Show Archive‎ > ‎2011‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

I just can't understand women


(SAM and JAMES are sitting at a cafe table.)

JAMES: So what happened?

SAM: She broke up with me.

JAMES: I'm sorry.

SAM: I just can't understand women.

JAMES: Amen. I don't get them either. They want you to be tough, they want you to be sensitive, they want you to be a clown. I just don't know what they want.

SAM: No no, I mean I wish I knew what they actually were saying to me.

JAMES: Yeah, like they tell you one thing, but they want another. I mean, make up your mind right? Like my girlfriend just-

SAM: No no. I actually can't understand what women are saying. I can't tell if they're asking me to pass the salt, or if they're asking me how I'm going or even if they're saying-

(SALLY the waitress enters)


SAM: Yes please.

SALLY: Uh, did you want to hear the specials?

SAM: Good thank you. Just waffles please, with maple syrup, nothing else thank you.

SALLY: We don't serve waffles, sir.

SAM: Why yes, I would like to hear your specials!

SALLY: Um, sir...

SAM: Oh. It's quarter past nine. 

SALLY: I'm sorry?

JAMES: Two coffees and two cheese omlettes, please.

SALLY: Right. Two coffees, two omlettes. That'll be 15 minutes. 

SAM: I love that show!

(SALLY leaves.)

JAMES: Holy shit.

SAM: What was she saying?

JAMES: It's fine. It's fine. It doesn't matter. How is this even possible?

SAM: I think I have something wrong in my brain.

JAMES: Have you seen a doctor about it?

SAM: I can't get past the receptionists.

JAMES: Jesus. How do you get on?

SAM: For a time I used an accent so it would seem like I was European, but that just seemed to attract more women.

JAMES: You were with Jessica for 6 months! How is that even possible?

SAM: Well, I asked her out on the first date, obviously, and from then on I spent most of my time nodding and saying yes.

JAMES: And you don't know why she broke up with you?

SAM: It was something do with clothes or something, or, I don't know.

JAMES: Did she ask you if she looked fat?

SAM: I don't know! Do they do that? Why would they do that? Who would tell them they're fat?

JAMES: Well you apparently.

(HAYLEY enters the cafe.)

HAYLEY: [from afar] Hey!

SAM: Who's that?

JAMES: That's my new girlfriend. Just play cool. I'll tell her you don't speak English. 

HAYLEY : Hi, I'm Hayley. You must be Sam. I've heard a lot about you.

SAM: Yes, that's me. I've heard a lot about you too. 'Hayley' was it?

HAYLEY: That's me! I'll be right back. I need to use the bathroom.

[HAYLEY exits.]

JAMES: What!? I thought you couldn't understand women!

SAM: I can't. 

(Long, horrified reaction as James slowly realises why Sam could understand Hayley.)

JAMES: Sooooooo....

(They pack their things and leave.)

Lights down


JAMES: That's my new girlfriend. Just play cool. I'll tell her you don't speak English.

SAM: She's some catch!

JAMES: Yeah, I'm a bit of a lady killer.

(HAYLEY nears. JAMES strangles her.)

Light down.
Josh Pearse,
Jun 12, 2011, 6:41 AM