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Zombies

This is currently split up into three sketches (Zombies: Mix, Real and Doctor Rewrite), to see which works best. I'm not sure whether the video game tropes will be understandable by the general audience, and I'm not sure if movie tropes alone are substantial enough.


ZOMBIES (MIX)

The previous sketch finishes. The band finishes playing. The lights dim. Darkness. The band plays in the dark. Behind the audience the theatre doors burst open and 4 survivors run in (TRUCKER, BLACK, HOT, NERD), and seal the doors behind them. You can hear banging against the doors around the theatre. The survivors run down the stairs by torchlight/torches mounted on guns. Zombies file in from the dark, and rise from the audience (audience plants). The zombies getting shot and blood (capsules) explodes. The survivors scamper over the stage and disapear back stage. You can see their lights moving about. They appear on the juliets and a horde of zombies begins acruing below them.

BLACK: Oh god that was close.

TRUCKER: For someone like you, I guess.

BLACK: I'm sorry?

TRUCKER: Nothing. Hey kid! Why the hell do you keep stopping to smash crates open?

NERD: They're filled with money, ammo, and gems. I don't know why when a zombie apocalypse occurred, people thought "hey, I'll put my valuables in a crate", but hey, it works for me.

TRUCKER: What the hell do you need money for anyway?

NERD: Because this guy keeps popping up and selling us weapons!

(DRIFTER in a trench coat enters.)

DRIFTER: Want to have a look at me wares?

TRUCKER: What the hell? How did you get up here!?

(NERD silently trades with DRIFTER)
 
BLACK: -Oh god. She's been bitten.

HOT: I didn't want to mention it. It's nothing really.

TRUCKER: Typical. Well let's kill her now before she turns.

HOT: What!?

TRUCKER: Name one time when leaving the 'bitten person' in the group alive has been a good idea.
 
BLACK: He's got a good point.

HOT: But there's been antidotes laying around the street!

BLACK: Yes, but they're usually guarded by hordes of zombies or are hidden in very elaborate places that require us to solve some sort of puzzle before we can obtain them.

TRUCKER: Look lets kill her before she turns, and then loot her weapons, ammo and money.

BLACK: Have you you tried rolling bandages on it, or eating herbs? I ate some herbs I found on a festering corpse and it fixed my broken leg right up.

HOT: Are you crazy!? Of course I already tried that!

TRUCKER: Well then, I'm out of ideas. (points gun at HOT)

HOT: You didn't even suggest anything! Nerd, help me!

NERD: Well this merchant is offering an antidote for $200. Or I can buy a scope upgrade for my machine gun.

BLACK: Tough decision.

HOT: What? No it's not. Look. I've got $150 right here.

NERD: Awesome. Now I have enough for laser sight too.

HOT: What? Why did you do that?! What poss-

NERD: Look. This isn't a horror movie babe. Saving you doesn't mean we'll (indicates to HOT and NERD) end up in defacto romance and get rescued by the army. This is real. And that means we have to make tough decisions. Life changing decisions. And this life changing decision is letting you die so I can have a laser attached to my gun.

TRUCKER: Look, are we killing this chick or not?

HOT: You can't! The black guy always dies first!

BLACK: You know what? I'm not even offended. I'm surprised I've survived to this point too.

(A zombie lunges onto the juliet and drags BLACK to his death, NERD raises his gun to shoot the zombie.)

TRUCKER: No! This is how nature intended.

Lights down


(An antidote syringe will be resting on the other juliet during the sketch, in a non-obvious fashion, just for those who care to notice it.)



ZOMBIES (REAL)

The previous sketch finishes. The band finishes playing. The lights dim. Darkness. The band plays in the dark. Behind the audience the theatre doors burst open and 5 survivors run in (TRUCKER, OLD, BLACK, HOT, NERD) guided by torchlight/torches mounted on guns. NERD is helping a limping HOT.

TRUCKER: Hurry hurry hurry!

OLD: Seal the doors!

NERD: Oh god, oh god!

They seal the door behind them. You can hear banging against the door.

OLD: Get the others!

BLACK races to the other sets of doors.

BLACK: Got it!

Banging starts on the new doors they've sealed.

OLD: These won't hold long, get moving!

The survivors run down the stairs. A Zombie feeding on a corpse rises on stage from the dark (HOT screams) and OLD shoots it, blood (capsules) explodes. The survivors scamper onto the stage, HOT limps down with NERD helping.

TRUCKER: SHIT. We're stuck in the fucking dark of a fucking warehouse with the fucking horde at the doors. What stupid id-

OLD: CALM down. We need to light this place and find a way out. Check the back.

TRUCKER: I aint fucking doing it.

BLACK: I'll do it.

HOT: Oh god, oh god.

HOT and NERD reach the stage.

OLD: What is it?

HOT reveals her wound.

OLD: Oh dear.

NERD: You told me you had just sprained your ankle.

TRUCKER: Sprained her ankle? Hah! We always knew you were a lier. This is the last fucking time you're endangering my life. (points a gun at her)

HOT: No!

NERD: Woh hey! What the hell?!

OLD: Slow down now.

TRUCKER: What, why? She's infected. When was the last time it was a good idea to leave an infected alive? EXACTLY. NEVER. She could turn any fucking second now.

OLD: We don't know that.

TRUCKER: Of course we do, she's been fucking bitten.

HOT: Please don't shoot me. Please don't let him shoot me. There might be an antidote in here.

NERD: We have to wait.

TRUCKER: Great, no light, no escape, and now we need an antidote.

A zombie lurches in from the stairs behind OLD and gets shot by TRUCKER, another lurches in behind TRUCKER and gets shot. TRUCKER turns his torch towards where the shot was fired from, it's BLACK, he's returned.

BLACK: And now the zombies are finding their way in. But I think I might have solved our light problem. (disappears back stage)

1-2 spot lights up on stage.

TRUCKER: Whoopdee fucking do. The fuck!?

DRIFTER: (enters the light from downstage) Want to have a look at me wares?

OLD: You again!

TRUCKER: Jesus. Fucking hobos selling fucking guns. We should rob this guy.

NERD: Do you have to solve everything with shooting? How the hell did you get on before this apocalyp-

HOT: ARRRGGGG!

BLACK: She's turning.

They prepare their weapons.

OLD: Wait! This merchant is offering an antidote for $200. Or for the same price we can all get scope upgrades for our machine guns.

BLACK: Tough decision.

HOT: AHHH! Not it's not. I have $150 right here. Buy the antidote.

OLD: He says we now have enough to buy laser sights for all our weapons.

NERD: How could you-

Growling. Three zombies attack the stage from different directions, and are killed by TRUCKER, BLACK, and OLD.

BLACK: I hate to say it, but I think we need those upgrades.

HOT: No!

OLD: Trucker? Nerd?

TRUCKER: Do it.

NERD: Okay.

OLD: That's a majority.

HOT: WHAT!? No! Don't do that! Why did do you that?! What possible reason could you use for validating spending my-

NERD: Look. We're in danger, and saving you doesn't mean we (indicates to HOT and NERD) end up in defacto romance and get rescued by the army. This is real. And that means we have to make tough decisions. Life changing decisions. And this life changing decision is letting you die so I can have a laser attached to my gun.

HOT: I can't believe you woul- ARRGGG!

TRUCKER: Oh shit. Here they come!

The doors at the back of the theatre burst open, zombies rush in (the doors close behind them). A gunfight and melee combat ensues.

OLD: That was only a quarter as many as there were waiting outside. There's going to be more where they came from. We have to get moving. This guy says there's a way out of here, but he won't leave with an infected.

NERD: But she-

TRUCKER: Look. Are we killing this chick or not?

HOT: You can't!

TRUCKER: NAME ONE GOOD REASON.

HOT: The black guy always dies first.

BLACK: Sorry, did I miss the breaking news that zombies are apparently massive racists? Or does your casual xenophobia act as some kind of zombie repellan-

Screams, a zombie lunges out from the wings and drags BLACK to his death, everyone raises theirs guns to shoot the zombie. TRUCKER steps in front.

TRUCKER: No! This is how nature intended.

NERD assists HOT and they all move offstage.

Lights down.


(During the sketch there's an antidote subtley sitting on the juliet for anyone who care's to notice, and the corpse that zombie #1 is feeding on is holding a bloodied fire axe, this is used in the melee fight by NERD who runs out of ammo.)



ZOMBIES (DOCTOR REWRITE)

The previous sketch finishes. The band finishes playing. The lights dim. Darkness. The band plays in the dark. Behind the audience the theatre doors burst open and 5 survivors run in (TRUCKER, OLD, DOCTOR, HOT, NERD) guided by torchlight/torches mounted on guns. NERD is helping a limping HOT.

DOCTOR: Hurry hurry hurry!

OLD: Seal the doors!

NERD: Oh god, oh god!

They seal the door behind them. You can hear banging against the door.

OLD: Get the others!

TRUCKER races to the other sets of doors.

TRUCKER: Got it!

Banging starts on the new doors they've sealed.

OLD: These won't hold long, get moving!

The survivors run down the stairs. A Zombie feeding on a corpse rises on stage from the dark (HOT screams) and OLD shoots it, blood (capsules) explodes. The survivors scamper onto the stage, HOT limps down with NERD helping.

TRUCKER: SHIT. We're stuck in the fucking dark of a fucking warehouse with the fucking horde at the doors. What stupid id-

DOCTOR: CALM down. We need to light this place and find a way out. Check the back.

TRUCKER: I aint fucking doing it.

OLD: I'll do it.

HOT: Oh god, oh god.

HOT and NERD reach the stage.

NERD: What is it?

HOT reveals her wound.

NERD: Oh god. You told me you had just sprained your ankle.

TRUCKER: Sprained her ankle? Hah! We always knew you were a liar. This is the last fucking time you're endangering my life. (points a gun at HOT)

HOT: No!

NERD: (Points his gun at TRUCKER) Put the gun down.

TRUCKER: She's infected. When was the last time it was a good idea to leave an infected alive? EXACTLY. NEVER. She could turn any fucking second now.

NERD: We don't know that.

TRUCKER: Of course we do, she's been fucking bitten.

DOCTOR: Everyone calm down. (Addressing NERD) I'm a doctor. Let me take a look.

NERD: Really? Do you think she'll be okay?

DOCTOR: I won't know until I take a look.

(NERD steps away from HOT).

DOCTOR: (To TRUCKER) Alright, she's all yours.

NERD:  Woah hey! What the hell?!

DOCTOR: Well he's right! She could turn any second now.

HOT: Please don't shoot me. Please don't let him shoot me.

NERD: Just wait. There might be an antidote in here.

TRUCKER: No light, no escape, a thousand undead monsters descending on us and you want me to wait for a FUCKING ANTIDOTE?

A zombie lurches in from the stairs behind NERD and gets shot by TRUCKER, another lurches in behind TRUCKER and gets shot. TRUCKER turns his torch towards where the shot was fired from, it's OLD, he's returned.

OLD: And now those undead monsters are finding their way in. But I think I might have solved our light problem. (disappears back stage)

1-2 spot lights up on stage.

TRUCKER: Whoopdee fucking do. The fuck!?

DRIFTER: (enters the light from downstage) Want to have a look at me wares?

OLD: You again! You're still alive?

DOCTOR: How are you even still running a business during a zombie apocalypse!

TRUCKER: Jesus. Fucking hobos selling junk. We should rob this guy.

NERD: Do you have to solve everything with shooting? How the hell did you get on before this apocalyp-

HOT: ARRRGGGG!

DOCTOR: She's turning.

They prepare their weapons.

OLD: Wait! This merchant is offering an antidote for $200. Or....well, we could use some of this stuff.

TRUCKER: Ohhh, let me see. Hm, we should definitely get this (producing a crowbar).

DOCTOR: Is there anything else useful in there?

HOT: AHHH! Christ. I have $150 right here. Buy the antidote!

OLD: (conversing with DRIFTER) He says he'll throw in a shovel ducktaped to a pickaxe for an extra $50.

NERD: How could you-

Growling. Three zombies attack the stage from different directions, and are killed by TRUCKER, DOCTOR, and OLD.

TRUCKER: Guys, check this out. (Produces a flamethrower from the drifter's wares).

HOT: No!

OLD: Yes.

DOCTOR: Do it.

NERD: Yeah definitely do it.

OLD: That's a majority.

HOT: WHAT!? No! Don't do that! Why did do you that?! What possible reason could you use for validating spending my-

NERD: Look. We're in danger, and saving you doesn't mean we (indicates to HOT and NERD) end up in defacto romance and get rescued by the army. This is real. And that means we have to make tough decisions. Life changing decisions. And this life changing decision is letting you die so we can have a flamethrowe....fighting chance.

HOT: I can't believe you woul- ARRGGG!

TRUCKER: Oh shit. Here they come!

The doors at the back of the theatre burst open, zombies rush in (the doors close behind them). A gunfight and melee combat ensues.

OLD: That was only a quarter as many as there were waiting outside. There's going to be more where they came from. We have to get moving. This guy says there's a way out of here, but he won't leave with an infected.

NERD: But she-

TRUCKER: Look. Are we killing this chick or not?

HOT: You can't!

TRUCKER: NAME ONE GOOD REASON.

HOT: I, well, I.... (turning to NERD). I love you.

DOCTOR: We're all going to die.

NERD: No, we're not. (To OLD) Talk to him. Convince him it's okay.

HOT starts to stand up. She has a definite look of zombie in her eyes. She is looking directly at NERD.

NERD: She won't turn. I promise you, she won-

HOT lunges at NERD.

NERD: AHHHHHH-

TRUCKER shoots HOT.

TRUCKER: What did I tell you. WHAT DID I FUCKING TELL YOU.

NERD: (clutching his bleeding wound) Soooooo, about that antidote?

TRUCKER, DOCTOR, OLD and DRIFTER arm their weapons and train them on NERD.

Lights down.
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