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Nasal Delivery Spray Complaint

Lights Up

In the middle of the stage there is a table with a phone on it. The COMPLAINER hobbles on stage, with a very obvious erection straining against his pants. He picks up the reciever and dials a number. A voice with an INDIAN accent booms as a voice over.

INDIAN: Nasal Delivery Spray Hotline, you are talking to Shashank, from sunny Mumb-... BONDI, how may I assist you?

COMPLAINER: Hello, I'm ringing up to complain, this nasal spray of yours... it hasn't worked.

INDIAN: Did you take it out of the packet sir?

COMPLAINER: .... Uh, yes?

INDIAN: And you removed the little bit of plastic from around the pump?


INDIAN: And you sprayed by pressing down on the little handles?

COMPLAINER: Yes of course I did, look, spraying it was fine, I know how to use the damn thing.

INDIAN: Well, then that was an easy problem to solve, wasn't it, sir? I'm glad I could be of assistance.

COMPLAINER: No, the problem isn't solved, I still can't get it up!

INDIAN: You can't spray it up your nose sir? Well that's easily fixed, you just put in your nostril before you pump the spray!

COMPLAINER: No, I can do that, I'm not some sort of moron. But I'm still having trouble... you know... downstairs.

INDIAN: Well, if you are having trouble downstairs, why not wait to use the spray when you get upstairs?

COMPLAINER: No, not literal “downstairs”, argh, you know, my Mini-Me (gestures downwards, in a non-specific way) has not been... postively affected by using the spray, do you understand me?

INDIAN: Sir, you do understand, the spray which you have used on yourself will not work on someone else?

COMPLAINER: What are you talking about, he's attached to me!

INDIAN: Sir, the research on what affect the spray will have on Siamese twins is still in its early stages, it isn't guaranteed to work.

COMPLAINER: Look, I've had enough of this idiocy, I want to speak to your manager. Right Now.

INDIAN: As you wish, Sir.

A booming BOSS voice then takes over, Indian accent optional.

BOSS: Hello sir, what seems to be the issue?

COMPLAINER: As I've been trying to explain to your goon here, your nasal delivery spray does not work.

BOSS: So, you have been unable to achieve an erection using the spray?


BOSS: You've been unable to get your penis erect?

COMPLAINER: Actually, I was going to complain that that was one of the side effects, it bumps into things all the time, it just gets in the way. (Pause) 

BOSS: Sorry sir, I think you may have the wrong spray, hotline and/or disability.

COMPLAINER: Wait, so, you're telling me that this spray isn't meant to fix a broken toe?

BOSS: No, sir.


Hangs Up. Lights Down.