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Old Spice Man Gets Depression


A counsellor's room with DR COSTA at a computer and OLD SPICE MAN.

OLDS: Hello, Dr. Costa. Look at your waiting list, now back to me. Now back to your waiting list, now back to me. Sadly, I'm not on your waiting list. But if you stopped typing and started listening to me then you could help me, because I'm not feeling too good.

DRCO: Hello, Isaac. 

OLDS: It's Old Spice Man.

DRCO: Isaac, we've talked about this. 

OLDS: You smell like a lady.
DRCO: Isaac.
OLDS: Sorry.

DRCO: That's okay. So what brings you here today?

OLDS: I am sad. My wife has just left me.

DRCO: Do you have any idea why that might be?

OLDS: I don't know. I bought her ticket to that thing she likes.

DRCO: What is that thing?

OLDS: I don't know.

DRCO: So we're still having communication issues.

OLDS: Some things you don't need to communicate. Some things, a man just knows.

DRCO: When's her birthday?

OLDS: This man does not know. But, I've already bought her present. I got her diamonds.

DRCO: And where did you get them?

OLDS: From the tickets.

DRCO: Tickets don't make diamonds Isaac.

OLDS: Anything is possible when your man smells like old spice and not a lady.

DRCO: Isaac?

OLDS: I stole them.

DRCO: You can see why that's bad, right?

OLDS: Yes. I should have stolen more tickets. And diamonds.

DRCO: Isaac, you're not making the progress we need you to.

OLDS: I don't need a progress. Or a wife. I'm on a horse. (poses)

DRCO: You're not.

OLD SPICE MAN holds his pose

DRCO: Isaac? Isaac, I don't know what you're expecting to happen.

OLDS: Please help me.

DRCO: I'm going to refer you to a specialist.

OLDS: Will he make the visions stop?

DRCO: He will.

OLDS: Look down, now back up, your client is now scared.

DRCO: It's going to be okay Isaac. It's going to be okay.

OLD SPICE MAN whistles the Old Spice whistle

Lights down

"Hello ladies, look at your man, now back to me, now back to your man, now back to me.
Sadly, he isn't me, but if he stopped using lady scented body wash and switched to old spice, he could smell like he's me.
Look down, now back up, where are you? You're on a boat with the man your man could smell like.
What's in your hand? Now back to me. I have it, it's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love.
Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a lady.
I'm on a horse. *Whistle* "
Josh Pearse,
May 31, 2011, 3:38 AM