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Optimus & Sam

Sam & Optimus are on stage 

Sam: Thanks for meeting me here Optimus.

Optimus: It’s fine Sam, what’s wrong?

Sam: Well ever since I found out you were sentient, I’ve been meaning to apologise for a bunch of stuff. Like I’m sorry for bringing Mojo all the time and getting his dog hair in the upholstery

Optimus: It’s fine Sam.

Sam: And for denting your bumper whilst parking in the mall last year

Optimus: Accidents happen

Sam: And, well this, it’s kinda awkward but I feel it needs to be said, I feel awkward, I’m sure you feel awkward, so lets just get it out there. I’m sorry for having all that sex inside you.

Optimus: It’s fine Sam, we don’t need to talk about it.

Sam: No I’m sorry, I feel like I used you and you didn’t need to see that.

Optimus: Really Sam, it’s okay.

Sam: Okay cool.


Sam: I’m really, I mean you had no choice but to kind of just watch and wait it out

Optimus: Really Sam, it’s fine.


Optimus: How is Mikaela anyway?

Sam: She’s fine. We broke up yesterday though…

Optimus: Oh, so I guess what you did in me last week was break up sex, huh?

Sam: I guess…

Optimus: Well, well done Sam, you know you’ve really upped your game since we first met!

Sam: Well thanks – wait, what?

Optimus: Man I remember when you two first started seeing each other, you couldn’t figure out anything!

Sam: Well I don’t know about –

Optimus: I still remember your first time. ‘No, not there’, Mikaela would say. ‘You’re doing it wrong’ was another classic.

Sam: I don’t remember her saying that

Optimus: Oh I do, she said it a lot! I have it recorded if you want to see

Sam: No, no, that will be fine. Look Optimus, I have a date all set up so if you could just, you know (motions with his head for Optimus to leave)

Optimus: Oh! Yes of course I get you

[Smooth Jazz starts playing]

Sam: Uh, Optimus?

Optimus: Yeeees?

Sam: What’s that?

Optimus: That’s smooth jazz Sam

Sam: And why is it playing?

Optimus: I think it sets the mood

Sam: Well I don’t really want to listen to music right now

Optimus: Okay well then just press the off button

[Sam presses the off button but nothing happens. He tries again but still nothing]

Sam: Ah, Optimus? It’s not turning off.

Optimus: Oh, I guess that button must be broken, what a shame.

[Disco lights start]

Sam: Optimus what are those?

Optimus: Mood lights Sam

Sam: Dammit Optimus I don’t want mood lights, I don’t want mood Jazz, I just want a perfectly normal date, can you please just give me that?

Optimus: Fine.

Sam: Promise?

Optimus: I promise.

Sam: Good because here she comes.

[Girl enters]

Girl: Ready for our date Sam?

Sam: Sure am [looks at Optimus, Optimus gestures that everything is fine and won’t do anything] Perfect, lets go.

[Disco lights then start up as does the song ‘lets talk about sex baby’ or ‘sex machine’. Sam turns to look at Optimus angrily. Optimus stands there, and then starts dancing.]

Slow fade to black.