Saw this under raw ideas and thought it was kinda cool, just a start with a few more ideas, ammendments needed:


THE FASTIDIOUS DETECTIVE

Lights up. CRAIG a dead body, MURDERER is covered in blood held on a seat by two others, BOB and JANE. DETECTIVE enters. 

BOB: Thank God you’re here! Look what he’s done Detective!

DETECTIVE: Look what who’s done?

JANE: This MURDERERERER! He killed Craig! He was getting married in June!

DETECTIVE: Calm down everybody, calm down, let’s not jump to conclusions.

JANE: No, seriously! They booked the church and everything!

BOB: He means about the mur-

DETECTIVE: I MEAN ABOUT THE MURDERERER!

Beat.

BOB: Wait, why shouldn't we jump to conclusions about the murderer?

DETECTIVE: We don’t know who killed him, or why. It could have been anyone in this room.

MURDERER: Actually, it was me, I really hated the bastard. He st-

DETECTIVE: Proof my man. We, need, proof.

MURDERER: I just said I did it, that’s a confession; I have the knife right here.

DETECTIVE: PROOF!

BOB, JANE and MURDERER sigh

DETECTIVE: It’s time I inspected the body!

DETECTIVE investigates the body

DETECTIVE: It appears this man… is dead!

Beat

JANE claps awkwardly

JANE: Well that’s why we called you.

DETECTIVE: Well sorry for my professional opinion. Just let me work!

BOB: Fine.

DETECTIVE investigates the body again, getting blood on his hands

DETECTIVE: It appears this man was stabbed.

Beat, BOB claps awkwardly

BOB: We already knew that!

JANE: He said he did it!

MURDERER: I'm covered in blood.

BOB, JANE and MURDERER: We have the knife!

DETECTIVE: That could be any knife, now silence! You three! Show me your hands!

They all sigh and hold out their hands, the DETECTIVE inspects

DETECTIVE: Hmmm. Curious. Blood on your clothes and on everyone’s hands. Very curious. It appears you tripped, and these kind men tried to save you!

MURDERER: (standing up) Alright, I’m sick of this. I’ll turn myself into the poli-

DETECTIVE: Sit down!

MURDERER: No! Look!

MURDERER stands up, picks up knife and stabs the corpse multiple times

MURDERER: See! You just WATCHED me stab the man! Believe me now?

DETECTIVE: WOAH! Calm down big feller, how would you like it if he did that to you?

MURDERER: He can't... He's dead...

DETECTIVE: Why yes he is! You're good at this, maybe you should become my assistant once day! Right now I need to dust for prints.

DETECTIVE dusts the body and then looks at their own fingers

DETECTIVE: Hmmm… three good Samaritans, a body covered in MY prints…. Blood on MY hands…. Tis doesn't make any sense!

BOB, JANE, MURDERER: What?!

DETECTIVE: All the evidence... it points to ME....but, it couldn't be me...Surely it couldn't be me! Proof...PROOF, why couldn't it be me?!

They all sigh

JANE: He was dead before you got here!

DETECTIVE: A-ha! I wasn't even here, the perfect alibi! But, if it wasn't any of you.

MURDERER: IT WAS ME!

DETECTIVE: Yes, yes, and I suppose birds fly!!

BOB: Well, yea, pretty much by defini-

DETECTIVE: AANNDD it wasn't me either....who could it be?

DETECTIVE slowly looks at each of them in turn eyes fall to the corpse

BOB, JANE and MURDERER: Oh no.

DETECTIVE: Well it looks like we found our culprit! You, kind sir, are under arrest!

DETECTIVE handcuffs the corpse and drags him offstage talking loudly to himself about what a great job he's done and reprimanding the actions of the murderous corpse

MURDERER: Soo... You guys wanna get a beer?

BOB: yea, ok

BOB, JANE, and MURDERER exit joyfully

*lights out*