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To Kill A Mockingbird - Town Meeting

1 - Man
2 - Man
3 - Man
4 - Woman (married to 2)
M - Mockingbird
 
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(2, 3 & 4 are seated around a table. 1 stands at the head of the table)
 
1: Right, we all know why we are here.
 
2: I can't take it anymore!
 
3: He's ruining the neighbourhood!
 
4: Will somebody please think of the children!
 
2: This used to be a good neighbourhood until he showed up. Now I can't even walk outside my house without being ridiculed.
 
3: I want him gone!
 
1, 2 & 4: Hear hear!
 
1: Right then, we are all agreed, it is time to kill the mockingbird.
 
M: (Makes some sort of cluck before speaking each line which for the moment I will write as 'barp') You'll never satisfy a woman
 
1: That's not what your Mum said! (Said as if it is a reflex and doesn't think about what he said)
 
M (barp) My Mum's a bird
 
(Everyone looks at 1 oddly)
 
1: I don't like birds guys. I...I...I like women. Sexy women, hot chicks!
 
2: Errrrr
 
1: Women chicks! Not chicken chicks, though don't get me wrong I love the taste of poultry.
 
2: Gary is it women or birds?
 
1: I just like my women spread eagled! (beat) This isn't why we are here! We're here to kill the mockingbird! Now, who has an idea?
 
3: How about we let you take it on a date?
 
(2, 3 & 4 chuckle)
 
1: I LOVE WOMEN!
 
2: How about we slowly cook it, and then eat it for dinner?
 
4: In a nice plum sauce, good idea darling!
 
1: As delicious as I'm sure mockingbird would taste, you're forgetting that we'd have to catch it first. (4 & 3 look disappointed).
 
3: OH! How about a big net? OH! Or a bird trap?!
 
1: A bird trap?
 
3: Yeah, it's like a mouse trap, only instead of cheese, you put a piece of bread there. and then SNAP! (claps hands and grins)
 
M: (barp) You're a virgin
 
3: (To bird) By choice! (To people) By choice guys (all look at him doubtfully) I mean only yesterday a busload of supermodels stopped outside my house!
 
4: And where are they now?
 
3: (Defeated) It wasn't their bus stop, they had to keep going.
 
M: (barp) There was no bus
 
3: I'm so lonely (begins to cry)
 
2: You see what he's doing to us! He has to go!
 
M: Your wife's gonna leave you
 
2: She's terminally ill! (4 joins 3 in crying)
 
1: (To bird) Shut up!
 
M: Your son's not yours
 
1: I KNOW! She already told me about Brad
 
2: A GUN! WE'LL SHOOT IT DOWN!
 
1: Perfect!
 
4: And then cook it in a nice plum sauce
 
1: Right (pulls out gun from under table) It's time to kill a mockingbird
 
M: You can't aim straight
 
1: (Turns to window to shoot and screams and lights down sharply)
 
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