Show Archive‎ > ‎2010‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Tongue Twisters - Peter Piper

Interrogation room. Cop (C) and Peter Piper (PP) are seated at a table. The conversation starts off quite neutral but reaches fever pitch by its conclusion
 
C: (Turns on tape recorder) 10:51pm Wednesday 7th July 2010. Officer Johnson present. Now look, we know you’re a part of this but you don’t have to go down for it, you don’t have to take the rap. Just tell us some names and we can cut a deal.
PP: (Nods)
C: So rumour has it Peter that you picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? And if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where is the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
PP: I didn't pick the peck of pickled peppers!
C: So who did pick the peck of pickled peppers Peter?
PP: It was Shelly!
C: The seashell seller from Sutherland?
PP: Yes! She sells seashells by the seashore
C: But the shells she sells are surely seashells?
PP: Sure...
C: So if she sells seashells on the seashore, then I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
PP: Sure...
C: So that doesn't explain the whereabouts of the peck of pickled peppers picked Peter!
PP: It's all part of her plan! Samantha the seashell seller picked the peck of pickled peppers I supposedly picked and then she shipped them in the seashells she sells by the seashore.
C: Keep saying stuff about Shelly’s seashell’s Peter. How does she ship the seashells she sells away from the seashore?
PP: In a red lorry, or a yellow lorry
C: Red lorry, yellow lorry? Red lorry, yellow lorry? Which is it Peter?
PP: Red lorry! And then they go to Tiny Tim.
C: Is this Tiny Tim the woodchuck that would chuck wood as much as a woodchuck could chuck wood if he could?
PP: Yes, the woodchuck who would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck wood. Then a female chef from Unique New York, who is the epitome of femininity, adds a minimum of cinnamon to each pickled pepper making them taste tantilising
C: Okay, but then who puts them to the public Peter? Who performs the final transaction that sells the cinnamon flavoured peck of pickled peppers that were picked by Shelly the seashell seller and transported to Tiny Tim the woodchuck who would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
PP: Polly Perkins! Polly Perkins purchased the peck of pickled pepper products and then peddled the pretty popular pickles to procure herself a pretty proper profit!
C: BINGO!
 
Lights out
 
 
Extended Edition: (I'd really like to have this in here somewhere...)
 C: I think you know more than you're letting on... Tell me, what were you doing at the time of the incident?
 
P: Well, I am a pheasant plucker. I was pleasantly plucking pheasants.
 
C: Plucking pheasants? *looks skeptical* You?
 
P: *nods* With a pheasant plucking wife and son.
 
C: and it was you plucking pheasants whilst the peck of picked peppers where procured?
 
P: Precisely.
 
C: That's peculiar. At that precise point of the theft, your pheasant plucking son professed that, and I quote:
"I am the son of a pheasant plucker.
I am only plucking pheasants until the pheasant plucker comes"
*Peter begins to look nervous*
 
C: So why would a pheasant plucker's son be plucking pheasants unless the pheasant plucker was preoccupied with the picking of a peck of pickled peppers and preparing the shipment for 
sealed seashells concealing the tantelising treats?
 
*tense pause*
P: fuck.
 
Comments