I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN (SAM and JAMES are sitting at a cafe table.) JAMES: So what happened? SAM: She broke up with me. JAMES: I'm sorry. SAM: I just can't understand women. JAMES: Amen. I don't get them either. They want you to be tough, they want you to be sensitive, they want you to be a clown. I just don't know what they want. SAM: No no, I mean I wish I knew what they actually were saying to me. JAMES: Yeah, like they tell you one thing, but they want another. I mean, make up your mind right? Like my girlfriend just- SAM: No no. I actually can't understand what women are saying. I can't tell if they're asking me to pass the salt, or if they're asking me how I'm going or even if they're saying- (SALLY the waitress enters) SALLY: Hi. SAM: Yes please. SALLY: Uh, did you want to hear the specials? SAM: Good thank you. Just waffles please, with maple syrup, nothing else thank you. SALLY: We don't serve waffles, sir. SAM: Why yes, I would like to hear your specials! SALLY: Um, sir... SAM: Oh. It's quarter past nine. SALLY: I'm sorry? JAMES: Two coffees and two cheese omlettes, please. SALLY: Right. Two coffees, two omlettes. That'll be 15 minutes. SAM: I love that show! (SALLY leaves.) JAMES: Holy shit. SAM: What was she saying? JAMES: It's fine. It's fine. It doesn't matter. How is this even possible? SAM: I think I have something wrong in my brain. JAMES: Have you seen a doctor about it? SAM: I can't get past the receptionists. JAMES: Jesus. How do you get on? SAM: For a time I used an accent so it would seem like I was European, but that just seemed to attract more women. JAMES: You were with Jessica for 6 months! How is that even possible? SAM: Well, I asked her out on the first date, obviously, and from then on I spent most of my time nodding and saying yes. JAMES: And you don't know why she broke up with you? SAM: It was something do with clothes or something, or, I don't know. JAMES: Did she ask you if she looked fat? SAM: I don't know! Do they do that? Why would they do that? Who would tell them they're fat? JAMES: Well you apparently. (HAYLEY enters the cafe.) HAYLEY: [from afar] Hey! SAM: Who's that? JAMES: That's my new girlfriend. Just play cool. I'll tell her you don't speak English. HAYLEY : Hi, I'm Hayley. You must be Sam. I've heard a lot about you. SAM: Yes, that's me. I've heard a lot about you too. 'Hayley' was it? HAYLEY: That's me! I'll be right back. I need to use the bathroom. [HAYLEY exits.] JAMES: What!? I thought you couldn't understand women! SAM: I can't. (Long, horrified reaction as James slowly realises why Sam could understand Hayley.) JAMES: Sooooooo.... (They pack their things and leave.) Lights down ALT JAMES: That's my new girlfriend. Just play cool. I'll tell her you don't speak English. SAM: She's some catch! JAMES: Yeah, I'm a bit of a lady killer. (HAYLEY nears. JAMES strangles her.) Light down. |
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