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USS Enterprise's IT Department

USS Enterprise's IT Department

KIRK sits in the captain chair stroking his chin as two ensigns, SULU and MR RED SHIRT, sit before him at the helm. Behind KIRK on his right hand side are SPOCK and UHURA, who appear to be arguing about a machine. There’s a sign posted in the background reading, “Days since last workplace accidental death: 06". KIRK presses a button on his chair.

KIRK: Captain’s log, Star date 3.14159265. The federation has requested our presence in the Koinonian sector to mediate a peace treaty between the Allurians and the Mohicans. Unfortunately the controls of our helm have inexplicably stopped responding while in orbit around their planet, and we have sent for the head of our IT department to resolve the issue.

Generic Star Trek Sci-fi door opening noise, SOM, a scraggly old man with beard and tool box enters

SOM: Head of IT reporting, Captain. Where’s the problem?

SULU: It’s over here. (shows) It just suddenly started ignoring my orders.

SOM: What were you running before it started acting up?

SULU: Just the navigation program, heading 341 mark 221 ... and... a game of solitaire.

All except SOM look taken aback/disappointed, some gasps

KIRK: We can let that slide for now, Mr. SULU, but if we catch you doing this again, there will be punishment. You don’t want your fencing privileges revoked again, do you?

SULU: No please, not my stabbing practice.

SOM: None of that would have done this. Are you sure the console is plugged in?

More crew reactions

SPOCK: That is a most illogical question sir. These consoles do not have plugs. They are wired directly into the floor.

SOM: So you’re sure then? Nobody could have accidentally tripped on a wire?

KIRK: With all the things that happen to this heap of space junk, it’s never something that simple.

SOM: We should still check the wiring to see if there’ve been any shorts outs.

MR RED SHIRT gets up and detaches the back of the helm, which the audience can see from this angle

RED: The plastic covering has melted off of the wires here. They must have overheated during that last battle with the Klingons.

RED is about to touch the wires when SPOCK stops him

SPOCK: Wait, ensign. Those are live wires. If you had touched those, the electrical current might’ve killed you.

RED: Thank you, sir. I owe you my life.

RED stands up from where he was and his phaser falls out of his pocket. He bends to pick it up and his head touches the open console. He is electrocuted and dies. The accidental death sign clicks back over to “00”

KIRK: Every single time. EVERY time. Why do we even have red shirts?

SOM: Well, there’s only one thing for it sir. You’re going to have to try turning the console off and back on.

KIRK: Check that with Engineering UHURA.


UHURA: They say that would be no good, sir. In order to shut off the entire helm we’d have to stop the engines and that would turn off all our systems. The back-up generators are still being repaired after the Klingon assault.

SPOCK: Wait, why do we have an IT department AND an engineering department?

SULU: Captain, our orbit is starting to decay. We’re being sucked down into the atmosphere!

KIRK: Go to red alert.

Red lights flash and a weird Star Trek alarm noise sounds

SOM: There’s nothing else for it captain. You have to act now.

SPOCK: You know the risks, captain. If the systems don’t come back online, we’ll be done for.

KIRK: Of course I know, SPOCK. Would you stop telling me what I obviously know about my own goddamn ship? (to SOM) Do it.

SOM: Are you sure captain?

KIRK: Just do it man!

SOM steps up to the free console and flips a switch, a click is heard and the lights go down, a short beat, another click and the lights come back up, KIRK’s shirt is torn at the shoulder and half way up the side of his chest, his face has some blood on it, SULU gets hard at work flicking switches

SULU: We’ve pulled out of orbit, captain.

KIRK: Warp one, Mr. SULU.

SPOCK: But captain, we still have business on the planet.

KIRK: Yes, but we always speed away at the end of an episode.

Lights down