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*Captain Planet, Climate Skeptic

CAPTAIN PLANET, CLIMATE SKEPTIC

Five people on stage are dressed as climate scientists. <Light only the five Planeteers, rest of stage in half luminance>

Kwame: Status Report.
Linka: Air pollution levels are trapping 30% more solar heat than yesterday.
Wheeler: As of 12:01 today, six of the continents have been affected by severe drought.
Ma-Ti: We just lost Europe.
Wheeler: Make that seven.
Gi: Scanner isn't picking up any ice-caps.
Ma-Ti: You mean...
Gi: Yes. They're all gone.
Kwame: By my calculations...my god. The earth is about to hit irrevessible global warming!
Ma-Ti: Then there’s only one thing we can do.

The five remove their cloaks to reveal themselves as the planeteers. <Normal lighting>

Kwame: Earth! <A colour each?>
Wheeler: Fire!
Linka: Wind!
Gi: Water!
Ma-ti: Heart!
All: GO PLANET!

<Spots on Planet/flashing colours>

Planet: By your powers combined I am Captain Planet!

Captain Planet enters.
All: Captain Planet!
Planet: Planeteers!
Linka: Captain! The planet is in crisis!
Planet: My god. What's the problem?
Wheeler: The climate!
Gi: It's changing!
Planet: Are you sure?
Kwame: Look at these graphs and figures.
Planet: Hmm, nothing abnormal here.
Kwame: What? How can you ignore the obvious changes in the earth's climate?
Planet: Oh you crazy kids. The earth's climate is always changing!
Linka: Captain, please! The hole in the ozone layer is expanding at incredible speed!
Planet (looking at the sky): Seems fine to me.
Gi: Sea levels are increasing by twenty centimeters a second!
Planet: Sounds like the tide is coming in!
Wheeler: We just hit planet surface temperature of fifty-five degrees Celsius!
Planet: Actually, I think it’s gotten chillier since I arrived. Could any of you fetch me a jacket?
Ma-Ti: THE WORLD IS ALMOST OUT OF LOVE.
(beat)
Planet: Shut up, Ma-ti.
Kwame: Just take a look at THIS.
Captain Planet carefully browses the new report.
Planet: Oh. oh. Sweet jesus.
Kwame: Mmhmm.
Linka: Captain, do something!
Gi: Captain we need you!
Planet becomes noticably nervous.
Wheeler: Come on captain!
Kwame: Use your super powers!
Ma-ti: Captain Planet! Hurry!
Planet: I, er, I, what, um... (Slaps Ma-ti). Um...the power is yours!
Kwame: What?!
Planet (running off stage): The power is yours! The power is yours!
Pause. 
<Sirens begin to sound>
Linka: We’re all going to die.

The Planeteers seek comfort in each others arms.
<Slow, awkward fade to black. Suddenly, sirens stop, lights back up.> 
Band plays Captain Planet after school special music.

Kwame: Climate change is a very real thing.
Gi: And it’s happening right now.
Wheeler: It’s up to us to do something.
Linka: So buy a hybrid car.
Ma-ti: Introduce an emissions trading scheme.
Planet: Or punch a climate change skeptic right in the dick.

Ma-ti goes to punch Planet in the dick, but Planet punches Ma-ti first.

Planet: Whatever you do kids, remember-
All: The power is yours!


<Fade to black>
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