Crabby. Well, when in space

LEIKA: Do as the SpaceRomans Do!

(BOTH laugh)

BUZZ: Ahh.. a civilisation of alcoholics.

(Beat. BOTH drink)

BUZZ: So what brings you out here?

LEIKA: The war. But lets not talk about that. Tonight is about nice things. I don't want to taint your mind with stories of the war.

BUZZ: I know a fair few stories myself.

CRABBY: You two aren't talking about the war, are you?

BUZZ: No, Crabby.

CRABBY: What's the first rule of my bar, Buzz?

BUZZ: "No talking about the war".

CRABBY: And the second rule?

BUZZ: "No talking about the war god damn you."

CRABBY: And the third rule!?

BUZZ: No .. open toed shoes?

CRABBY: That's right. And make sure y'all follow them!

BUZZ: (to LEIKA) Sorry about that.

LEIKA: That's okay. I kinda wish they had that rule back at home.

BUZZ: Where’s home for you?

LEIKA: A little Russian town called ‘you sure ask a lot of questions, cowboy’

BUZZ: What a coincidence, I’m from the same place.

(continue talking, miming)

STELLA: (to KRISTIE at the bar) I don't like this. Something feels off about it. Leika's never like this. It's weird.

KRISTIE: You think that's weird. I once had sex with a raccoon.

STELLA: (Moves to KRISTOFF) I don't like this. Something feels off about it. Leika's never like this. It's weird.

KRISTOFF: You think that's weird! One time I was going to this fancy dress party dressed as a raccoon -

STELLA: (Leaves KRISTOFF) Leika, we have to go.

LEIKA: Oh, but we only just got here.

STELLA: Well, I don't care for the company.

LEIKA: Stella can you please just leave us alone?

STELLA: Fine. (walks away)

LEIKA: I’m so sorry, my friend is a bit of .. uh .. This is going to sound mad. She thinks .. she thinks you're American. But that's mad I mean.. sure, you've got an American accent and a flag on your shirt but that's just .. uh .. it's ..

BUZZ: (Finishes drink) We don't talk about the war in here.

LEIKA: You're an American!?

BUZZ: In here I'm nothing. I'm Buzz, nice to meet you. Your name was..

LEIKA: We were told Americans were .. they .. are horrible capitalists that only care about what they want.

BUZZ: That's right. And right now this American would like to know your name.

LEIKA: It’s - It's Leika.

BUZZ: Leika. I like that. Leika, this could be the start of a beautiful-

LEIKA: American!

BUZZ: Well, he'd be half-Russian but we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves. I'll see you soon. (Exit)

LEIKA: He's American, Stella. American. I hate the Americans with their manifested destiny, and freedom for all and the red... white.. and the bluest eyes I've ever seen..

<Fade to Opening Credits>