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*Sexy Clown


<Normal lighting>

TRACEY is standing. DAVE enters in a clown costume.

DAVE: Hey Tracey, is there something behind your ear? (Dave puts his hand behind her ear.)  Oh, It's my hand. Embracing you.

TRACEY: David, why have you dressed up like a -

DAVE: Shh (puts a finger to her lips) It's time to send in the clowns.

TRACEY: Are - Are you trying to hit on me?

DAVE: Ooh, don't play hard to clown. I know you want me.

TRACEY: What are you doing?

DAVE: I'm being sexy!

TRACEY: You're dressed like a clown!

DAVE: Ooh, you know what they say about guys with clown shoes..

TRACEY: I don't kno -

DAVE: They say “Have sex with them”

TRACEY: Dave, I'm not going to sleep with you.

DAVE: Yes you are.

TRACEY: No, Dave – I'm not.

DAVE: (Long beat) I just don't get girls! I mean, they want you to be tough, they want you to be sensitive, they want you to be a clown, I just don't know what they want.

TRACEY: (as above) Wait – what?

DAVE: I mean, you try and be a nice guy, you try and play it cool, you try and balance on a little unicycle while juggling bowling pins -

TRACEY: Do – Do you think girls want you to be a clown?

DAVE: Of course they do! It's the classic movie trope! The clown next door!

TRACEY: That's not a thing -

DAVE: It happens in every film! Boy meet girl! Boy likes girl! Girl doesn't like boy! Boy dresses like clown! They have sex for hours! Have you seen Notting Hill?

TRACEY: Have .. have you seen Notting Hill?

DAVE: Of course I have! It's the greatest of the Rom-Clown genre!

TRACEY: That's not a – Dave, you seem to have apropos of nothing decided that girls are all famously attracted to clowns

DAVE: It's like in Notting Hill when Julia Roberts -

TRACEY: That never happened in Notting Hill! It didn't! I haven't even seen Notting Hill and I'm certain that didn't ha-


BOTH: Julia Roberts!?

JULIA: Hi, I'm award winning actress Julia Roberts, star of hit rom-clown films Pretty Woman, My Best Friend's Wedding and, of course, Notting Hill. My car broke down outside and it started to rain so I was just wondering if there was any chance that I could have sex with a clown?

DAVE: Of course you can!

TRACEY: You – Wha- Why?

JULIA: It's just like in Notting Hill. I'm just a girl.. standing in front of a clown.. asking him to have sex with her.

DAVE: What an excellent film.

<Lights down>