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- Draft from last year, copy/pasted on request

(This sketch divides the stage into two halves, to be treated as seperate rooms with no access to each other. It's fairly easy to do, though. The stage starts off empty except a table with a phone on it in one of the rooms.)

ROB: (Walking into the empty room, talking into his own phone) ... yeah, alright. Listen, I gotta go. Bye, mate.

(He hangs up, then starts dialling another number.)

(The other phone rings and a second man hurries into the room and picks it up. During this exchange, neither acknowledges the presence of the other.)

HOB: Hello?

ROB: Er, hello. My name's Rob, I was wondering... are you the one selling a guitar on eBay?

HOB: (enthusiastic) That's right! An air guitar. (pause) Are you on the market?

ROB: (evasive and inquisitive) I might be... I just had a few questions I didn't see answered on the site.

HOB: Sure thing! Ask away, mate. I'll tell you anything. What do you need to know?

ROB: Well, what colour is it?...

HOB: Right now? (looking at the empty part of the table like there's something there) Oooh... sky blue. But that's the brilliant thing about air guitars! They're EXTREMELY easy to recolour. It can be done in a matter of minutes!

ROB: Really?

HOB: Really! You can even resize it to better suit yourself, if you have to.

ROB: I see... is it in good condition?

HOB: (patting it) Trust me, mate, this air guitar is good as new! Fresh as the morning breeze! You'll think you bought a brand-new one.

ROB: (unsure) Well...

HOB: Not sure?

ROB: I dunno, it's a bit up in the air right now.

HOB: Tell you what, mate, you won't get a better deal! I'm throwing in an air amp, an air guitar tuner, TEN air guitar picks AND an air guitar strap!

ROB: (impressed) Really?

HOB: Really! No strings attached!

ROB: Er...

HOB: Aside from those on the guitar.

ROB: How much?

HOB: Oh, it all comes free with the guitar! The guitar is a mere hundred dollars.

ROB: What about postage?

HOB: Well, let's see, two envelopes...

ROB: Two envelopes?

HOB: (leaning back as if looking at an invisible amp under the table) Well it can't all fit in one, mate, that air amp is pretty big!

ROB: And it's delivered by...?

HOB: Air mail. But trust me, mate, the cost is negligible!

ROB: Really?

HOB: (suddenly irate) Yes bloody really!

(a pause.)

ROB: Well, what's it sound like?

HOB: Eh?

ROB: The guitar.

HOB: (enthusiastic again) Oh, right, right! I'll tell you what, mate, just for you, I'll give you a demonstration. Sit tight.

(Hob puts the phone on the table on its side to catch the upcoming "music", picks up the air guitar and gets the strap on. He plays a chord, making an off-key noise with his mouth, and looks dissatisfied. Then he tunes his guitar and plays it again, making a better-sounding noise and smiling. After that he hooks up the amp, etc. etc., and gets in playing position.)

HOB: Ready?

ROB: Yeah.

(The lights focus on Hob and he begins playing air guitar, enthusiastically and convincingly, and Tob listens with an expression of increasing enjoyment and satisfaction with the air guitar's performance. There are three ways to do this, listed in order of noise:

1. Completely silent air guitar, possibly with Hob making a single note or noise with his mouth as he finishes the song. Personally I think it seems boring compared to the other two, but these all work!

2. (the one I like) Hob plays an actual song, and all the notes are done with his mouth ("da na na na na na!") and convincingly. If you have a Pulp Fiction song you've been meaning to use but haven't found an excuse, this is a good one.

3. The actual song is played as Hob plays guitar, and all he has to do is air guitar like he means it. It might be appropriate for Hob to motion or shout to the band to "hit it", and for no guitarist to be visible.

(Anyway, whatever happens, Hob gets more and more "into it" as the song progresses, leaping around his half of the stage like a rock star (or possibly a complete dork)...

Until, at the end, Hob concludes by miming smashing the air guitar on the table. (A breaking noise with his mouth or as an actual sound effect might be appropriate.)

The lights go back to normal and silence falls as Hob stares at the broken guitar in his hands.)

ROB: (suspicious) What was that?

(Hob gently puts it down and picks up the phone.)

HOB: There might be a bit of a delay with the posting, though...