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USA Visa Interview

Lights on, showing two men sitting at a table opposite each other (INTERVIEWER and APPLICANT), both well dressed. INTERVIEWER has a little booklet of 'questions'. There is another man in the background/against a wall (SUPERVISOR). APPLICANT constantly kinda shuffles in his chair, but tries to keep it discrete.

INTERVIEWER: Welcome, Mr. (insert apt name here), how are you today?

APPLICANT: I'm quite well, thank you! It's a bit chilly outside, but you know, it *is* winter!

Both force little chuckles that go on longer than they should, and then end abruptly.

INT: So, anyway, let's get on with this, shall we? You're here to apply for a Visa for a holiday to America, yes?

APP: Yes that's right!

INT: And how long were you planning on staying in the US?

APP: About 4 months. I have long service leave, and there's family over there that I'd like to spend some time with.

INT: Oh yeah, of course, sounds like a great plan!! Have you been to America before?

APP: Only once before, about maybe 15 years ago now, actually. Wow, that really WAS a while back!

INT: Ooooo yeah, quite a while!! A lot has changed, believe you me!

APP: I'm sure!! I mean, back then, I didn't even need a Visa!

INT: Oh yes.... those were good, care-free days... But yes, a lot has changed..... Anyway! Back to the questions. (INTERVIEWER turns over to a new page in his booklet) Hmmmm... Ok, um... please bear with me for these following questions, it won't take too long. (comforting smile and glance towards the APPLICANT) Have you ever committed any drug-trafficking offences?

APP: Oh no, of course not! I'm drug-free.

INT: Aren't we all? Hahahahaha..... ahhhh..... (awkward silence) Anyway! Um, next question. Have you... ever been involved in any... genocides? Or cultural killings and the like?

APP: Hmmmm..... Let me think.... Oh, yes I have. Yep, back in '78 if I recall correctly. Quite unfortunate, really, looking back at those poor insects. Didn't know what we were doing in that forest.

INT: Oooooh..... ummm.... ahhh.... let me just check with my supervisor about that.......

(INTERVIEWER rises and goes to talk to the SUPERVISOR, then returns very shortly after)

INT: Hey, um.... yeh..... sssssssorryyyyyyyyy....... Bad news, Mr. (name).... we.... can't let you in to the United States. Hmmmm..... sorry about that! Maybe you might have some luck somewhere else, but at least where we come from, genocide of *any* sort is expressly illegal. So sorry to let you down!

APP: Oh... um, ok.... That's... ok, I guess? Not the end of the world, I guess my family can come and visit me too, if they want!

(Both characters try to remain very civil and happy)

INT: I'm so glad there's no hard feelings! It was nice to meet you, Mr. (name)

APP: Same here, thanks for your help!

INT: Oh, just quickly, before you go, um..... DUDE!!!! YOU'RE UNDER FREAKING ARREST!!! GENOCIDE?! REALLY?! You're coming with us, Mr. (name)!! That's SO UN COOL!!!


INT: Ohhhh really! From the looks of it, you've got ants in your pants right now!!! "ACCIDENT" MY BUTT!! Let's go!

SUPERVISOR joins INTERVIEWER and they handcuff APPLICANT, then drag him away. APPLICANT, whose hands are behind his back, then scratches his butt.