HERMIONE'S A WITCH [HARRY, HERMIONE and RON are studying] [Later FRED, DUMBLEDORE, NEVILLE] <Normal lights> RON: Fuck this. Who needs to study for exams anyway. I'm getting a butterbeer. HERMIONE: Ronald Weasley sit down. RON: Yes Hermione. HERMIONE: Honestly Ron, I don't know how you think we are ever going to become professional witches and wizards if we don't study? [HARRY and RON look at each other and burst out laughing] HERMIONE: I'm not joking! HARRY: Pull the other leg Hermione! Professional witches? RON: Everyone knows witches aren't real Hermione. We killed them all in the 13th century. HERMIONE: Don't be daft, Ron. I'M a witch. [HARRY and RON look at each other and burst out laughing] HARRY: You can't be a witch, Hermione. RON: We've known you since you were eleven. HARRY: Yeah, if you were a witch we'd have lynched you by now! HERMIONE: Oh for goodness...*sigh*. Accio book! See? Witch. Now will you both stop being twits and get back to work? [HARRY and RON look at each other and start screaming] RON: Hermione's a witch! She's a witch Harry! BOTH: OH GOD, I KISSED A WITCH. RON: What? HARRY: We should tell someone! Fred! FRED: Yes? RON: Hermione's a witch! FRED: I very much doubt that Ron. HARRY [producing HERMIONE's broomstick]: She has this broomstick! HERMIONE: You all have broomsticks! RON: Probably for flying around on! HARRY: That's a thing witches do! (beat) [ALL SCREAM] FRED: She's gonna turn us all into toads! HARRY: She turned Neville's rat into a toad! HERMIONE: Neville's always had a toad! NEVILLE: Has anyone seen my rat? RON: Hermione turned it into a toad! NEVILLE: That can't be right, that would mean Hermione's a - (beat) [ALL SCREAM] NEVILLE: We need to get the headmaster! HARRY: Professor Dumbledore! DUMBLEDORE: By my ridiculous beard, Mr Potter. What is it you want now? HARRY: Hermione's a witch! [ALL SCREAM] HERMIONE: Oh my god. RON: BLASPHEMY. HARRY: WITCH. [ALL SCREAM] HERMIONE: Witches are a perfectly natural thing around here you great big sodding idiots. This is Hogwarts school of WITCHcraft and Wizardry! DUMBLEDORE: How dare you insult the fine name of Hogwarts school of Woodcraft and Wizardry! HERMIONE: School of what? DUMBLEDORE: Serverus, I need a witch testing potion in study hall quick smart. HERMIONE: Witch testing potion? [ALL SCREAM] [SNAPE runs on stage and throws a bucket of water on HERMIONE. Leaves.] DUMBLEDORE: Now to see if she melts! RON: Doesn't look like she's melting. HERMIONE: Of course I'm not melting you bloody idiot. DUMBLEDORE: But that could only mean one thing - Serverus, I need a muggle testing potion in the study hall quick smart. [SNAPE runs on stage and throws a bucket of water on HERMIONE. Leaves.] DUMBLEDORE: Now to see if she doesn't melt! HARRY: Doesn't look like she's melting. DUMBLEDORE: Then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, Miss Granger. HERMIONE: What? DUMBLEDORE: We don't allow muggles at Hogwarts. HERMIONE: I'm not a muggle and I have magic exams tomorrow! DUMBLEDORE: I see no harm in the muggle taking a crack at the magic exam. Serverus! [SNAPE runs on stage and throws a bucket of water on HERMIONE] SNAPE: It doesn't look like she's melting, sir. DUMBLEDORE: Then she's passed her magic exams! [EVERYONE cheers] NEVILLE: But Hermione can't possibly have passed her magic exams, that would mean she's a - [ALL SCREAM] <Black> |