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How to run a company


Executive ACE, BEN, CAS, BRIAN, DAN and EDD are sitting at the table. ACE and BEN are on opposite sides. The CEO is standing at the head. This is the most enthusiastic meeting room since energization met powertude.

CEO: Alright, let's get started, let's go, okay. Looking at the year so far, what have we done? First thing, we made lots of money!

(ALL): Yeah!

ACE: (To BEN) High five!

BEN: (High fives) Alright!

CEO: Ok! Shut your traps. The second thing. Now as you should be aware, we were trying to knock out Omnicorp this year, well I hope you're aware, because you work here!

CEO pulls the best face like he's told the funniest joke in the world, EXECUTIVES laugh like it is genuninely the funniest joke in the world
CEO: Anyway, we smashed them to pieces!

(ALL): Yeah!

ACE: High five!

BEN: Alright!

CEO: I guess those puppies will have to find a new home.

Everyone laughs

CAS: (While all are dying down from laughing) Hahaha, puppies, what do they even do? 

All continue laughing

CEO: On a darker note however, some things didn't go so well. Brian got a terrible haircut! Remember that? 

All laugh, CEO points at BRIAN and laughs harder, BRIAN nods

DAN: (As laughter is dying down) Hahahaha, it was awful! Hahahaha.

CEO: But seriously, this year saw a decline in employee satisfaction (no reaction whatsoever) as well as (pause) employee satisfaction with the executive. (EXECUTIVE go into angry outbursts) Nevertheless, we need to think of ideas to improve our relationship with our employees. Brainstorm!

EDD: (Immediately) I say we just set fire to the whole lot of them.

CEO: And replace them what?

EDD: Robots.

CEO: Nice, but we don't have the technology. Yet. (to everyone else) Go!

ACE: Synergy! 

CEO: (Pointing to ACE) Payrise!

ACE: Alright!

CEO: What else?

BEN: We could have a fair! There could be a ferris wheel, fairy floss, I'll set up a kissing booth.

CEO: No, too impractical.

DAN: Okay, just the kissing booth.

CEO: New ideas! Go!

DAN: I'm serious. I'll do it for free.

BEN: I've got it! We can make a music video and show it to the peasants...

CEO: Wait, did you just call our employees peasants?

BEN: Yes?

CEO: I like it. Continue.

BEN: Well, think about it. We have us singing an awesome song about how awesome we all are and then when people watch it they'll realise that we're awesome.

CEO: Yes!

ACE: And we could be in space, with lasers everywhere and then we fight a space monster and we're all like 'Get out of my galaxy' and it's all like 'blargharghblorga'.

CEO: I like it!

BRI: I can rap!

CEO: We'll hire a rapper!

DAN: There could be this huge guitar solo and we can all play guitar and fireworks shoot out of them.

CEO: Yes, yes, yes! I love it! But there's something missing. I just can't pinpoint what it is.

All think hard

CAS: Wait, why don't we just get to know our employees and see what they want for a positive workplace?

Pause: they all consider this for a few moments

EDD: I've got it. Dinosaurs with miniguns.

CEO: Done.

Lights down

Josh Pearse,
May 31, 2011, 3:13 AM