Everyone is gathered in a room, clearly panicked
Carmen: Sherlock! It’s time to finish this!
Sherlock: Alright, that’s it then! (comical boxing stance)
Carmen: What? No, Sherlock. We need to wrap up this case before the lights run out.
Sherlock: Ah yes, it seems the cat has taken the wheel of the tractor and now the farmer has become the farm.
Carmen: I have no idea what that means.
Sherlock: It means it’s time for my monologue! Now, I will begin by assessing the evidence so far. As you recall, we were gathered here for the unveiling of the Light bulb -
(very quick dialogue)
Major: And then my brother was killed! -
Jill: And then my mother! -
Hamilton: And then the Butler! -
Susan: And Lord Nosferatu! -
Jack: And my fiancee! -
Carmen: Which shows that -
Sherlock: THIS IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF A MONOLOGUE! This is my turn. You had yours!
Carmen: This isn’t about having turns!
Sherlock: You want this case solved? Let me have my monologue! Alright, ground rules! This (removes conch from his pocket) is the talking conch. If you wish to speak you must be holding the talking conch. Do you understand? (They go to speak) Do not chitter, crickets! You are not holding the conch. Good, now - (Takes out duct tape. Tapes conch to his arm) That’s better isn’t it? Do not answer!
Wattson: May I talk, Sherlock?
Sherlock: Oh, Wattson, my beloved companion.. Of course not. Now, let’s get reasoning. The stealing of the light bulb indicates the killer wished not just to rid the world of the Professor Phil Arment, but also of his invention. But the killer made one mistake. He dared to commit a crime when Sherlock Ohms was around.
Jack: Uh, he also killed a guy.
Sherlock: Okay, he made two mistakes. But one was more of a life choice. All the same, only one person was capable of making mistakes as simple as these, Major Reg Arment! (Gasp)
Major: What!?
Sherlock: Yes, major. You killed your own brother in his moment of triumph. Your incredible jealousy drove you to spill the blood you shared. But, you forgot that blood is thicker than water and I am thicker than both
Major: Well, I won’t argue that
Sherlock: But soft, why would you then kill Madame? What reason had you to eliminate Lord Nosferatu? No, I knew that it couldn’t have been you. It must be someone pretending to be what they are not. Or, more likely, WHO they are not. Or even more likely WHO they are not A DOCTOR! (Gasp)
Doctor: What!?
Sherlock: Give it up, “Doctor”, if that is your real profession, which it isn’t! You are clearly not a - (Susan reaches into her coat, pulls out a diploma) - What’s that?
Doctor: My diploma from Harvard Medical School.
Sherlock: .. Oh. You.. you just carry that with you?
Doctor: I’m a bit of a show off. I’m a doctor you know.
Sherlock: Well, yes. Apparently you are. But, of course! The real killer was motivated by greed. The deadly sin. Fear of his fortune disappearing before him. Fear that this new technology would bring his demise. Fear that his inheritance would become a thing of the past along with his precious Candlesticks MR. JACK O’LANTERN (gasps)
Jack: Are you going to go through everyone?
Sherlock: I need not, Mr. O’Lantern! For I have found the true killer. You murdered the inventor to protect your father’s business!
Jill: It couldn’t have been Jack! He was on the other side of the stage when the inventor was murdered.
Sherlock: Ah yes, but Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack murdered the inventor with the candle stick.
Jack: I did not!
Sherlock: It all falls into place. You killed the inventor to save your business. And then, when you were trying to hide the light bulb, you were discovered by Madame and killed her as well!
Jack: Impossible!
Sherlock: And then you killed the butler, Lord Nosferatu, and that really loud woman who seemed to hate you
Jack: Why would I kill my own fiancee!?
Sherlock: Well, clearly you were - Oh my god - It all fits! It wasn’t you. It must have been .. Jill! (Huge Gasp)
Jack: No! Jill!
Jill: I swear it wasn’t!
Sherlock: Madame was smothering you. So you had to eliminate her.
Jill: No!
Sherlock: The Butler and Nosferatu were the last ties to a family you hated!
Jill: I didn’t!
Sherlock: And you killed the inventor to eliminate the last remnants of your mother’s foundation, The Light Brigade
Carmen: She couldn’t!
Sherlock: She did!
Carmen: She wasn’t there when the Inventor was killed
Sherlock: She’s been picking us off one by one!
Carmen: She couldn’t have done it!
Sherlock: She’s picking her next victim!
Carmen: She hasn’t had any victims!
Sherlock: THEN WHY WAS SHE WATCHING JACK SO CLOSELY!?
Carmen: BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM, YOU IDIOT!
(Gasp)
(Jack turns to Jill)
Jack: You .. you still love me.
Jill: (Sheepish) .. I .. I do.
(Spotlight on Jack and Jill, Jack walks towards her, music builds)
Jack: (singing) I thought I’d lost your love forever. I thought I -  
(Sherlock claps loudly - Spotlights instantly disappear, main lights return)
Sherlock: Sorry, can we focus on the MURDER!
Jack: Sorry Sherlock
Jill: Sorry Sherlock.
Sherlock: That’s better - But now .. this only leaves one option. The killer needed to be around us the whole time. He needed to know my routine .. perhaps be obsessed with me. He needed to have a burning desire to be my sidekick, by any means necessary, HAMILTON!
Hamilton: It wasn’t me!
Sherlock: Shut up, Hamilton. You were here the whole time.
Carmen: Sherlock..
Sherlock: You discovered Madame.
Carmen: Sherlock
Sherlock: You had the medical knowledge necessary to commit these crimes quickly and efficiently!
Hamilton: Medical knowledge!? But - but I’m a trained geologist!
Carmen: IT WAS WATTSON!
Sherlock: HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR THE TALKING CONCH!?  I mean - What!?
(Wattson grabs the light bulb races away)
Jack: He’s got the bulb!
Sherlock: How could it be Wattson!?
Carmen: He’s getting away!
Sherlock: It can’t be him!
Carmen: Look at the evidence, Sherlock!
Sherlock: But - no!
Carmen: And you let him get away!
Sherlock: It can’t have been him! YOU’RE WRONG!
Carmen: I’M RIGHT!
Sherlock: YOUR OVERCONFIDENCE IS YOUR WEAKNESS
Carmen: YOUR FAITH IN YOUR FRIEND IS YOURS!
(Wattson appears on the juliet holding the light bulb above his head)
Wattson: GAME OVER DETECTIVES! I have the bulb now. You were too wrapped up in your own little worlds to get the job done. I did and I got away with it right under your -
Carmen: (pulls wand out of jacket) EXPELLIARMUS
(The bulb drops, smashes)
Wattson: No! Noooo!
Sherlock: Hamilton, Major - Seize him!
Carmen: Bring him to us.
(They leave)
Sherlock: That really is such a useful spell!
Carmen: You’re right - it is.
Sherlock: Hang on a second. You never mentioned you were a wizard.
Carmen: You never asked.
Sherlock: Touche. So, I guess you were right.
Carmen: Yeah, well - I couldn’t have done it without you.
Sherlock: Well, that’s true.
(Hamilton and the Major return with Wattson)
Major: Here he is.
Sherlock: Oh, Wattson, how could you .. after all this time - how could it have been you .. unless -  Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Carmen?
Carmen: I think I am, Sherlock!
Sherlock: This isn’t Wattson at all!
Carmen: No, it’s - (Carmen takes out a fake moustache and puts it on Wattson’s face)
Everyone: THOMAS EDISON!
Carmen: You wanted to steal the light bulb
Sherlock: You wanted the credit for yourself
Carmen: You killed Madame because she caught you hiding it
Sherlock: You tried to kill me to get me out of the picture
Carmen: You killed the others to throw me off the scent
Sherlock: But you couldn’t stop us both
Carmen: And together we caught you.
Sherlock: Because you made one mistake
Carmen: You committed a crime in front of The Sherlock Ohms
Sherlock: And a Carmen Sandeigo
Carmen: .. Sherlock
Sherlock: Fine - The Carmen Sandeigo
Wattson: Yes - I did it! And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling detectives!
Sherlock: Take him away!
(The major takes him off stage)
(Cheers)
Hamilton: So what happens now?
Sherlock: Well .. I’m going to need a new assistant..
Hamilton: Can I be your assistant!?
Sherlock: Actually, I was thinking .. Carmen. Together we’ll be the greatest crime fighting team the world has ever seen. Carmen, will you be my assistant?
Carmen: Assistant? No.
Sherlock: Okay, how about partner?
Carmen: Much better.
Sherlock: Perfect (leans in for a kiss - Carmen backs away)
Carmen: What are you doing!?
Sherlock: Really? oh - sorry - I totally misread that.
Carmen: We’ll work together - that’s all
Sherlock: Fine by me - Ohms and Sandiego Detective Services
Carmen: That’s Sandiego and Ohms
Sherlock: How about we switch every case?
Carmen: Deal.
Hamilton: What are you two going to do?
Jill: Jack and I are going to restart the light brigade. Together. We still have the plans for the lightbulb from the inventor.
Jack: We’ll use the resources of the Candlestick Emporium and bring this new technology to the masses.
Hamilton: Do you need an assistant!?
Jill: Hmm.. what can you do?
Hamilton: I. AM. A. TRAINED. GEOLOGIST.
Jack: ... Can you sweep the floor?
Hamilton: (excited) I can!
Everyone: Hooray!

(ENDING SONG)