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Cluedo Rewrite V2.0

DETECTIVE interviews MRS WHITE (middle agedish, religious).

DET:    Ok, let’s go through this one more time. You were in the dining hall with two other members of the party, when you heard a scream and a crash and you came running to find this poor man dead. Is that correct?

WHI:    Yes, that’s right. I was telling the others about the canapés and then BANG. All hell broke loose. We had a holy man at the dinner table, so he saw to the soul of the departed.

DET:     A priest?

WHI:     Reverend. A dear old friend of mine.

DET:     I see. Additionally, it appears that the death was the result of blunt force trauma, likely the result of some kind of heavy object, wielded by someone with a fair deal of upper body strength. Do you have any such objects lying around the house?
WHI:     No more than is usual. 

DET:     Thankyou – can you send in the next witness please?

WHITE exits – COLONEL MUSTARD enters, his back to the audience.

DET:     Ah, Colonel Mustard. Take a seat.

He sits

DET:    You were in the lounge at the time of the murder?

COL:    I was indeed.

DET:     And did you have any conspicuous objects with you? Anything heavy?

COL:     Well, there was a…

MISS SCARLET runs into the room, brandishing a rope.

SCA:    He used this! He definitely used this.

DET:    Um… what are you doing?

SCA:     I’m helping you with this case. I suspect him – Colonel Mustard, with the rope, in the lounge!

DET:     Miss Scarlet, calm down. For one thing, the body is here in the library, and furthermore, the cause of death was blunt force trauma – there was no rope involved. 

SCA:    Oh. Well, I suppose we can rule that out.

DET:     At any rate, I’m the detective here. Colonel, could you please send in the next witness? Also, could someone please tell me what possible weapons could have been used?

PROFESSOR PLUM enters, arms filled with weaponry

PLU:     I went looking for those weapons you were talking about, Detective. We’ve got revolver, candlestick, wrench, knife and pipe. There was a rope as well, but I figured it wasn’t exactly conducive with the parameters of your description. 

DET:     Yes… Miss Scarlet already brought us the rope.

PLU:     Well well, isn’t that suspicious. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it, Detective?

DET:     Wonder what?

PLU:     How did she know where to find the rope?

SCA:    What are you insinuating, you stuck up old…

PLU:     She is the murderer! Yes! With the rope!


PLU:     Oh… oh yeah… he pulls out a piece of paper, making notes

DET:     What are you doing?

PLU:     Just taking note of the fact that the rope definitely ISN’T the weapon in question. 

DET:     Why? It’s obvious, isn’t it?

PLU:     …seemed like a good idea. He stows the paper away.

DET:     Can someone please send in the next witness? Why is it taking so long?

REVEREND GREEN and MISS PEACOCK enter. MISS PEACOCK is covered in blood and has a bloodied wrench tucked into the back of her pants/belt/something

DET:     Ah, finally. Now, can you tell me whe… he turns to realise PEACOCK

DET:     Miss Peacock. Why are you covered in blood?

PEA:     Terrible nosebleed.

DET:     And… is that the murder weapon behind your back?

PEA:    It’s a weapon. You have no way of linking it to the body though. I’m pretty much in the clear here.

DET:     Let me just run through the situation here. We have a victim with blunt force trauma to the head caused by a blunt heavy instrument. We have you, covered in blood and holding a wrench. 

PEA:    All rather circumstantial, wouldn’t you say? The others all nod in agreement.

GRE:    She does have a point, Detective.

DET:     How can any of you possibly operate under the assumption that she’s innocent? It had to be one of you, and she’s covered in blood.

GRE:    Yes, but in the absence of a confession, really there’s no case here.

DET:     Oh, so we have to just keep guessing, do we? Or is there some neat little envelope lying around here somewhere that’s going to sum up the case for me?

GRE:    Well, yes. It’s over there. He points to a giant Cluedo envelope sitting on the side of the stage on a bench of some sort.

DET:     Are you telling me that the entire four hours I’ve been here interrogating you all, there was a signed confession note from the killer lying there the whole time?

SCA:    You didn’t know?

DET:     Give it to me.

PLU:     No.

DET:     Why not?

PEA:     Because that’s not how it works.

DET:     Not how it… is this all a game to you?

GRE:    Well, yeah.

DET:     You’re all insane! He rushes for the envelope, everyone else runs to stop him.

PLU:     No! You can’t do this! It’s against the rules!

SCA:     You can’t read the confession until after you’ve caught the murderer!

DET:     THAT’S THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF HOW A CONFESSION WORKS! He reaches the envelope, tears it open, reads the contents.

DET:     Ha! I knew it! It was Miss Peacock in the library with the wrench!


SCA:    You idiot! You’ve ruined it for everyone! She grabs one of the weapons off the table and beats the DETECTIVE over the head with it. Everyone gasps.

GRE:    It was Miss Scarlet in the library with the candlestick!

SCA:    Oh be quiet. I haven’t even written my confession yet.


SCA:     You idiot! You’ve ruined it for everyone!

GRE:    Well, we clearly can’t play this anymore. He pulls out a noose. Anyone up for Hangman?