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Captain Jack Sparrow rewrite

A MANAGER sits at a desk.

M – Jack!


M – Take a seat.

JACK sits.

M – Well, as you know, today is your performance appraisal.  You’ve been working here at Hungry Jacks for the full three months probationary period, and during this time, we’ve-

J - …been impressed with my dedication and drive?

M - … Received an unusual number of complaints about the irregularity of your conduct.

J – Ah?

M – Indeed. 

(reads from a sheet of paper)

M – Trying to seduce the customers …

J – Not sure I deserve that.

M – Jack, you’ve been slapped on the cheek twice in the last week alone.

J – … okay, I may have deserved that.

M – One customer says that you stole some of her chips …

J – Borrowed.  Borrowed without permission, but with every intention of giving them back.

M – … and it hasn’t escaped our notice that you’ve been dipping your fingers in the till of an afternoon …

J – (indicates to himself) Pirate.

M – … and David says you’ve been going through his locker.  Would you like to defend this charge?

J – Davy Jones?  That squid-man’s been pilfering my effects!

M – Language, Jack!  We don’t tolerate racism here.  He’s not a squid-man he’s a maori.

J – Captain.

M – What?

J – It’s Captain Jack, if you please.

M – And that’s another thing: this whole ego-trip you have going on.  A degree of eccentricity can be tolerated, but when you greet customers it’s “Welcome to Hungry Jack’s”.  Four words: “Welcome to Hungry Jack’s”.  That is all you are supposed to say.  Not “Welcome to Captain Jack’s”, or “Hungry Captain Jack’s Burger House”-

J – I never actually…

M – … or “Welcome to the Caribbean, love”, and especially not “Welcome to Hungry Jack’s, where the drink will not satisfy and the food will turn to ash in your mouth”.  What kind of an impression do you think that makes?  And speaking of, when a customer places an order, what are you expected to say?

J – “…”

M – (prompting)  “W…”

J – “W…”

M – (unison) “Would you like fries with that?”

J – (unison) “Would you like rum with that?”

M – Jack!

J – Is that not what I said?

M – How can you think it is appropriate to ask a seven-year-old child whether he would like hard alcohol with his Kids’ Value Meal?

J – Hey, that young scoundrel seemed mighty keen on the idea.

M – Where would you even get it from?  We don’t have rum on the premises.

J – Why is the rum gone?

M – There never was any!

J – Why is the rum always gone?

M - I mean, did you even look at the Employees Rulebook that we gave you when you started?

J – Figured it was more like guidelines, really.

M – Not to mention basic OH&S!

J – Look, the only rules that really matter are these:  what a man can do, and what a man can’t do.  For instance, you can accept that I’m a light-fingered thief and a good employee, or you can’t.  But I’m going to keep doing it, and you’re going to have to square with that one day.  And me, for example-

M – (slowly shakes head) You are without a doubt the worst employee I’ve ever heard of.

J – Ah, but you have heard of me.

M – How did you even get this job?

J – I waded out into the shallows and waited there three days and three nights ‘til all manner of sea creature ‘came acclimated to my presence.  Then, on the fourth day-

M – Jack?

J – Mm?

M – You’re fired.

J – Parlay?