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The Firefighter

This is a script by Dan from Teacake Tuesday that I'm very much in love with.

Career Day
Firefighter is behind stand two girls approach

Girl 1: So, you're a firefighter?
Firefighter: Yep. Yep. I'm a firefighter. [Flexes muscles]
Girl 2: Do you put out many fires?
Firefighter: Yep. More than any other firefighter in the world!
Girl 1: Wow, how do you do it?
Girl 2: Yeah! What's your secret?
Firefighter: Well, our research suggests 99% of small fires happen on the Earth.
Girls: [gasp]
Firefighter: And 99% of those fires happen .. on land
Girl 2: [gasp]
Girl 1: But I'm on land!
Firefighter: And 99% of those fires need oxygen
Girls: Woah!
Firefighter: So, we get rid of all the oxygen.
Girl 2: Wow, that's brilliant!
Girl 1: Wait, wait - what do you mean, "get rid of all the oxygen"?
Firefighter: Well. Picture the earth.
Girl 2: Done.
Girl 1: [beat] Done.
Firefighter: You know how it's got oxygen?
Girl 1: U-huh.
Firefighter: What if it didn't?
Girl 2: Then there'd be no fires ever again!
Firefighter: I know. Pretty cool, huh?
Girl 1: But - wait - you can't get rid of all the oxygen!
Firefighter: Why not?
Girl 1: Well - people need oxygen
Firefighter: Huh?
Girl 2: [hesitant] Yeah - people really need oxygen.
Firefighter: Oh - no - Fire needs oxygen. You're confusing people with fire.
Girl 1: Oh, sorry - I do that all the time!
Girl 2: What!? No! If you suck all the oxygen from the Earth, you'll kill billions of people!
Firefighter: I'll kill billions of fires!
Girl 1: You're a hero!
Firefighter: I'm a hero.
Girl 2: You're a monster!
Firefighter: No, no. She was right. I'm a hero.
Girl 2: No, you're not a hero. Human beings breathe oxygen. If you get rid of all the oxygen, we all die.
Firefighter: You know, your friend seems awfully fond of oxygen..
Girl 1: You're right .. a little too fond, if you ask me.
Firefighter: I agree. But .. that could only mean ..
Girl 1: She's a fire!
Girl 1 and Firefighter: [unison] STOP DROP AND ROLL! [drop to floor and roll to and from Girl 2]
Girl 2: [rolls eyes] [exit]

Lights down.