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The Unsinkable

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CAPTAIN is doing something captainy (e.g at the wheel), FIRST MATE enters.

MATE: Captain, the ship’s just hit an iceberg. We’ve got to get to the lifeboats. The Titanic is sinking.

CAPT: What? Don't be ridiculous. This ship can't sink.

MATE: Look, I know it’s a big shock, but levels 2 to 7 are already flooded. The ship is sinking.

CAPT: Don't be silly. It can't be.

MATE: What?

CAPT: It’s can’t be. It’s called “The Unsinkable” for a reason.

MATE: Captain, an iceberg pierced the hull and half the ship is underwater.

CAPT: Don’t be ridiculous there aren’t even icebergs in the Atlantic at this time of year.

MATE: Sir, I saw it with my own two eyes. The ship is going down.

CAPT: And I saw it with my own two eyes! “RMS Titanic: The Unsinkable”

MATE: Just because you say something’s unsinkable, doesn’t mean it is!

CAPT: Are you calling the RMS Unsinkable a liar?

MATE: What do I have to do to convince you we’re sinking? (grabs Captain’s newspaper) Look at your horoscope! “Gemini: You will have smooth sailing today until you crash into an iceberg and kill thousands of people.”

CAPT: They say that about Gemini every week. Don’t you think you’re going a bit overboard with this whole “iceberg” thing? Get it? Going? Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, Jenkins, you’re such a sucker. Ha ha h-


CAPT: Then stop speaking.
MATE: That’s it. I tried to warn you. I’m heading to the lifeboats before it’s too late.

CAPT: You know I sold half of them before we left?

MATE: What?

CAPT: I felt it fit with the unsinkable feel of the ship.

MATE: I do not know how you got your captain’s license.

CAPT: And I do not how there’s water pouring in from under the door. Did someone leave a tap on?

MATE: If by “tap” you mean “WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE”, then yes. Why won't you believe me? The ship is sinking!

CAPT: Hah! I'll believe it when I hear it from this "iceberg" itself.
GIANT ICEBERG emerges from the wings onto stage
ICEB: I've crashed into your ship. You're all going to drown.
CAPT: Oh. (runs)

Lights down
Josh Pearse,
May 31, 2011, 4:17 AM