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Tony and Friends

Tony Abbott is sitting at his desk surrounded by three Liberal advisors.

Liberal One: It’s official, Tony. Julia Gillard has become the new Prime Minister.

Liberal Two: Australia’s first female prime minister! Quite an achievement!

Tony: What? I can’t believe this! We’re doomed!

Liberal One: Sorry? How are we doomed?

Tony: There’s no way we’re going to win an election against Julia!

Liberal Three: True. Women are a lot better at running countries than men.

Tony: That’s bullshit! The liberals ran the country for eleven years with a man in charge and we did just fine... (Awkward silence)

Liberal Three: ... I rest my case.

Liberal Two: I think what Tony’s getting at is that taxpayers... I mean, people- are going to be much more likely to vote for Julia because she’s a woman.

Liberal Three: You don’t think making good economic decisions and delivering policy has anything to do with it?

Tony: Policy? Ha! What has policy to do with politics? No, if I’m going to beat Julia at this next election, I need to outmatch her. She’s Australia’s first female prime minister. I need to beat that. Maybe I could be Australia’s first Black prime minister! It worked for Obama. That’d get people to vote for me!

Liberal One: Well, it’s a good idea, certainly, but I do see one small problem.

Tony: What?

Liberal One: You’re white.

Tony: ... yeah, but I’m sure I could get some surgery or make up or something.

Liberal Two: It’s not that simple, and kind of racist, too.

Tony: Fine! I could be Australia’s first Asian prime minister!

Liberal Three: You’re European!

Tony: Australia’s first Muslim prime minister!

Liberal One: You’re Christian!

Tony: Australia’s first gay Prime minister!

Liberal Two: Are you gay?

Tony: God no! But there is nothing a man won’t do in order to win a federal election. Well, almost nothing.

Liberal Three: You might have to face facts, Tony. If people vote for you they’ll be voting for a right wing, white anglo saxon protestant who is more or less exactly the same as every other prime minister Australia has ever had.

Liberal One: Hey! I might have a possible solution! What if we got someone else to lead the liberal party? Someone with a gimmick like Julia!

Tony: I don’t think that’s a good idea-

Liberal Three: Well, who have we got then? Do we have any women?

Liberal Two: Err... we have got one. I’m pretty sure she’s a woman! Julie Bishop.

Liberal One: That won’t work, we’d be accused of copycatting.

Liberal Three: Fine. Do we have any people with black skin?

Liberal Two: No.

Liberal One: Asians?

Liberal Two: No.

Liberal Three: Muslims?

Liberal Two: No.

Liberal One: Gays?

Liberal Two: No. Not that I’m aware of, anyway.

Tony: I’m still open to the idea of surgery, if that’s any help. Maybe I could be a woman, too!

Liberal Two: We run a good PR machine, Tony, but not good enough to justify you getting a sex change.

Liberal One: Or indeed, having you in charge at all.

Tony: This is impossible! There’s no way we’re going to win the election now! I don’t want to do this anymore!

Liberal Three: The sad thing is that Gillard may be a woman, but she still has more balls than you do, Tony.