<Normal lighting>
SAM and OPTIMUS PRIME are on stage.
SAM: So,
uh .. Optimus. You're probably wondering why I brought you here.
OPTIMUS: I
serve at your pleasure, Sam.
SAM: I
know, and I'm grateful. I just feel.. uh.. since I found out that ..
not only were you my truck but you were a robot.
OPTIMUS:
Robot in disguise
SAM: Yes,
in disguise, but still importantly and essentially a robot – um –
there is just ..
OPTIMUS:
Sam, I don't -
SAM: As your best friend I feel
I should say to you that .. while I didn't know that you were and I – .. Ahem.. Optimus Prime,
I am really really sorry about all that sex I had in you while you were a truck.
(long
beat)
SAM:
Optimus ..
OPTIMUS:
No it's fine. It's fine. Don't .. please don't mention it.
SAM: I am
really sorry.
OPTIMUS:
Please, Sam. I'd rather we didn't -
SAM: No,
understandable. Completely understandable. So.. How did I do?
OPTIMUS:
Sorry?
SAM: How
did I – I mean, if this isn't a weird thing to ask
OPTIMUS:
It's definitely a weird thing to ask
SAM: Okay.
Uh .. So.. How 'bout them decepticons.
OPTIMUS:
Yeah.. It's really -
SAM: One
more question
OPTIMUS:
Go on.
[FAST]
SAM: .. Do
you think .. I mean, as a car, would you say that Tina's orga-
OPTIMUS:
Okay, dude. I really really don't want to talk about this.
SAM: Well,
we've already breached the subject
OPTIMUS:
It's an uncomfortable subject
SAM: I
don't see why it should be -
OPTIMUS:
It's really gross.
SAM: Sex
can't be a taboo
OPTIMUS:
It can be when it's inside of me!
SAM: I
said I was sorry!
OPTIMUS:
Doesn't make it better!
SAM: I
don't see how this is my fault
OPTIMUS:
YOU HAD SEX INSIDE OF ME
SAM: YOU
COULD HAVE LET ME KNOW YOU WERE SENTIENT (beat) You could have let me
know you were sentient.
OPTIMUS: I
.. I thought you knew.
SAM: How
was I supposed to know!
OPTIMUS:
You could have guessed!
SAM: I
could have guessed my car was an alien robot!?
OPTIMUS:
I'm just saying, before you have sex inside something check it out
SAM: I
CAN'T PERFORM TURING TESTS WITH MY PENIS. That's not something I can
do. I cannot use my genitals to tell if a robot is sentient. Maybe
some people can. But that is not part of my skill set.
OPTIMUS:
Hey – you have no reason to be mad at me
SAM: Why
didn't you just say “Hey man, by the way – before you guys get
going just thought you might like to know that I'm not a car and
actually am a sentient robot.”
OPTIMUS: I
was already intending -
SAM: Were
you watching us!?
OPTIMUS:
Nup. No. Definitely not.
SAM:
OPTIMUS PRIME, Were you watching me have sex inside of you?
OPTIMUS:
Oh, if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that -
SAM:
Answer the question, Optimus.
OPTIMUS:
Look, let's not play who watched who have sex in who-
SAM: No, I
think we should. Optimus Prime, did you watch me have sex inside of you?
OPTIMUS: Yes.
SAM: (beat) I want copies of the tapes.
<Black>
End.
