HERMIONE'S A WITCH

[HARRY, HERMIONE and RON are studying] [Later FRED, DUMBLEDORE, NEVILLE] <Normal lights>

RON: Fuck this. Who needs to study for exams anyway. I'm getting a butterbeer.

HERMIONE: Ronald Weasley sit down.

RON: Yes Hermione.

HERMIONE: Honestly Ron, I don't know how you think we are ever going to become professional witches and wizards if we don't study?

[HARRY and RON look at each other and burst out laughing]

HERMIONE: I'm not joking!

HARRY: Pull the other leg Hermione! Professional witches?

RON: Everyone knows witches aren't real Hermione. We killed them all in the 13th century.

HERMIONE: Don't be daft, Ron. I'M a witch.

[HARRY and RON look at each other and burst out laughing]

HARRY: You can't be a witch, Hermione.

RON: We've known you since you were eleven.

HARRY: Yeah, if you were a witch we'd have lynched you by now!

HERMIONE: Oh for goodness...*sigh*. Accio book! See? Witch. Now will you both stop being twits and get back to work?

[HARRY and RON look at each other and start screaming]

RON: Hermione's a witch! She's a witch Harry! 

BOTH: OH GOD, I KISSED A WITCH.

RON: What?

HARRY: We should tell someone! Fred!

FRED: Yes?

RON: Hermione's a witch!

FRED: I very much doubt that Ron.

HARRY [producing HERMIONE's broomstick]: She has this broomstick!

HERMIONE: You all have broomsticks!

RON: Probably for flying around on!

HARRY: That's a thing witches do!

(beat)

[ALL SCREAM]

FRED: She's gonna turn us all into toads!

HARRY: She turned Neville's rat into a toad!

HERMIONE: Neville's always had a toad!

NEVILLE: Has anyone seen my rat?

RON: Hermione turned it into a toad!

NEVILLE: That can't be right, that would mean Hermione's a - 

(beat)

[ALL SCREAM]

NEVILLE: We need to get the headmaster!

HARRY: Professor Dumbledore!

DUMBLEDORE: By my ridiculous beard, Mr Potter. What is it you want now?

HARRY: Hermione's a witch!

[ALL SCREAM]

HERMIONE: Oh my god.

RON: BLASPHEMY.

HARRY: WITCH.

[ALL SCREAM]

HERMIONE: Witches are a perfectly natural thing around here you great big sodding idiots. This is Hogwarts school of WITCHcraft and Wizardry!

DUMBLEDORE: How dare you insult the fine name of Hogwarts school of Woodcraft and Wizardry!

HERMIONE: School of what?

DUMBLEDORE: Serverus, I need a witch testing potion in study hall quick smart.

HERMIONE: Witch testing potion?

[ALL SCREAM]

[SNAPE runs on stage and throws a bucket of water on HERMIONE. Leaves.]

DUMBLEDORE: Now to see if she melts!

RON: Doesn't look like she's melting.

HERMIONE: Of course I'm not melting you bloody idiot.

DUMBLEDORE: But that could only mean one thing - Serverus, I need a muggle testing potion in the study hall quick smart.

[SNAPE runs on stage and throws a bucket of water on HERMIONE. Leaves.]

DUMBLEDORE: Now to see if she doesn't melt!

HARRY: Doesn't look like she's melting.

DUMBLEDORE: Then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, Miss Granger.

HERMIONE: What?

DUMBLEDORE: We don't allow muggles at Hogwarts.

HERMIONE: I'm not a muggle and I have magic exams tomorrow!

DUMBLEDORE: I see no harm in the muggle taking a crack at the magic exam. Serverus!

[SNAPE runs on stage and throws a bucket of water on HERMIONE]

SNAPE: It doesn't look like she's melting, sir.

DUMBLEDORE: Then she's passed her magic exams!

[EVERYONE cheers]

NEVILLE: But Hermione can't possibly have passed her magic exams, that would mean she's a -

[ALL SCREAM]

<Black>