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Occam's Laser

V/O: Meanwhile, In 1981, on the set of the hit show Occam's Laser - A Nuclear Reaction has opened a rift between dimensions. The only man who knows to close it is Professor Heinrich Von ScienceProton. In a desperate plea, President Jimmy Carter has tasked two children with tracking him down and saving the world.

(Tim and Susan run into the lab)

Professor: Don't run in here! I'm Sciencing at almost 150 MegaWatts. 

Susan: This can't wait!

Professor: What are you patriotic children doing here anyway?

Tim: President Jimmy Carter sent us. The Earth's carbon ring is collapsing at near Atomic rates! The quantum fields are unstable!

Professor: Don't you think I know that?

Susan: Professor, do you know anything about the inter-galactic dimensional overlay equations?

Professor: Know them? I wrote the book on them.

Tim: Then you know that the gamma storm in the Earth's core will leave us all crushed under waves of neutrons.

Professor: Yes, but that won't happen for -

Susan: It's happening now!

Professor: God damn it. The quarks have turned chemical

Tim: The positron radiation must be amplifying Maxwell's Equations

Professor: How the hell do you know that?

Susan:  We've read Encyclopaedia Britannica 

Professor: Then you're the only ones who can help me

Tim: Professor, that light over there is flashing - that could only mean one thing.

Susan: The electricity beaker is malfunctioning!

Professor: God damn it, the atoms are just too big. The gravitons in the double helix are about to unweave creating a rift in the space time conjunction thus causing the 7th dimension to collide with ours.

Tim: What happens then, Professor?

Professor: Then may God have mercy on us all.

Susan: But doesn't the helium band mean -

Professor: Yes, we only have 15 minutes.

Tim: Then we have to move fast.

Professor: Quick, plug the outboard relay into the bio-panel. It's time to electrify.

Susan: But, Professor - for that to work you'd have to move the atoms at over four hundred times the speed of light.

Professor: Damn right.

Tim: But that'll anger the protons!

Professor: It's a risk we'll have to take. (Plugs in the machine) (Sparks) (Alarms ring)

Susan: What are you doing?

Professor: I'm inverting the matrix at forty seven kilo-joules per meter. And if my theory's correct the neutron flow will reverse polarity - causing the 7th dimension to turn into a black hole, with gravity so thermal it will absorb all the electrons, acting as a gamma-net and capture any stray Newtons that falls through the atmosphere.

Tim: Like driving a race car through a hurricane!

Professor: Exactly.

Susan: But what if it doesn't work?

Professor: It has to work. It's Science. (Hits button)

(Alarms stop ringing)

Tim: You did it, Professor. You saved the world. And America!

Professor: We did it, kids.

(Phone rings)

Susan: (Picks up the phone) Sir, It's President Carter! Hello Mr. President,  - Yes sir. Yes. - Absolutely sir. We'll get right on it, sir. (Hangs up the phone)

Tim: What is it?

Susan:  The universe… it's expanding.

Professor: Then it's up to us to stop it.

Tim: I guess we'd better give you some space!

(All laugh)

V/O: That's next time on Occam's Laser