Show Archive‎ > ‎2010‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Spy School

Ending could still use some work but it's better than before.

[Scene: Inside a lab. Q, a scientist, and three recruits are in a session.]

Welcome to the lab, recruits! Well! Today we will be learning how to use our weapons of deception! Now then, turn your attention to exhibit A. What does this look like?
Recruit 1: A bag of almonds?
Q: Aha! That's where you're wrong!
Recruit 2: What is it, then?
Q: A bag of peanuts!
Recruit 2: And how is a bag of peanuts going to help us in the field?
Q: Suppose your enemy has an allergy.
Recruit 3: Then what?
Q: You throw them at him. Job done.
Recruit 3: What if he doesn't?
Q: Well, then you eat them. They're high in protein. Moving along!

Q: What does this look like?
Recruit 1: A gun!
Q: Yes, it looks like a gun - but who can guess what it really is?
Recruit 2: A laser!
Recruit 3: A taser!
Recruit 1: Another bag of nuts!
Q: No, it's just a gun. Occam's Razor, people.
Recruit 2: Just a gun?
Q: Yes. As Sun Tzu once said, "the best defence is a gun."
Recruit 3: That's not what he -
Q: Inconsequential! Lastly, we have this!

Recruit 1: It's an umbrella.
Q: Aha! You're catching on.
Recruit 2: It's an umbrella thaaaat...
Q: It's an umbrella that keeps you dry.
Recruit 3: Can you do anything with it?
Q: You can open it. 

[opens, nearly poking Recruit 3 in the eye]

Recruit 3: Watch it!
Q: Aha! See? Told you it was dangerous.
Recruit 2: You never said it - 
Q: Humbug!

Recruit 3: You're not even a scientist, are you? 
Q: Of course I am!
Recruit 2: No, you're not. You're just a senile old man.
Q: Aha! You may think I'm just a senile old man! I'm actually a scientist!
Recruit 2: Whatever. We're leaving. We've got better things to do with our time. [feel free to cut the last sentence]
Q: Wait! Before you go, take this!
Recruit 1: What is it?
Q: A kitten!
Recruit 1: What's it for?
Q: [beat] The loneliness...