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The Gates of Heaven (new version)

Angel: Next? 
Damien: Hi, Damien Goodwin. 
Angel: [angel looks at list] 
Damien: Can’t wait to get one of those halos! 
Angel: Yeah... about that. I don’t think you’re supposed to be here. You’re not on the list. 
Damien: What? Are you sure? 
Angel: I’m all-knowing. 
Damien: Check it again! 
Angel: You’re not on the list. 
Damien: What? Why not? 
Angel: Well, it says here you had an affair. 
Damien: That’s – what? That didn’t count! 
Angel: It counts. 
Damien: I used a condom! 
Angel: It still counts. 
Damien: Oh... well... come on. It’s just one little extramarital affair. We’ve all done it. It’s human nature! [alt: nobody’s perfect!] 
Angel: You’re talking to an angel. 
Damien: Touche. 
Angel: Plus, it says here you killed a priest. 
Damien: In self-defence! 
Angel: Self-defence? 
Damien: He was mugging me! 
Angel: He was asking you for a donation! 
Damien: Look, an old guy dressed in black comes up to me in the street and asks for money! I did what anyone would! 
Angel: Pretty sure most people don’t shoot priests. I’m going to have to ask you to leave. 
Damien: Look, this is bullshit. Absolute fucking bullshit. So I slept around. So I shot a priest. So I swore in front of an angel. You can’t just smooth it all ver? 
Angel: I can’t just smooth it over. 
Damien: [sigh] Fine. Well, what am I going to do then? 
Angel: [points downwards] 
Damien: Hell? Really? No. No way. No way am I going there. 
Angel: Oh yes you are. 
Damien: Oh, no I’m – wait. Don’t they have sodomy there? 
Angel: Yep. 
Damien: Sweet. [walks off]