Show Archive‎ > ‎2011‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Tumour

A DOCTOR (serious) in his office. BOB (scared) enters.

DOC: Ah, Bob. Please, sit down. I'm afraid I have some bad news. I'm not quite sure how to say this, but out of respect for you, I won't sugar-coat it. Are you ready?

BOB: Okay. I'm ready.

DOC: You have a tumour in your brain.

BOB: Oh.

DOC: And it's massive.

BOB: Um?

DOC: Brobdingnagian.

BOB: Wait. How big is that?

DOC: It means enormous. If you examine this x-ray here, you will notice that it is roughly the size of a horse.

BOB: What?

DOC: Your tumour is larger than your head.

BOB: How is that possible? I mean, I don't even- (BOB feels around his own head)
 
DOC: To properly explain this to you, I brought along a friend of mine. He's a physicist.

PHYSICIST appears from behind the desk.

PHY: Well, you see, your tumour has somehow extended beyond the normal dimensions of space and time into an n-dimensional non-Euclidean hyperspace with a surprisingly non-zero quantum probability.

BOB: What?
 
PHY: In simple physics terms, you're more tumor than man.
 
DOC: My god. He's right! We'll need to operate imediately before smaller tumors get caught in it's orbit!

BOB: That's not a thing that can happen! Is it?

PHY: The doctor is right! Have you heard of the Planet Jupiter?

BOB: Yes?
 
(beat)
 
DOC: Bob! Get on the table! It's time to operate!
 
PHY: How can I help Doctor?
 
DOC: Prepare the lasers.

PHYSICIST withdraws light sabers

DOC: Are you ready Bob?

BOB: Is that a light sabe-?

The doctor gasses ROB

DOC: Here he comes!

C
ANCER appears from behind the operating table weiling a light saber.
 
PSY: My powers have doubled since the last time we fought Cancer.
 
CAN: Excellent, twice the pride, double the fall.

A battle ensues, PSYSICIST loses his arm, DOCTOR defeats CANCER. BOB wakes.

BOB: The fuck?

DOC: I've defeated your Cancer.

BOB: What do you mean you've defeated my Cancer?

DOC: (
waves hand infront of Bob) I've defeated your cancer.
 
BOB: You have defeated my cancer... What the hell happened to that Physicists arm?!

DOC: (waves hand infront of Bob) Physicists don't have left arms.

BOB: You're getting that confused with girlfriends.
 
PSY: I'm so lonely.
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