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Duck!

Lights up.  The MASTER is sitting alone at a dining table, eating a meal alone.  JEEVES is standing to the side.  They are both very British, and JEEVES is always dead-pan.  There is possibly the sound of clashes and bangs in the background.

Master: Jeeves, what is that dreadful noise?

Jeeves looks out the window, miming the separation of venetian blinds.

Jeeves: Sir, it’s the ducks you bought, they appear to have been breeding again, there are rather more than before.

Master: (sigh) Well, you know what to do with them Jeeves.

Jeeves: Very good, sir.

Jeeves picks up shot gun and walks off stage, a couple of seconds pass, and Jeeves comes back.

Jeeves: Sir, there seems to be a slight issue with the duck removal

Master: (irritated) What?!

Jeeves: They appear to have taken up arms.

Master: I fail to see the problem.

Jeeves: It wouldn’t be one, they’ve mostly been taking the peasants’ arms, but they seem to have taken up one of mine in the process. (waves around empty sleeve)

Master: Well then, use the grenades.

Jeeves: Very good, sir.

Leaves with a grenade, comes back a few moments later, with an arrow protuding from chest.

Jeeves: The grenade was ineffective.

Master: Did you remember to pull the pin out this time?

Jeeves: Yes sir, the ducks appear to have built a fort with the limbs they gathered. (Pause) I received a list of demands (Pulls out arrow, with note wrapped around)

Master: Give it here (Snatches list) (Reading) Quack, quack, give us binoculars. Signed, (Pause) Quack.  (Shoves arrow with note back into Jeeves) What in the blazes?  Binoculars?

Jeeves: I told you that Peking Ducks were a bad investment.

Lights down.

 

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