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Bozo the Not-Clown


BOZO is dressed in business clothes and is slowly creeping across a dark stage. The spotlight follows him. As he reaches the center of the stage, a light switch is flicked and the lights go up, revealing a living room. There are two chairs which swivel around to reveal his parents, NOODLE (mother) and SCRAPPY (father), who are petting balloon animals.

CHAR: Where do you think you're going, Bozo?

BOZO: To clown school?

NOOD: And what are you wearing?

BOZO: I was going to get changed when I got th-

NOOD: Don't lie to us, Bozo! This is the second time we've caught you in normal person clothes. Bozo, what's going on?

BOZO: Look, I don't want to be a clown. You want me to be a clown! I want to be an entrepreneur!

The balloon animals pop
SCRA: A what?

BOZO: An entrepreneur! I don't want to be a clown! I get made fun of on the streets! I can't get into clubs! Little kids beat the shit out of me! I want an actual job!

NOOD: You can fit clowning in with another career, Bozo.

BOZO: Yeah, like Uncle Henry? The clown surgeon? He pretends to pull coins out of his unconscious patient's ears, and then pulls endless scarves from their stomach until they flat line. Thirteen dead, mum! THIRTEEN DEAD.

SCRA: Laughter has always been the best medicine.

BOZO: That's not medicine, dad. That's murder.

NOOD: You don't have to murder people. What about your aunt Penny, the lawyer mime?

BOZO: The lawyer mime, mum? Every single one of her clients has gone to prison. She gets on the stand, pretends to eat a banana and acts out being trapped in a box. Do you really think that's a good defence? Pretending to be in a prison cell? 

SCRA: Have some respect. Laughter has always been the best medicine.

BOZO: That has nothing to do with law!

NOOD: Look, I know you think you have some big shoes to fill

BOZO: Ha ha, mum.

NOOD: Look, I know you think an endless line of clowns exiting a small car.


BOZO: That's not even a complete sentence. Mum, I'm leaving to study business. Goodbye.

SCRA: Son, wait.

SCRAPPY slams a pie into BOZO'S face, BOZO wipes it off, they both smile

SCRA: Never forget who you are on the outside son: A clown. 

BOZO: (nods) Goodbye.

NOODLE starts crying, as BOZO leaves, NOODLE pulls out an endless string of scarves from her pocket for to wipe her eyes on

Lights down
Josh Pearse,
May 31, 2011, 2:25 AM