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<Normal lighting>

SAM and OPTIMUS PRIME are on stage.

SAM: So, uh .. Optimus. You're probably wondering why I brought you here.

OPTIMUS: I serve at your pleasure, Sam.

SAM: I know, and I'm grateful. I just feel.. uh.. since I found out that .. not only were you my truck but you were a robot.

OPTIMUS: Robot in disguise

SAM: Yes, in disguise, but still importantly and essentially a robot – um – there is just ..

OPTIMUS: Sam, I don't -

SAM: As your best friend I feel I should say to you that .. while I didn't know that you were and I –  .. Ahem.. Optimus Prime, I am really really sorry about all that sex I had in you while you were a truck.

(long beat)

SAM: Optimus ..

OPTIMUS: No it's fine. It's fine. Don't .. please don't mention it.

SAM: I am really sorry.

OPTIMUS: Please, Sam. I'd rather we didn't -

SAM: No, understandable. Completely understandable. So.. How did I do?


SAM: How did I – I mean, if this isn't a weird thing to ask

OPTIMUS: It's definitely a weird thing to ask

SAM: Okay. Uh .. So.. How 'bout them decepticons.

OPTIMUS: Yeah.. It's really -

SAM: One more question



SAM: .. Do you think .. I mean, as a car, would you say that Tina's orga-

OPTIMUS: Okay, dude. I really really don't want to talk about this.

SAM: Well, we've already breached the subject

OPTIMUS: It's an uncomfortable subject

SAM: I don't see why it should be -

OPTIMUS: It's really gross.

SAM: Sex can't be a taboo

OPTIMUS: It can be when it's inside of me!

SAM: I said I was sorry!

OPTIMUS: Doesn't make it better!

SAM: I don't see how this is my fault


SAM: YOU COULD HAVE LET ME KNOW YOU WERE SENTIENT (beat) You could have let me know you were sentient.

OPTIMUS: I .. I thought you knew.

SAM: How was I supposed to know!

OPTIMUS: You could have guessed!

SAM: I could have guessed my car was an alien robot!?

OPTIMUS: I'm just saying, before you have sex inside something check it out

SAM: I CAN'T PERFORM TURING TESTS WITH MY PENIS. That's not something I can do. I cannot use my genitals to tell if a robot is sentient. Maybe some people can. But that is not part of my skill set.

OPTIMUS: Hey – you have no reason to be mad at me

SAM: Why didn't you just say “Hey man, by the way – before you guys get going just thought you might like to know that I'm not a car and actually am a sentient robot.”

OPTIMUS: I was already intending -

SAM: Were you watching us!?

OPTIMUS: Nup. No. Definitely not.

SAM: OPTIMUS PRIME, Were you watching me have sex inside of you?

OPTIMUS: Oh, if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that -

SAM: Answer the question, Optimus.

OPTIMUS: Look, let's not play who watched who have sex in who-

SAM: No, I think we should. Optimus Prime, did you watch me have sex inside of you?


SAM: (beat) I want copies of the tapes.