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Sherlock Ohms - Act 2

Wattson: Sherlock! There's been a murder
Sherlock: It was you!
Wattson: It wasn't me
Sherlock: Are you sure it wasn't you?
Wattson: Positive. Why don't you use your skills of deductive reasoning to find out who the real murderer is?
Sherlock: Capital idea, Wattson! But how did you know I would have to use deductive reasoning unless.. 
(Sherlock gasps, points at Wattson)
Wattson: It wasn't me.
Sherlock: Alright, fine. But next time it's you.
Madame: Oh, Please help us, Sherlock. Phil was a good friend of mine. Please, find the person who killed him.
Sherlock: For you, Madame, I'll take the case.
Hamilton: Oh! Can I help!
Sherlock: Who are you?
Hamilton: Hamilton. Mark Hamilton. I'm your biggest fan, and I'd love to be your sidekick
Wattson: Job's taken, kid.
Sherlock: Biggest fan, eh?
Hamilton: Most certainly, sir!
Sherlock: Okay, kid. What can you do?
Wattson: Sherlock!
Sherlock: Calm down, Wattson. He might be useful.
Hamilton: I'm a geologist
Sherlock: (To Wattson) Nevermind. (To Hamilton) Really?
Hamilton: Yep. A trained geologist.
Sherlock: Okay, awesome. I'll let you know if we need you.
(Sherlock moves away, with Wattson in tail)
Wattson: (To Hamilton) We don't need you.
(Sherlock approaches Jack)
Screamer: Oh, it was horrid! Absolutely horrid!
Jack: Yes, I know dear.
Screamer: Truly Horrid!
Jack: I know
Sherlock: Mr O'Lantern is it?
Jack: Please, Jack. And this is my fiancee Miss Dee Cybil.
Screamer: This whole thing is horrid!
Sherlock: Yup. I got that. Thank you. So, Mr. O'Lantern - How did you know the victim.
Jack: Oh, he was a friend of my father's. Perhaps you've heard of him, Bill O'Lantern of O'Lantern's Candle Emporium?
Sherlock: This Candle Emporium .. would you happen to make Candlesticks there?
Jack: Well, yes - yes we do.
Sherlock: Ah, and the candlestick that was stabbed into the back of the inventor there  -
Screamer: Oh, my! That was absolutely -
Sherlock: Horrid? Yeah, got that. It's okay. I've got your testimony right here. It's one word - Horrid. I've got it. Did you get it Wattson?
Wattson: That it was horrid?
Sherlock: It was horrid.
Wattson: Murder - horrid. Got it.
Sherlock: Okay, good. That's done. Now, Jack -
Jack: Oh my god, it's Jill!
(Jill enters, and is immediately approached by Sherlock)
Sherlock: Who are you!?
Madame: Oh, Sorry Sherlock. This is my daughter Jill. She was in her room upstairs.
Jill: Mother, is that Jack? You didn't tell me you were inviting him.
Madame: You forget about him, Jill. He's engaged now.
Sherlock: What were you doing upstairs?
Jill: I was just looking at the new dress mother bought me
Madame: You didn't touch it did you!? Now I'll have to have it cleaned. Where is that blasted butler?
Sherlock: Ah, a butler. Now we're getting somewhere.
(Madame rings a small bell.)
(Smokebomb. Butler appears)
Butler: Yes, Madame?
Madame: (To Sherlock) He has a taste for the theatrical.
Sherlock: Where were you five minutes ago?
Butler: The kitchen, sir.
Madame: Nevermind that, Jeeves - my daughter's dress needs cleaning.
Butler: Very well, Madame.
Sherlock: Wait - I have some quest -
(Smokebomb - Butler Exits)
(Sherlock and Wattson approach Doctor)
Sherlock: And who are you, Miss.
Doctor: That's Doctor. Susan Q. Doctor. M.D. I really am a doctor. I swear.
Sherlock: And you were the inventor's personal physician?
Doctor: Ah, yes. Physician is just a fancy word for Doctor. Which is what I am. A doctor.
Sherlock: So, what was the cause of death?
Doctor: In technical terms, a severe case of cranial breakaging resulting in the rupture of the victim's bloodlet cavity. 
Sherlock: Well, that certainly sounds like medicine. Okay, Doctor - answer this: What disease is caused by the inflammation of one's tonsils?
Doctor: Tonsillitis? 
Sherlock: AHA!
Wattson: Was that wrong?
Sherlock: (Taking a newspaper out of his coat) No, it was the last clue of this crossword. There, done. Now for the jumble!
Wattson: Sherlock!
Sherlock: Yes?
Wattson: Murder.
Sherlock: Oh, yes! That's right. Uh, you're clear, Doctor. For now.
(Lord Nosferatu enters)
Sherlock: Does "seal the doors" mean nothing to you people!? Who the hell are you?
Madame: This is my houseguest, Lord Nosferatu of the Undead.
Sherlock: Lord Nosferatu of the Undead?
Lord: At your service.
Sherlock: Well, it was definitely you.
Lord: What was me?
Sherlock: You killed him.
Lord: Killed who?
Wattson: Are you sure it was him?
Sherlock: Please, his name is Lord Nosferatu of the Undead! That is actually his name!
Madame: A rose of any other name..
Sherlock: Yeah, but roses don't kill people!
Hamilton: Some do. If you're allergic.
Sherlock: Rarely do roses kill people. My point stands! He calls himself Lord Nosferatu of the Undead!
Lord: Actually, it's pronounced ündead. There's an umlaut over the U. Now, if you don't mind - I've got a crumpet waiting for me in the other room.
(Lord Nosferatu exits)
Sherlock: This place is mental!
(Smokebomb. Butler enters with a teapot and cups on a tray)
Butler: Tea anyone? Anyone? Tea? No? .. No? 
(Smokebomb. Butler exits)
Sherlock: Everyone stop! I cannot stress how serious this is. The fact remains - someone in this room is a murderer.
(The Major enters)
Sherlock: Where the hell where you!?
Major: I had to make a phone call.
Sherlock: Okay, well - NOW Someone in this room is a murderer.  .. Who were you calling?
Major: My baby brother has been murdered! I called a detective!
Sherlock: Another detective? But .. but I'm the world's greatest detective.
Hamilton: No, Batman's the world's greatest detective.
Wattson: Shut up, Hamilton!
Sherlock: Thank you, Wattson.
Wattson: My pleasure.
Sherlock: How could you call another detective?
Major: I wasn't going to leave the investigation to someone as incompetent as you.
Sherlock: .. I already don't like you. And I'll show you. I'll solve this case. I'll solve it like this Sodoku! (Takes out newspaper again)
Wattson: Sherlock..
Sherlock: Ah, yes. Murder. Uh, (to Wattson) Did you do it!?
Wattson: No!