Show Archive‎ > ‎2011‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Modern Wizardry

A retailer dude is at a counter of some kind of technology store. A wizard dressed in full wizard regalia (hat/cloak/staff etc) walks in.

R – Do you need any help today sir?

W – That's wizard to you.

R – Um, okay, do you need any help today wizard?

W – I need a new staff.

R – A new staff?

W – Yes! For magic! A staff. It's getting too old you see. For magic!

R – I'm sorry sir,

W glares at R

R -  -wizard, but we don't sell staffs here.

W – What do you mean you don't sell staffs?

R – We sell technology products, like phones and computers.

W – No magic?

R – No.

W – Not even tall pieces of wood?

R – I'm afraid not.

W – Curses! I should curse you all. Give you the ol' lightning in the face. If only I had something to wizard with.

R – Actually, we did just get a new shipment of something that you might be after.

W – Staffs?

R – No.

W – Bah!

R – Let me check. (R looks under the table and brings up a box) We just got a new batch of, wands I think they're called, if you would like to have a look.

W – Wands? Is that some of that goblin crap?

R – Well the box says it's essentially a Staff 2.0. Oh look, it says you can perform magic with it, how about that? (R takes the wand out of the box)

W – Perform magic with it? But it's so tiny. How am I supposed to wizard with this?

R – Apparently it comes with an range of apps. Spells I think they're called.

W – No mighty tome of incantations?

R – No, you just wave it around in different patterns. It's proving to be quite popular overseas.

W – Wave it around? Bah! I bet elves made this. You know, I've never trusted them. No one is meant to have ears like that I say but what do you know, one minute you only see them in forests and the next minute they're everywhere!

R – Sir, (W glares at R) wizard, my best friend is an elf.

W – Did he give you these wand things to sell?

R – SHE, didn't give me anything.

W – Well you can't tell the difference with elves, can you?

R – Are you going to buy anything or not?

W – Fine, I'll buy one of these 'wands' that you keep harping on about. I need something to keep these fairies in check?

R – Excuse me?

W – Well I used my staff before. You know, fairies get on your lawn so you cast fireballs at them. Freeze the gnomes that steal your cabbages. Blow up hobbits for looking at you.

R – Sorry, but I can't sell this to you.

W – Why not?

R – Please get out before I call security.