Show Archive‎ > ‎2010‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎


Scene: At a press conference. A PROFESSOR is giving a speech to assorted REPORTERS. Some RESEARCHERS stand with equipment by the background. Everything is made out of lego.

Professor:  Good morning, and thank you all for coming. As we all know, everything in Legoland is made up of Lego bricks. Each large Lego brick, however, can be formed from a number of smaller bricks, and those can be substituted for even smaller bricks, etc etc. Two years ago, I asked the question, "Is there a fundamental Lego brick, an indivisible brick from which all other bricks are made?" And this facility: the Large Brick Collider, was built to answer it.

[audience oohs and ahs]

Reporter: [stands up] Professor Bricksworth, what do you say to allegations that your Large Brick Collider may cause a legotational singularity - or a "tub" - capable of sucking in all Lego bricks, from which no piece may ever be found again?

[crowd murmurs]

Professor: These allegations are pure poppycock. Such a notion violates the Conservation of Lego Bricks: Bricks cannot be created or destroyed, merely put together in new forms.

Reporter 2: Sir, emissaries from the Duplo Kingdom have threatened to attack segments of the Collider. How do you respond to such threats?

Professor: Do you think we're going to let the Duplo Kingdom stop us? We maintain a private security force of over 20 Lego dinosaurs, 30 Lego dragons, and a fleet of Lego spaceships. If the Duplo Kingdom tries to attack us, we'll show those overly-large, blocky cretins that we leave no brick unturned.

[crowd murmurs]

Professor: All further questions will have to wait until the end of the conference. For now, I'd like to summon my close friend, Lego Luke Skywalker, to pull the lever to active the Large Brick Collider.

[applause as Lego Luke Skywalker comes to stage]

Lego Luke Skywalker: Today is a monumental day in Lego history. A day where all of us - Lego Astronaut and Lego Alien, Lego Pirate and Lego Cowboy, Lego Diver and Lego Shark - even Bionicles and Duplos - may come together and learn the deepest secrets of our very bricks. Without further ado - ladies and gentlemen, I give you the fundamental brick.

[pulls lever. Lights flash, whirring noises occur. Suddenly there's a bang and a whooshing noise begins. Press begin to panic, researchers behind stage begin flipping buttons and running around like crazy]

LLS: Professor, what's going on?

Researcher: [hands professor a printout]

Professor: I believe that our machine has created a tub -  A lego-tational singularity with lego density so high, that once a piece falls into it, it can never escape. 

Reporter 3: What are we going to do?

Professor: We've only got one option. Take everything apart - the walls, the tables, the floor - and build a wall so big, it'll seal off the tub. Use everything. Leave no brick unturned!

Reporter 1: How are we going to break apart all this lego in time?

Professor: Simple. Somebody get me... a three year old.