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I am Spartacus

(There are 10 slaves sitting sadly onstage. Two Roman centurions are guarding them.)


Centurion 1: Now slaves, prepare to die

(Slaves are horrified)

Centurion 2: (prompting) Unless…

Centurion 1: Unless?

Centurion 2: Unless they tell us which of them is Spartacus.

Centurion 1: Oh yes! (Viciously to the slaves) Who is Spartacus?

There is a pause as the slaves look at each other one stands up meekly

Slave 1: So all we have to do to save our lives is tell you who Spartacus is?

Centurion 1: A pretty fair exchange if you ask me

Centurion 2: Exactly, not really that hard.

Slave 2: Why?

Centurion 1: What do you mean why?

Slave 3: Why do you want to know who Spartacus is?

Centurion 2: So we can kill him and thus prevent him ever leading an uprising against us again.

Slave 1: Ah, I see, well that’s easy, cause I-

Slave 2 3 and 4: I’m Spartacus.

Slaves 1-4 look at each other

Slave 1: Sorry, I was pretty sure I was Spartacus.

Slave 2: But I thought I was…

Slave 5: Spartacus! That’s me.

Slave 3: No no, I’m Spartacus, I did his tax return last year.

Slave 5: But I picked up the dry cleaning!

Slave 1: I have a library card that says I am Spartacus - look

Slave 4: Hang on, hang on we can’t all be Spartacus.

Slave 2: (to Centurion 1) Are you Spartacus?

Centurion 1: No I’m the guy looking for Spartacus.

Slave 2: (to Centurion 2) Are you Spartacus?

Centurion 2: No I’m with him.

A random Messenger walks on

Slave 2: (To Messenger) Are you Spartacus?

Messenger: No I’m Bob, but I actually have a letter here for a Spartacus.

Slave 3: I’ll take that!

Slave 4: No, no I’ll take it! I’m Spartacus!

Slave 5: They’re lying, I’m the real Spartacus.

Slaves all begin to squabble over who is Spartacus

Messenger: Shut up! Look I don’t care who Spartacus actually is I just need someone to sign as Spartacus!

Centurion 1: Look, give it here, I’ll sign. Spar-ta-cus. There.

Slave 4: Hang on, he’s Spartacus!

Slave 5: Get him!

Slaves all charge at Centurion 1. Centurion 2 rushes with them.

Centurion 2: For the Glory of the Roman Empire!