Show Archive‎ > ‎2010‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

The Sword in the Surgery

A DOCTOR is sitting at her desk.

DOCTOR: Next please.

A PATIENT bursts through the door and stumbles in with a terrific scream, owing to the fact that he’s got a sword through his stomach. He stumbles into the chair.

PATIENT: Can you take this out please?

DOCTOR: Just a second. What’s your name, sir?

PATIENT: What? Just take it out!

DOCTOR: No, sir, I need to know your name before I can operate.


DOCTOR: No, I have to do things by the book. Your name sir!

PATIENT: Why do you need my name?

DOCTOR: Well, if you die, I can tell your mother.

PATIENT: My mother already knows my name! Just take it out!!!!

DOCTOR: I think you should calm down. Take a deep breath. How long have you been displaying these symptoms?

PATIENT: Symptoms?

DOCTOR: Yeah, the general, sword-through-the-stomach look.


DOCTOR: My god, I am so unappreciated! Just take it out, indeed. Let me tell you about medicine, mate. Medicine is a delicate procedure, I need to make a full diagnosis before commencing treatment.

PATIENT:  Don't be ridiculous, I have a sword through my stomach!

DOCTOR: And do you have a family history of impalement?

PATIENT: Yes, my entire family walks around with swords through their stomachs.

DOCTOR: Interesting, so it's probably genetic... Nurse!

NURSE enters.

NURSE: Yes Doctor?

DOCTOR: About time, there’s something wrong with this guy. 

PATIENT: Nurse! will you take this thing out?!

NURSE: Ooh I don't think I have forceps big enough for that!

PATIENT: FUCKING HELL!!! (noise of frustration/pain/darkness)

DOCTOR: As you can see, Nurse, he’s in quite a lot of pain. Bring me some iodine. (She glances at the PATIENT, who is writhing in agony.) The whole bottle. And a couple of bandages. And a mop. (Goes to the PATIENT, stops, goes back.) And a couple more bandages. And some coffee.

A JANITOR enters with a mop.

JANITOR: Did someone want a mop?

PATIENT: Mate! Mate! Can you take this out?!

JANITOR: Oh. Sure.

-He pulls the sword out. The patient immediately gets up, completely cured and happy.

PATIENT: (Normal) Thank you! 

JANITOR kneels down and PATIENT knights the JANITOR.

PATIENT: I now dub thee king of England.

Lights Down.