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Weight Loss Solution

Lights up on stage.  CLAUDETTE is tied to a chair, there are two kidnappers, JESUS (pronounced Hay-Suse) and JOSE.  They are Mexican, JOSE may be slightly gay.  JESUS has a phone. The MANAGER is a voice over.

Jose: Okay, are you ready to use the telephone?

Jesus: Yes, make sure she keeps quiet.

Manager: Hello?

Jesus: Hello, you’re probably wondering where your little modelling cash cow is. We thought we’d let you know. (Motions to Jose to remove gag)

Claudette screams.

Manager: What? Who are you? Why do you have her? What have- (you done to her?)

Jesus: I don’t believe you are in a position to be demanding information from us. But we appear to be in a position to be demanding things from you.

Manager: Things? What kind of things? Oh if you’ve- (hurt her)

Jesus: We want 10 million dollars, or she may never be quite the same again.

Manager: What?! 10 million dollars? But, but... That’s it? Her last modelling contract netted her 15 million, you’re selling her short! Typical, no one recognises quality these days.

Stunned silence

Jose: I told you she was better quality than 10 million, just look at those eyelash extensions!

Jesus: (back on phone) Okay, give us 15 million dollars, by Sunday, or something unpleasant may happen.

Manager: Where am I going to get 15 million dollars? I don’t have that sort of money!

Jesus: Look, you give us the money, or she loses a finger for each day it’s late.

Manager: Is there any chance you could take off limbs instead?

Jesus: What?

Manager: Well, as I’m sure you can see, she’s a bit tubby, losing a limb or two would be the easiest way to get her under the 50kg mark, she’s not particularly good at the whole purging thing- (you see)

Jesus: You seem to be forgetting that we’re the ones in charge here. We’ll be the ones giving the orders. Now go and find yourself some money, she might not last very long, you know, with the minimal food and water…

Manager: Oh, so you’ve been making sure she doesn’t eat too much? That’s great! I always weaken, she gives me the puppy dog eyes and next thing you know I’ve bought her another Mars bar. I swear she doesn’t actually want to be a model. She’s not even that attractive-


Jesus and Jose stop and look at each other.

Jesus: For every day she is late we will feed her a mars bar.

Jose: Deep fried.

Jesus: Smothered in caramel.

Jose: Dipped in nuts. 

Jesus: With a cherry on top. 

Jose: And then deep fried again! 


TBC, or if anyone has any ideas...
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