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Psychic

 

 Some far eastern music playing. A round table is centre stage with a flat object covered by a cloth on it. A door behind all this with beads hanging over it. A woman (the Psychic) wearing gypsy clothes and with a ridiculously large number of beads is meditating or bending herself into ridiculous yoga positions centre stage. Two women (Debbie and Janelle) enter, have a look around, then go back out and come back in dragging another girl, Alicia, who is strongly objecting.

 

Debbie: Hello? Excuse me?

Psychic: (Ridiculously overplayed exotic accent) Ah! Welcome, my children! How may I assist you in your earthly wanderings?

Janelle: Well, our friend here is going to England on Saturday. We wondered if you could, you know, tell her future, give her some advice and such.

Alicia: do I have to do this?

Janelle: Of course! It’s good for you!

Psychic: (to Alicia) speak no more, my child! For I sense that you are… disturbed!

Alicia: yes, I am, actually!

Psychic: (Missing the point) Ah! Then we must delve deep into the ether to peel back the layers of the mundane and see the FUTURE!

Alicia: Please can we go? She’s really weird!

Debbie: What? No, she’s not! She’s a visionary!

Psychic: (holding out a pack of cards) Choose a card, my dear. For the ancient and mysterious art of the Tarot will show you the way!

Alicia: they’re probably all the same card.

Psychic: No, they’re not!

Alicia: Well, let me see them then!

Psychic: ahh… no, for that will… disrupt the … aura of the … cards.

 

Alicia chooses a card and holds it up. It is a white skull on a black background. Debbie and Janelle scream.

 

Debbie: Oh my god!

Janelle: The death card!

Debbie: That’s not a good one!

Psychic: It means you’re going to die!

Alicia: I know. Everyone’s going to die sooner or later.

Debbie: But when?

Psychic: I don’t know when, the point is… you’re going to die!

Debbie: (to Alicia) Actually, if you’re going to die… you know that pearl necklace of yours…

Janelle: (to Psychic) But at least try and help her!

Psychic: Very well then. I will read your palm, where is written your life story like the pages of a website. (inspects Alicia’s palm) Yes, I can see here. Looking at your life line, I can see that your life will be about… (holds up two fingers, indicating length of life line) this long.

Janelle: That’s not very long. Can you at least tell her how she is going to die?

Psychic: There is but one way that I can truly see what lies ahead in the darkness.

Alicia: A torch?

Debbie: No, she sees the future with a crystal ball!

Psychic: A crystal ball?! Hah! Only amateurs use crystal balls nowadays! I use… a Magic Mirror!

Debbie/Janelle: Oooooh!

Psychic: Yes, a magic mirror that I gaze into, and I see not my face, but all that once was, all that is, and all that will be!

 

She rips the cover off the table. Underneath is a flatscreen TV.

 

Alicia: Oh, my god. That’s not a mirror! That’s a TV!

Psychic: This is my magic mirror! It shows me the FUTURE! Unfortunately, only at around 7:30 weeknights.
 
 
If only her Psychic powers could divine a punchline.
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