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Cluedo Rewrite

Mustard, Peacock, Scarlett, White, Professor Plum & Reverend Green are standing in a dining room when Detective walks in
Peacock: Oh thank god you're here Detective
Scarlett: There has been a horrible murder
Detective: I know, Dr. Black is dead and I came as quick as I could in the name of justice. Now where is the body?
Plum: You have to guess.
Detective: I'm sorry what?
Plum: You have to guess.
Detective: Yes no I heard that. Why?
Green: Because those are the rules
Scarlett: And without riles we would just be a pack of murderers
White: Plus guessing makes the evening so much more fun
Mustard: Mustard
Detective: I'm sorry, a pack of murderers? Are you saying you did this?
Plum: YES!
Green: I like him, he's cottoned on far quicker than the others
Detective: Others? This happens often?
White: Well of course! Playing poker on a Friday evening just got so boring after a while so we thought what better way to spice up our incredibly wealthy lives than a weekly murder mystery!
Peacock, Green, Scarlett & Plum: OOOOOOOOO
Mustard: Mustard
Scarlett: But murder isn't all its cracked up to be.
Green: No the real fun begins when the detective arrives to guess the clues!
Detective: I don't guess, I use evidence! Now I want you crazy crackpots to tell me where he was killed, what the murder weapon was and who the damn murderer was!
Peacock: Well you have 324 distinct possibilities.
Plum: I suggest you start with the room. Now there are 9 rooms. You have the conservatorium, the library, the kitchen...
Detective: ARGH!!!
(Detective storms off stage)
Plum: (counting on his hands) The billiard room, the kitchen...
Detective: (offstage) I've found Dr. Black's corpse in the library
(All applaud. Detective comes back on stage)
Scarlett: Bravo
Plum: Well done old chap
Green: Quickest yet
Mustard: Mustard
Peacock: Now to find the weapon
Plum: Yes. Now you have 6 options.
Detective: God damn you and your options! My name is Clueso not Cluedo!
Green: Well you have a spanner, a candlestick, a revolver...
White: Don't forget the lead pipe
Green: Of course a lead pipe, a dagger and a rope.
Detective: Well given your penchant for absurdity as well as the candlestick shaped hole in his head I am DEDUCING BY FACTUAL EVIDENCE that the weapon was a candlestick
Plum: (slow clap) Bravo. Bravo.
Scarlett: I say he is much smarter than that Sherlock fellow
Plum: And definately better than that CSI Miami chump
Peacock: Yes he never tried to solve the case, he just said stupid things.
Detective: Now which one of you is guilty? I'm fed up of playing your stupid game, I could have you all arrested. Now tell me who did or I'll interrogate each and everyone of you until you snap and break down crying and spill truth tears from your eyes!
White: Oh we don't know. Only the contents of this envelope know.
Detective: What?
White: Oh yes at the start of each mystery we pop down who did it, where they did it and what they killed with and place it in a sealed envelope so that nobody knows...and then we start guessing!
Detective: You mean to say that a sealed confession has been here all along and you people made me waste my time whilst you slowly drove me insane?
White: Yes.
Green: I suppose we did.
Plum: That sounds about right old chap
Mustard: Mustard
Detective: ARGH!!!
(Detective pulls out a revolver and shoots Mrs. White)
Green: It was the detective in the dining room with a revolver
Detective: ARGH!!!
(Detective shoots Green)
Peacock: It was-
Detective: (points his gun at Miss Peacock) JUST TRY IT! I DARE YOU PEACOCK!
Detective: (opening envelope) NOW MY EVIDENCE has concluded that Mr. Black was murdered by Mrs. White with the candlestick in the library.
Peacock: Bravo Detective!
Plum: What a rollicking balderdask of an evening!
Scarlett: I say, best yet!
Detective: Well the case is closed, and if I ever have to come out here again and you people put me through your sherades again I will shoot you. I will shoot you all right in the face with my revolver of deduction you crazed pack of cantankerous couch owners
Peacock: Sounds delicious. Bye Detective, see you next soon!
(Detective leaves)
Plum: Excellent. Just excellent. Now whose up for a game of genocide?
Mustard: Mustard!
Lights out