Show Archive‎ > ‎2011‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Physics won't get you a girlfriend

Lights up on stage to reveal two Characters, one male, one female....lets call them Bruce and Sheila for scripting's sake
Bruce is a physicsy PHD type, carrying a clipboard a pen and a laser pointer. Sheila is an intelligent and possibly attractive woman.
Bruce: I've finally done it!
Sheila: Done what exactly?
B: Created a working theoretical model of the behavior of women towards me.
S: I think you may be approaching this the wrong way...
B: Wait wait hear me out on this one...
S: (Apprehensively) oooookay
Bruce motions as if to turn on an overhead projector, which cues the AV to display a slide behind him (Which I will putin the attachments section later). The slide contains an illustration of a rather complex looking potential function in which various regions are given particular labels "Apathetic", "Excited", "Angry", etc
B: In this model a woman exists in what I have labelled an "Emotional Potential Well" and example of which is given above: (he indicates with the laser)
Sheila looks slightly horrified
B: We assume that any given woman will behave as a particle confined within the "Emotional Potential Well" 
Slide changes to include several solutions to the Schrodinger equation for the previous a bonus for the 2% or less of the audience who actually think about these things the solutions shown will actually be real numerical solutions of the potential displayed.
    and that the probability a woman will be found in any particular emotional state is given by the square of the "Female Wavefunction" at that point...
S: (getting angry) You cannot possibly actually believe th...
B: The probability obviously changes if the woman is in an excited state.
S: (actually furious now) Women are human beings and to even think that you can just "model them" you...pig headed, sexist, stupid, ignorant etc etc etc (This reaction kind of needs some work)
B: (interrupting the tirade) Though the act of actually attempting to measure the emotional state does may have an effect of the observed outcome...
sheila slaps bruce and storms off
Bruce scrunches up the top bit of paper on the clipboard and throws it away
Bruce begins to scribble quickly and excitedly on the clipboard as he speaks
B: Assume that a given woman behaves as a Gaussian random variable.
lights fade