Sherlock: Ha! It seems your other detective hasn't arrived! 

Major: Any minute now.

Sherlock: Well, I ask you sir, Where in the world is -

Carmen enters

Carmen: Carmen SanDiego at your service. I will be running this case.

Sherlock: Au contrare mon petite fromage, I think you'll find I'm in charge of this investigation.

Carmen: And who are you?

Sherlock: Is that a rhetorical question?

Carmen: Do you even know what a rhetorical question is?

Sherlock: Is that a rhetorical question?

Major: Are you the detective I called for?

Carmen: I am indeed. Carmen SanDiego at your service

Jack: I thought Carmen SanDiego was a bad guy

Carmen: Reformed. Often it takes a former criminal to peak into the criminal mind. (Facing Sherlock, still talking to Jack) You will see that it tends to be the people claiming to solve the crimes that are actually the ones committing them.

Wattson: Do you realise you're talking to THE Sherlock Ohms

Carmen: Who is THE Sherlock Ohms?

Sherlock: I am THE Sherlock Ohms. Well, I am A Sherlock Ohms, but i think I've earned the definite article by now.

Carmen: Well, Sherlock, where were you at the time of the murder?

Sherlock: Just a moment, I am the one asking the questions here. I am wearing my interrogation trousers and my accusing vest. You will answer to me. Where were YOU at the time of the murder?

Carmen: What? .. I was at the police station. I only just got here.

Sherlock: Yes, well, your story checks out so far.

Carmen: And you were..

Sherlock: Well, I .. I was .. 

Hamilton: He was standing next to the inventor!

Sherlock: Thank you, Hamilton.

Carmen: Next Question -

Sherlock: No more questions! This is an investigation, not some kind of mad investigation.

Jack: Why don't you just work together

Both: I WORK ALONE

Wattson: *Ahem* Uh, Sir.

Sherlock: Oh, yes - Well, except for Wattson of course.

Jill: There's no need to snap at Jack

Madame: Do not speak out of turn, Jill!

Screamer: (To Jack) Silly girl, offering her opinion where it's not wanted. And you too. You're as bad as each other.

Jack: Sorry, dear.

Screamer: You're always embarrassing me like this.

Jack: Sorry, dear.

Jill: Look at him! He deserves better than that! 

Madame: Do not concern yourself with him, Jill. You had your chance. I order you to stay away from that boy.

Screamer: And that girl! What was she thinking!

Jack: She was just trying to defend -

Screamer: She was trying to make a fool of herself. And a good job she did too. (Claps) Well done. Well done.

Carmen: Silence, all of you.

Sherlock: Good, okay - now -

Carmen: That includes you! I am in control of this investigation!

Sherlock: You haven't got what it takes. You need intelligence

Carmen: I have intelligence.

Sherlock:  You need style!

Carmen: I have style!

Sherlock: You need .. uh .. an assistant!

Wattson: Yeah!

Carmen: Hamilton, do you want to be my assistant?

Hamilton: Yeah!

Carmen: Done.

Sherlock: Hamilton? Really? Hamilton is going to be your assistant?

Carmen: He might be useful.

Hamilton: I am a trained geologist.

Carmen: Never mind. It doesn't matter. I'm perfectly capable of solving this case on my own. Now, I will begin with interrogations. 

Sherlock: Ha, you're a step behind already, Suselliah. If that is your real name.

Carmen: It's not. My name is Carmen. Suselliah isn't even a name. 

Sherlock: Nevertheless, I have already begun interrogations. I have sworn statements from everyone here.

Carmen: Well, maybe then I better start by interrogating you.

(Everyone Oohs)

Carmen: Hamilton, get these people out of here. I'll speak with them later.

Sherlock: Wattson, you get these people out of here. I'll speak with them when I'm done with this "detective" 

Hamilton: (To Wattson) Pretty cool to be working together, don't you think?

Wattson: I don't like you.

(Everyone exits but Sherlock and Carmen)

Sherlock: What the hell do you think you're doing?

Carmen: I'm doing my job.

Sherlock: You seriously think I killed him?

Carmen: I suspect everyone until I've ruled them out. 

Sherlock: It just so happens this isn't my first rodeo, girl. I've been involved in 130 other cases before this.

Carmen: You've been present at 130 other crime scenes? Sounds a bit suspicious to me.

Sherlock: Look, how about you step aside and see how the professionals solve crimes?

Carmen: I'm watching you, Ohms.

Sherlock: Well, maybe you'll learn something.

Carmen: Maybe you'll end up in prison.

(Screamer screams from off stage - Everyone bursts in bar Madame)

Wattson: Sherlock!

Hamilton: (As above) Carmen!

Wattson: There's been another murder

Hamilton: Madame has been killed

Wattson: We found this on the body (Hands over light bulb)

Hamilton: It's the stolen light bulb!

Sherlock: (To Carmen) Do you believe it wasn't me now?

Carmen: Quiet you. If it wasn't for you I would have solved this case by now, and this never would have happened.

Sherlock: You solve it!? I was halfway there when you burst in accusing me!

Hamilton: Please, don't fight.

Everyone: SHUT UP, HAMILTON

Carmen: You just wait, I'm going to solve this case.

Sherlock: Do you seriously believe you're a better detective than me?

Carmen: Is that a rhetorical question?

CUE CARMEN'S SONG (THE CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE)