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Frankensaurus

(a LAB. DOCTOR FRANKENSTEIN and IGOR are gathered around a table with something heavy on it, covered in a cloth.)

FRANKENSTEIN: Finally, the experiment is complete! Igor, start the procedure!

IGOR: Yes, Master! (pause) Actually...

FRANKENSTEIN: Yes, what?

IGOR: Could you maybe explain what we're doing first, Master Frankenstein? You know, for the benefit of myself and (pointed looks at audience) anyone who happens to be watching.

FRANKENSTEIN: … Are you thick?

IGOR: Maaaybe.

FRANKENSTEIN: Well! (dramatically) I have discovered a new kind of space ray, beyond the gamma ray, which is the source of all life! Using the power of lightning, I can harness this energy and supply a body with the electrolytes it needs to COME TO LIFE!

IGOR: Yes, that makes perfect sense.

FRANKENSTEIN: Indeed. Start the procedure!

(he does Igor stuff while lightning flashes and dramatic music plays.)

FRANKENSTEIN: AHA! AHAHAHAHA! (music stops) Just checking, it's working, right?

IGOR: Yes, Master!

FRANKENSTEIN: Oh, that is totally tits. All right... (music) IT'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!

(dramatic chord, the cloth rises. Up rises FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER, aka someone wearing parts of a dinosaur outfit (tail, claws, whatever else).)

MONSTER: (happily) HELLO!!!

FRANKENSTEIN: Er, hello...

MONSTER: ROOOOAR!

(the MONSTER gets off the table and mills about, looking really pleased with itself. FRANKENSTEIN circles around it, and then points at the tail.)

FRANKENSTEIN: Igor?

IGOR: Yes, Master?

MONSTER: (to IGOR) HELLO!!!

FRANKENSTEIN: Do you remember... when I said “find some human parts to make the body with”, and asked you if you understood, you said...?

IGOR: I said “Yes, Master”.

FRANKENSTEIN: (points at the MONSTER) Seriously, Igor, what the hell?

MONSTER: I LIKE YOU! ARE YOU MY MUMMY?

IGOR: (as the MONSTER starts investigating and prodding him) Well... you see Master, the bodies had been in the ground for so long that they'd sort of... decayed.

FRANKENSTEIN: Really earning that biology major there, Igor. Good job.

IGOR: Their bodies decayed, so their DNA decayed as well. So I decided to fill in the missing parts of the genetic code with dinosaur DNA. From mosquitoes!

MONSTER: I'M A DINOSAUR! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!!!

FRANKENSTEIN: Well, we cocked this one up. Good work, Igor.

IGOR: Sorry, Master.

MONSTER: OH, WOW! MY FINGERS MOVE!

FRANKENSTEIN: (stares at MONSTER, then IGOR) Igor...

IGOR: Still here, Master.

FRANKENSTEIN: What kind of brain did you put in that monster?

(IGOR contrives to look innocent. The MONSTER tries to smell, touch, taste etc. FRANKENSTEIN.)

FRANKENSTEIN: Igor... you got a dinosaur brain, didn't you?

IGOR: Maaaaaaybe.

FRANKENSTEIN: What is WITH you and dinosaurs? Always with the dinosaurs!

IGOR: I can't help it, they're dino-riffic!

MONSTER: YOU TASTE LIKE MARMALADE! (slow lick, FRANKENSTEIN weirded out)

MONSTER: (deep sniff) AND SMELL LIKE FOOD!

(The MONSTER advances on FRANKENSTEIN and IGOR, who look nervous and back away. Suddenly the MONSTER chases them off stage.)

MONSTER: ROOOOOOOOAAAAR!!!

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