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Extreme Tech Support

[ALEX sits at his desk in an office with a computer and laptop. He calls a CLERK)

CLERK (voiceover): Hello, tech support. What seems to be the problem?

ALEX: Uh, hi, I think my computer’s got a virus. Norton Firewall said something about an infection, and I was wondering if you send someone down to check it out?

CLERK: Sounds serious. I’d better send down Tech Squad Alpha. They’ll be with you soon.

ALEX: Okay, thanks.

[ding dong]

ALEX: One second, I’ll -

[SARGE kicks down the door. The door falls in. SARGE, DOC and RHINO run in]

SARGE: What’s the situation?

ALEX: Who are you?

SARGE: They call me Sarge. Tech Squad Alpha, ready for action. What’s the problem here?

ALEX: I think my laptop’s got a virus –

SARGE: Rhino.

RHINO: [shoots laptop]

ALEX: What the hell?

SARGE: Damnit boy, it was already dead! Doc! Check the main disk. We’ve got to know if the infection’s already spread.

DOC: [runs over to the main computer, starts typing]

ALEX: [points to laptop] Can I retrieve my files from the hard drive?

SARGE: No can do, kiddo. We need to send that one down to the lab for autopsy.

DOC: Looks like we’ve got a problem boss. The virus has made contact with the mainframe. If we don’t cleanse this laptop, it could spread onto the corporate intranet and take down the entire company.

SARGE: Shit. How long do we have?

DOC: I give it 60 seconds.

SARGE: Then we’ll have to move fast.

DOC: The firewall’s breaking down.

RHINO: Should I get more kindling?

DOC: We don’t have any time. I’m going in.

ALEX: Do you guys know what you’re doing? Are you sure that’s right?

SARGE: [slaps Alex] Damnit boy, we fought in Year 2000 Bug War. Don’t ask me what I’m doing. When you’re out there in the forests, bugs everywhere, there is no right or wrong. Just men, bugs and bullets.

RHINO: It’s okay, Sarge. We all face the Blue Screen one day.

DOC: Damnit, it’s frozen!

RHINO: Should I get the flamethrower?

DOC: No time. [gasp] Shit! Trojan detected!

SARGE: The Greeks are already here!

RHINO: Get down! [lobs grenade off stage. It explodes] CONTROL ALT DELETE, MOTHERFUCKER!

SARGE: That ought to buy us some time.

ALEX: How is this helping?

SARGE: Sorry, we’re just going to put you on hold. [puts iPod on desk which starts to play Muzak. They all run out. Pause for a minute. Run back in. SARGE shoots the iPod.] We’re back. Doc?

DOC: Fourty seconds. I’m gonna perform an emergency operation procedure. Javascript injection?

RHINO: Check.

DOC: Analogue screwdriver?

RHINO: Check

DOC: Nerdier glasses?

RHINO: Check

ALEX: What are you going to do?

DOC: I’m going to recalibrate the internal clock speed to bypass the I/O rate, then install a recursive algorithm to refactor the kernel and convert the zeros into ones. [unholsters gun, presses the off button. Presses the on button.]

ALEX: You’re just turning it off and then on again!

SARGE: Just like he just said he would!

DOC: Damnit, the button is jammed!

RHINO: We don’t have time for this! [shoots the computer] Control alt delete.

ALEX: You blew up my computer!

RHINO: You’re welcome.

SARGE: Good job, boys. Another attack repelled. Drinks are on me.

ALEX: I don’t know what just happened.

SARGE: Justice. Justice happened. We’ll be leaving. [Windows XP logoff noise plays]