Show Archive‎ > ‎2010‎ > ‎Scripts‎ > ‎

Dalai Llama

(This requires a new ending, obviously.)

V/O: For the past sixteen months Jerry Pesch has been climbing the foothills of India with the single-minded quest of meeting the Dalai Lama. He has seen death. He has seen destruction. On more than one occasion he thought this mountain would be his final resting place. But at last, today – his journey ends.
(Dalai Lama stands on stage – Jerry crawls on)
Jerry: I made it! I made it! Hallelujah!
Lama: Greetings, my child
Jerry: Hello! Wow – This is such a big moment for me – I'm here to see the Dalai Lama
Lama: I'm the Dalai Lama.
Jerry: You're the Dalai Lama?
Lama: I am
Jerry: (breathes through teeth)
Lama: Is there a problem?
Jerry: No no – I just – Nevermind
Lama: No, what is it?
Jerry: It's just.. I thought you were going to be a llama
Lama: Sorry?
Jerry: You know – you hear Dalai Lama and you think – you know – Holy Llama.
Lama: Why did you want a holy llama?
Jerry: I've had enough of human religious icons – They lie! Look at you – You said you were a llama – yet here you stand with your lying human eyes.
Lama: I never said I was a llama.
Jerry: It's like the old Buddhist koan “If a man says he's a goat he should be a goat”
Lama: That's not a koan – That's just words that you said.
Jerry: Words of the Llama lord.
Lama: Llamas and goats aren't even the same animal
Jerry: Well, the Dalai Llama teaches us not to separate creatures on small differences. That's why he won the Nobel Peace Prize
Lama: I won the Nobel Peace Prize!
Jerry: That's impressive too – but the Dalai Llama did it without opposable thumbs.
Lama: The Dalai Lama is not a Llama! I am not a llama! Dalai Lama means high priest. It makes no sense for you to believe I am actually a Llama. It is inconceivable that you would climb up this entire mountain without researching this at all. The very idea that a man would be in this temple expecting to see a mystical llama is absurd! I mean – the only thing that could be more absurd than that is
(Alex enters blowing vuvuzela)