INDIANA JONES AND THE LECTURE OF DOOM A LECTURER is alone on stage holding a textbook. <Normal lighting, but darker back of stage.> LECTURER: And if you turn to page 426 you will find that according to Robertson, the correct brush technique involves the use of a - (Indiana jones theme plays. Jones swings in, smacks the textbook out of the lecturer's hand) JONES: Shut it, nerd. Shut your nerd mouth. LECTURER: Who the blazes are you? JONES: Jones. Indiana Jones. I'm a real archaeologist. I'm taking over this class. LECTURER: (picking up textbook) I think you'll find I'm the predominant researcher in - (JONES smacks his book to the ground again) JONES: I'm sick of your nerd talk. What bullshit are you teaching these kids anyway? LECTURER: I was trying to teach them brush technique JONES: Aha, classic nerd talk. I'll show you brush technique. I'm the king of brush technique. Let me tell you a thing or two about brush technique. One time, I ripped a man's heart clean out from his chest. LECTURER: That's not - JONES: Yes, brush technique, a process I use every single day. For example, I shot a man who was holding a sword. Shot him right in the face. LECTURER: I feel you've misunderstood - JONES: He died you know. He's dead now. LECTURER: That's fascinating Dr. Jones. I'm trying to teach a cla- JONES: I blew up an Ancient city once. LECTURER: Did you? I suppose you’d like to tell us about that - JONES: I’d like to tell you, but I’d have to kill you. LECTURER: Oh, what a shame. JONES: No, I’ll still tell you. I’m just going to have to kill you. LECTURER: That doesn’t seem - JONES: So, I was in the lost city of Atlantis - LECTURER: Atlantis doesn’t exist - JONES: Not anymore it doesn’t. I blew it up. LECTURER: What!? You’re supposed to be an archaeologist! JONES: Don’t worry - I saved my hat. LECTURER: What about the people of Atlantis? JONES: They did nothing to save my hat. LECTURER: Are you an actual archaeologist or are you just an insane serial killer? JONES: Let me answer your question with another question, do you know how it feels to have cold steel tear through your body? LECTURER: I .. I don't - JONES: Me neither, let's find out! (draws gun) LECTURER: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? JONES: I'M TRYING TO TEACH THEM BRUSH TECHNIQUE! Hold still. LECTURER: YOU’RE MENTAL. YOU ARE ACTUALLY MENTAL. JONES: IF I’M SO CRAZY THEN WHY AM I HOLDING A GUN IN YOUR FACE! LECTURER: YOU ARE CONFUSING BRUSH TECHNIQUE WITH MURDER JONES: DUN DUN DA DA DUN DUN DAAA LECTURER: I’M GENUINELY REALLY REALLY SCARED RIGHT NOW JONES: DUN DUN DUN DA! LECTURER: (still terrified) OKAY CLASS, THAT’S BRUSH TECHNIQUE. STUDY UP AND FOR GOD’S SAKE HUG YOUR FAMILIES. <Black> End. |
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