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Sherlock Ohms - Act 4

Sherlock: That's it. There have been two murders now. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but it's time to break out the big guns. (reaches into pocket – pulls out magnifying glass) (To Carmen) Bet you don't have access to state-of-the-art technology like this.
Carmen:
Actually – (Pulls out larger magnifying glass)
Sherlock:
Ah, yes – well – it's not technology that solves crimes. It's intellect! It's experience!
Carmen:
It's procedure. I follow investigative procedure thoroughly and I logically deduce who the criminal or criminals are
Sherlock:
Bah! Procedure! I spit on your procedure!
Carmen:
Please don't
Sherlock:
I think I should
Carmen:
Don't
Sherlock:
I'm going to spit on it
Wattson:
Sherlock, what's wrong with following procedure?
Sherlock:
Routine, Wattson.
Wattson:
Routine?
Sherlock:
Yes, routine. What dear Carmen here fails to see is that a detective can never follow any kind of ritual. (pulls out his pipe which obviously has a fuse coming out of it and an explosive attached) He or she cannot have any kind of habit that their enemies could exploit. (Stuffs pipe with tobacco)
Carmen:
Sherlock -
Sherlock:
(takes out match) If just a single one of a detective's actions are predictable it could be used to set a trap for the unwitting detective.
Carmen:
Sherlock!
Sherlock:
Why, (puts pipe in his mouth) they could simply rig some kind of explosive and it would blow up in the old fools face!
Carmen:
Look out! (Knocks the pipe out of his mouth)
Sherlock:
Hey, I was going to smoke that!
Carmen: It's rigged to explode!
Sherlock:
It's rigged to be delightful!

Sherlock walks offstage – loud bang – smoke is coming out of the pipe – Sherlock has been knocked down

Carmen: Sherlock!
Wattson:
(as above) Sherlock!
Sherlock:
(Shaken) Pipe
Wattson:
It was rigged
Sherlock:
Yup
Wattson:
To explode
Sherlock:
Yuuup
Wattson:
You could have died.
Sherlock:
Thank you, Wattson
Carmen:
Wattson, take care of him. Make sure he's okay.
Screamer:
But who will solve the crime?
Carmen:
This is my case. I'll solve it.
Hamilton:
With my help!
Carmen:
(beat) Sure, why not. (Approaches Doctor Susan Q. Doctor M.D.) Excuse me, Doctor
Doctor:
That's Doctor Doctor.
Carmen:
Have you finished your examination of Madame?
Doctor:
I have
Carmen:
And was she killed by a volcano?
Doctor:
No..
Carmen:
(To Hamilton) Ooh, sorry. Looks like we don't need a geologist. (To Doctor) So, what did your results yield?
Doctor:
It seems the victim had blood
Carmen:
 True..
Doctor:
And now she has less blood
Carmen:
Also true.
Doctor:  
That seems to be the issue
Carmen:
How does this help me find the killer?
Doctor:
 Well, I'd look for someone hoarding an excess of blood
Carmen:
 That - you are the opposite of helpful!
Hamilton:
I think Sherlock was better at this, Carmen.
Carmen:
I think you .. you're .. shut up, Hamilton!
Wattson:
(from distance) Seconded
Carmen:
Thank you, Wattson. Now – Whoever did this must have been good with patterns. They had to quickly analyse Sherlock's routines – they'd have to know them to … military precision. Give it up, Major! You killed your little brother out of jealousy! Then, when you heard I was coming you panicked and struck again!
Major:
Panicked?
Carmen:
Yes, you panicked!
Major:
I was the one who called you.
Carmen:
Oh – uh – umm
Major:
How's that career choice working out for you?
Lord Nosferatu enters
Nosferatu:
Oh, you're all still here
Carmen:
Who are you?
Hamilton:
That's Lord Nosferatu of the Undead!
Carmen:
Well, you definitely did it
Nosferatu:
Did what?
(Lights flicker)
Jill:
What's going on?
Jack:
The candles! They've been sabotaged!
Wattson:
That's not a thing that can happen!
Jack:
Someone's cut them! They're fading!
Wattson:
You don't understand how candles work!
Screamer:
Oh this is horrid! Fix it Jack!
Jack:
How am I supposed to fix it?
Screamer:
Oh you never listen to me! I said fix it, not whine and fail!
Carmen:
Quick! Plug in the bulb – we can use it to light the room!
Wattson:
I'd have to amp up the voltage – it might be unstable
Carmen:
We have no choice!
(Light comes on)
(Everyone oohs)
Carmen: Stop doing that!
Wattson:
Well there it is – but I have no way of knowing how long it will last

(flickers)

Major: We're about to find out.
(Light goes off – comes back on – Nosferatu is dead)
(Screamer screams)
Jack:
Lord Nosferatu!
(Light goes off – comes back on – smoke bomb – butler is dead)
(Screamer screams)
Jill:
Jeeves! Our butler!
(Light goes off – comes back on)
(Pause – Everyone has braced themselves for a scream that doesn't come – Jack turns to his side – Screamer is dead)
Jack:
Oh thank god.
Carmen:
CAN SOMEBODY FIX THAT FREAKING LIGHT
Hamilton:
I've put the candles back on – but they won't last long. We only have about five minutes of light
Carmen:
If it goes dark again we're sitting ducks. I only have five minutes to solve this case before we're all killed. I'm going to need all the help I can get on this one.
Hamilton: I can help you!
Carmen: Anyone else? Literally, anyone? I would accept a corpse at this point.
Jack: You know who you need, Carmen
Hamilton:  Yeah, I -
Major: It isn't you, Hamilton.
Jill: But Sherlock is still in shock!
Wattson: Is that true, Sherlock?
Sherlock: Pipebomb.
Wattson: It's true.
Carmen: Alright, well - Let me ponder aloud for a moment here. (Sherlock looks up) I need something.. something that is distinctly Sherlock's area. Something that he won't resist being able to do. Something that will make him want to prove himself. Something that will swiftly and dramatically bring this case to a close. Major! Do you know of any such thing? No, I have already deduced you don't. Jack! How about you? No. Of course not. How about you, Jill? Or Susan!? No. No. None of you seem to know. This is hopeless.

(Sherlock Jumps Up)

Sherlock: You call THAT a monologue!?
Wattson: Sherlock!
Hamilton: You're back!
Sherlock: Of course! The game's a-foot! When it comes to one person dispensing information until he solves a case, look no further than Sherlock Ohms. Now, screw in your listening ears and prepare your admissions of guilt. It's time I showed you how a real detective delivers a monologue.

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